I feel stronger. Stronger in faith and will. God is so gracious. My depression feels suppressed. I do not know how long this respite will last but I'm going to make the best of it. For the first time in a long time, I can feel hope and peace. There are still aspects of my depression that I know are far from resolved but I know God will bring me through it. I don't feel any tension headaches or pressure around my head. I can think clearly for the first time this year. Getting more involved in church has helped immensely and I feel I have purpose. I love telling the kids in youth group of my experience and I love how we are growing as a group. I have made new friendships and rekindled old ones. I've come a long way from suicide. I am not the person I was last year. Church is acting like an anchor for me and I longer feel disconnected from the world.
I still have much to learn. The longer I am in depression, the stronger I will become and the more wisdom I will gain. Not earthly wisdom, but wisdom from God. That is the best kind of wisdom. Pain is the only way we grow. God knows this is necessary if we are to mature. He says to praise him in your trials and suffering. To the common man, this is unreasonable and the instinct of the flesh is to curse Him. It took me a while to completely understand this. I knew that we should praise God when we are suffering but I never really knew why. To curse and blame God for your suffering is so extremely selfish. You're basically saying, 'I don't deserve this. I deserve better!' The truth is, we don't deserve better. Do you honestly think that we as fallen creatures don't deserve punishment? We deserve worse. We are lucky that God is merciful. We rebel daily against God and yet He chooses to forgive us. We are wretches. You must humble yourself before God. He is the giver of strength and peace.
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