I'm a person who hides his emotions and wears a mask to show the world that everything is all right. I lost this ability when clinical depression hit. It shattered my world and tested the limits of my endurance, will, and faith. From trials like this, they either help your faith grow and help you grow as a person, or it utterly destroys your faith and effectively ends your life. I have faced suicide many times and each time, it was Jesus who carried me through it. He showed me that His grace is sufficient for me. When depression came down on me like an avalanche, the only thing I could think of is this: 'my world is falling apart. Where is my God? I know He has the power to take this away but He is ignoring me.' I was wrong. Every time I prayed to God, I was in tears and I begged Him to take this burden from me. Now, He didn't respond to me right away but looking back, I can almost here Him saying one simple word to me: 'Wait.' I had absolutely no patience and I just wanted it to end. I am still learning how to be patient. One thing that helps me is to remember that God has his own timetable and He will do things when He deems it is the right time; He answers to no man.
There is a very important difference between knowing and understanding. Before all of this happened, I knew depression was a horrible thing to go through but I never really UNDERSTOOD it until I started going through it. Do not judge something until you yourself have gone through it. I can say with confidence that I have gained much wisdom from being depressed and God is using this time to teach me things that I would otherwise not learn if I wouldn't be going through this. I understand more about how God works than any time before my depression. This depression has strengthened my relationship with Jesus and it has helped me realize what I want out of life. God has also taught me what order my priorities should be in. Jesus must always be first. I now consult God in every decision I make. He has softened my heart and made me sensitive to the suffering of others and I have a hunger for His Word.
God has even used suicide to my benefit. He has used it to make me a lot less materialistic and instead turned my focus to things eternal. I know that all the pleasures the world has to offer are fleeting and they will definitely not sustain me. I could care less about riches. In this world, our job as Christians is to spread the gospel to an unbelieving world. Have mercy and compassion on the afflicted, poor, and broken. Jesus Came to save the lost and the broken. The first step to having Jesus in your heart is to admit and confess that you are broken and in need of a savior. No matter what your status is in this world; rich or poor, free or slave, we all are broken and sinners. Jesus died for us so we don't have to suffer a terrible fate by being thrown into the lake of fire. It is the biggest choice you can make in your life because whatever you choose, it will set your destiny. You either choose to be with God or isolated from him for eternity. Hell was originally intended for Satan and his angels but when man disobeyed God, He had no choice but to punish us. It broke His heart but no sin can exist in His presence. He loves us so much that He came to earth, fully man and fully God and suffered and died for us so we wouldn't have to got to Hell. Jesus offered Himself as the ultimate sacrifice for all of our sins. All you need to do is believe and choose Him
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