God Has A Plan

      I was listening to a sermon earlier today and it made me tear up. The pastor said that God wouldn't let you suffer needlessly. He wouldn't put you through depression and sorrow without there being some kind of benefit for you. It hurts God more than it hurts you to go through this pain. I just totally burst into tears when I heard this because there have been so many times when I couldn't imagine a single benefit to my suffering. But the thing is, our God is sovereign. He isn't limited by our imaginations. For now, I am still very hazy and unsure of what possible great benefits could come out of this but I have to trust God. The pain is so great at times that it literally makes me shake but God won't give you anything that will crush you. There may be many issues in my depression that are extremely difficult to deal with but they have been appointed to me for a reason. I may not ever know what that reason is in this life. Maybe He'll reveal it to me when I get to heaven. Even my anger, jealousy, and resentment has a purpose. Of this I am quite convinced. Every day, resentment comes back to haunt me and sometimes, I'll be seething with rage because of that resentment. When I'm driving, I get so angry that I clench the wheel real tight, I purse my lips and I start breathing heavily. This rage turns into tears and in turn, that becomes fuel for my depression. Every time resentment rears it's head, it's my duty to beat it back down and force myself to forgive the offender/s. Now as I've said before, a few people close to me know what this resentment is. If you know me reasonably well, then don't hesitate to ask me.
     Giving up is not a choice as far as I'm concerned. This is not out of stubbornness that I am saying this, but out of determination and confidence that God won't abandon me. I do not know how much longer my depression will last. It could be a month, a year, or even 10 years. The longer I stay in depression, the more I understand and the stronger I become. There will be rough days ahead, but I have support and people who love me, so for their sake and for mine, I will endure.