As I was flipping through the first volume of my journal, the back side of an entry caught my eye. It was something I withheld from putting into my blog and I later forgot about it. However, I can remember everything about it clear as day now. On April 10th, 2011 I was in the process of brainstorming and writing various methods on how I would kill myself. I will not be posting a copy because the details are graphic and gruesome; Not to mention painful. Let me first explain the circumstances surrounding this event. I was still in Front Range Community College and I was actually in class as I was writing this. My friend sat next to me and I suspect that she had no idea what I was writing. I hate crying in front of people but I couldn't hold the tears back. I did not sob but tears silently rolled down my cheeks as I wrote and splashed onto my page. I hid my face from her. I like to think that God can use even the tiniest things in our day to cheer us up. I remember her turning to me and she gave me a big smile. She has one of those smiles that is so infectious that I couldn't help but smile back. That moment, I stopped writing in mid-sentence and it remains incomplete to this day. If that smile hadn't happened, then I would have gone through with a lot more planned and structured suicide attempt. It's the little moments in life that we need to learn to enjoy.
Depression has been spiking for me lately. It's just a general feeling of being down and sad and then it turns into loneliness. Last night it got so bad that I had to take one of my emergency pills. The feeling of loneliness is so intense and severe that I wonder if I'll feel like this forever. I still feel as if part of me is missing. I know a mate won't solve everything but.... I can't help but have a super strong longing for one. I actually have the ability to shut out my depression because it's too painful to deal with. It makes my depression go dormant for a time. It buys me time try to think of how to cope with the pain but i have found nothing thus far. A thought that scares me to death is what if God's plan for me doesn't include a wife? I cannot tell whether this is an irrational or logical thought and it's put up a roadblock. I've been scared to pray to God about it but I think I should. I've got nothing to lose
Alex, I find your posts and facebook status updates truly incredible. The fact that you have stayed so strong in your faith with jesus, and you are able to pray to him and still see him as good and soverign; well its incredible. I wish I could say the same with my struggles with depression. I have lost touch with the lord and it makes it that much more difficult to endure depression. I enjoy reading your updates, like this one, I know what a smile from someone else can do :) Take care.
ReplyDelete--Alex Paul
Hey Alex! Believe me I know how you feel. Although others may see me as strong, I don't always share their views. I still struggle with my faith all the time. Just know that you're suffering for a reason and that God wouldn't put you through this if he didn't think you could handle it. In a world with so much information and so much confusion, it's hard to find something eternal to hold onto. Jesus is the only one. He is the only anchor you will find to keep you from getting lost. I'm not saying it's easy. It's hard. Very hard. Jesus led a difficult life so why should ours be any easier?
DeleteHey Alex! well thank you I'm honored :) I find it helps to remember that we live in a fallen world and it's going to be tough. Jesus led a very difficult life so therefore as Christians, we will have difficult lives as well. We can only grow in faith through trials and adversity. It's just the way God works. I just hold onto Jesus, shut my eyes tight and wait it out. If you put your faith in anything other than Jesus, I promise you that you will be disappointed and let down. I am very saddened to hear that your depression has affected your walk with the Lord. Just know that I have thoughts every day like, 'Am I doing this right? Do I really have a relationship with the Lord?' You must fight your instinct to scoff in your mind and say, 'where is God when I'm hurting?' Whenever I think this, I pray immediately. That is the flesh talking to you and you must fight it. I'll be praying for you!
Deleteim almost speechless. i dont know what to say. you sir, are a better christian that I am. god is all powerful and all knowing right, so isnt it his will that i go through this depression? that's lasted almost 5 years now? what good is it? what good is it for?
DeleteHaha I don't consider myself better than anyone whether they be a christian or not :p God will never forsake you and is fully aware of what you're going through. One thing I do know is that depression has deep roots. I personally may not have felt my depression in childhood but with the help of therapy, I now know that it has always existed buried in my consciousness. Something that has really helped me is to go to church every week and get involved. Now I'm not talking about going to church because you want a good track record. Do it for yourself. Get grounded in the word. You can get so much help from fellow Christians. Don't be afraid to ask for help. I asked my pastor to counsel me and he was delighted to help. Even the bible's greatest heroes went through depression. Situations may be different but the feelings we experience in depression are the same. Now the key to fighting depression is changing your point of view. We do bring depression upon ourselves but it's nothing to be ashamed of because everyone will go through it at some point in their lives. Now me telling you to trust in God is easier said than done. You need to pray hard and just tell God whatever you feel. Depression certainly is an obstacle in life but God uses our trials and adversities to help us grow closer to Him. Refocus, Repent, Replace. That's what my pastor taught me. I still struggle with idolatrous thoughts such as making getting a wife a priority ahead of God. Refocus on God, Repent of your sins, and Replace those negative thoughts and feelings with bible verses. Read the book of Job. That has a lot to do with depression and Galatians will help too
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