Will It End?

      This is harder than I thought it would be. Now that I seem to have gotten over the shock of shutting her out, I'm in constant pain. My heart is always racing and it feels like there's a huge knot in my chest. I hate what's happening. I hate what led me to this decision. I get extreme rage over what happened and why I decided to do it. This is officially another root of my depression. I feel like a light went out in my life. It seems so much darker and lonelier. Deep down, I know this is something that I must face alone. I'm scared and exhausted. I don't know if I have the will to confront this. My mind is literally rejecting the hurt and pain caused by this and I think I may be forced to block it out to protect myself. This hole in my heart now is like a vacuum. It's sucking out all the happiness and good feelings I have and it's being replaced with hurt, rage, and despair. I want the pain to stop. Sometimes, I wish that I never met her. Was this worth it? Was it worth all the pain and heartbreak? I have shed countless tears over this. Why am I so attached to her? I don't want to be! Everything I feel for her causes me excruciating pain every day and it holds me back from moving forward and meeting potential new girlfriends. This will become a huge emotional scar. I am sure of that. I see it as evidence of my failure and lack of intimacy. It makes me feel so inferior to everyone else. It's like I'm stuck in a dark pit and I can't get out. I want freedom. Freedom from this pain, heartache, rage, and jealousy. It feels like life is mocking me and spitting in my face. This makes me want to withdraw from the world. I want love. I want someone of my own. I want this to stop