Depression is a frightening thing. It blinds and deafens you to all reason and forces you to feel your way out of the darkness. In depression, there is no light. It is a battle you must fight and there are no rest periods. If you stop trying, it can be deadly. Negative feelings will bombard you constantly and if you don't resist them, you will get worse. I can promise you that. Once suicidal thoughts creep in, it is EXTREMELY difficult to push them back out. I've had suicide attempts and suicidal thoughts for nearly a year. (Although, the suicidal thoughts were much more frequent than the attempts). Each attempt eroded my will and strength to resist. Each time I survived and made it through, my thought was, 'I made it through this time, but next time is no guarantee. My will is completely sapped.' Depression has permanently dimmed my view of the world; which isn't necessarily a bad thing. For the longest time, I saw life as cruel, unforgiving, and tainted with sin and evil. I hated life, and I saw love as a curse because my heart was getting broken repeatedly. I still have a broken heart but I'm fighting and I'm able to cope with the pain for now.
I still see this world as all those things I mentioned but today, I'm starting to challenge my past views. There are compelling reasons to stay alive. Even though I still have trouble seeing it, I force myself to believe that I will be happy again. I have friends and family who care about me and I care and love them as well. I will not put them through the pain of dealing with my death. My friends have started to make me smile again. God is not done with me so I must remain in this world. I must abide by His will and trust that He knows best. I still have trouble trusting Him but I do believe that He will give me a wife in due time. This depression has made me less attached to this world in a good way. I honestly don't crave belongings and I am no longer as attached to possessions as I once was. Jesus has used my depression to remind me that I may be in the world for now, but I am not apart of it. For the world is currently the Devil's kingdom. Our time on this earth is such a short time when compared to eternity. I may still see this world filled with suffering and pain but while I am here, I will do my best to help alleviate other people's suffering. I believe that is what Jesus wants me to do. How I will do it, I do not yet know. It will be revealed to me in time.
Suicide is scary and it's sad whenever someone succeeds. I have heard many people say that people who are suicidal are cowards and that they're weak. This is the most insensitive and untrue statement I have ever heard. Most people who make these kind of statements have no idea what they're talking about because they themselves are NOT suicide survivors. People who survive suicide are a lot stronger than they know. Am I a coward? Am I weak? No! Yes, we all slip up at times but I have made it a point to NEVER judge people. Who are you to judge? You're as sinful and wretched as the next person. Leave judgement to God Almighty, for He is the only one with the right to judge. The world would be such a different place if we never judged anyone and just accepted them for who they are. If you are reading this, and are suicidal or clinically depressed and want to talk, feel free to contact me. Seriously, I know what you're going through and I will make no judgements whatsoever. I am here to help. Even if we don't know each other I would be happy to talk with you. Depression is super painful but it's something that you should never go through alone.
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