Baggage

      This is something I've struggled with since the beginning of my depression. I am praying so hard for it to be resolved. I have been fighting feelings for a girl I went to prom with. After the prom, my feelings only grew stronger and stronger. After high school, I felt completely lost and many of my friends scattered across the states. I felt extremely lonely. The girl I went to prom with was one of the few friends that was still in Colorado so I spent much time with her. Eventually, she suggested that I take a class with her at front range. I must admit, I mostly took the class because I was so attached to her. I emotionally invested in her way too much and in the end, it ended up destroying me and it strongly fueled my depression. I feel that I gave her way too much power and control because I was willing to do anything to keep her in my life. I am so angry about how I acted and behaved, especially since she did her best to help me through my depression. I was in despair and agony each and every day. To this day, when her face pops up in my mind and I think about what we had, it  hurts really bad and I burst into tears. I will never make the mistake of pouring so much of myself into a person again. I have learned that that path leads only to self destruction and despair.
       I thought that having some distance and time away from her would take away the romantic feelings but they were only dormant. On valentines day of this year, I discovered that I my feelings for her still existed and I discovered she was in a relationship. I came close to the brink of death that day. I got so angry because it felt like a reset button was pushed on my depression. I feel like a slave to my feelings and my emotions. When she reached out to me last week, I came to a decision. I want her in my life. She is a good influence and a great friend but I must purge my mind and body of these romantic feelings because they are just causing me deep, sharp pain. I worry so much that it'll become a scar because I was in a similar situation in the sixth grade and it took me 5 years to completely heal. I pray everyday for her and for my feelings for her to vanish. The feelings only serve as baggage and will interfere in my future relationships. I need to do what's best for me. Just this week, I gained the ability to discern between my romantic feelings, and my love for her as a friend. My love her as a friend and a sister in Christ is what I want to focus on. Even while typing this I feel stronger and more focused. I hope to see her again and strengthen our friendship. I will continue to pray for her so that God does what is best for her and to make her happy. It is time to get my feelings back under control. Only with the Lord's help will this be possible. I am ready to move on.