Fear And Questions

      Sometimes it frightens me how quickly my mood changes. I was in a relatively good mood yesterday but now my heart races and it feels as if all the issues I thought were resolved are bombarding me. I feel fear, frustration, deep sorrow, and anger. I want this to pass more than anything. I want to be happy again. It seems like when I almost have the answer, the question changes. It's maddening. I am glad that I've been able to sort out my romantic feelings from my other feelings for her. Such as friendship, a sister, a fellow christian. The thing that frustrates me the most is I have no idea how to rid myself of these romantic feelings. They flare up every time I think I am close to a solution. It seems the harder I fight, the more painful it gets and the lonelier and more cut off I feel.
      I've asked myself questions. Questions that I fear have no answer. Will I have these feelings forever? Will I ever get better? Will I ever see her again? Is something wrong with me? Truthfully, I am ashamed of what I feel. I am angered by it too because it has separated me from people I deeply care about. I feel alienated and stuck. I have nightmares about the future. In every dream, It's always dark and overcast. Two feelings are always consistent: Anger and agony.  When bouts of depression come,  I feel like all I can do is brace for the pain. When the worst is over, I'm left with a hollow, empty feeling. It feels like the whole world darkened and everything happy is gone. I can't remember what I felt like before depression. It's become my routine. It's the only thing that's familiar.
      Support from friends, family, and my readers is one of the things that keeps me going. It is exhausting to push forward, but I must do it. There's no choice but to keep walking forward. Even if I'm unable to see what's ahead of me. I must get out of this dark cave. It feels like all the walls are pressing against me. A broken heart is really discouraging. And by far, it's the most painful part of my depression. It feels like I'm dust in the wind, at the mercy of the currents and whichever way the wind chooses to blow. I no longer let myself love romantically nor do I let myself have hope in that area because it's too painful and I've failed too many times. I bury it deep in my subconscious so it can't hurt me. I can't face it nor fight it because I do not know how. Until I learn and have the strength to face it, I pray. At least 5 times a day, I pray. For now, I do not know what to do nor where to turn.