My brief respite from depression is over. It's back to the grind again. It's so easy to feel lonely and helpless. It ends up turning into a cycle. I get frustrated being stuck in my house, my frustration turns to anger as I think of past resentments, I feel helpless to resolve it and then I burst into tears. That endlessly fuels my depression. The thing about resentment is that it really is like a poison. You're only hurting yourself and the other party is just fine because they either don't know or don't remember what's going on. It is the biggest offense I have ever suffered and it is extremely hard to let go because I want justice. Even though I forgive the offending party, my blame and rage turns to someone else. Quite honestly, I don't think I'm ready to forgive. Not yet. I shove this resentment to the darkest corner of my mind so I don't have to deal with it all the time. When it does surface, it quickly drains me emotionally and my rage continues to grow. A few of you know what the source of my resentment. If you know me, You may ask.
It truly is hard to hold onto hope when you're in the midst of depression. It's like a huge vacuum that sucks out every positive thought and feeling. It's like breathing in despair and sorrow and exhaling hope. This is where willpower comes in. I fight with all my might so I don't get suicidal. I have seen how quickly that can happen and it is dangerous. Once a fleeting suicidal thought passes my mind, it sets off a red flag. Luckily, I have trained myself to say, 'stop! Think of something else!' when this happens. I have no doubts that the Lord will continue to sustain me but I also have realistic expectations. I know my suffering is not yet complete. It is impossible to know when it will be over. It is so easy to get exhausted and say, 'I don't want to fight this anymore.' when I get to this point, I get up and do something productive.
I am fortunate to know that part of the reason I am depressed is because I have the wrong priorities. I acknowledge this and I pray so hard about it. It's super painful for me to pray about it and I almost always burst into tears when I do. I have read many books on depression. I view things from a christian perspective so I have a few self help books by christian psychologists and there is a lot I have learned from their books. For one, They say that to help get through depression, one must 'cleave to the Lord'. This exactly what I've been doing and it definitely helps. Another way in addition to that is to monitor what you are thinking and replace those negative thoughts with biblical knowledge and verses. Truthfully, this is an area I still need work on. You also can't discount the fact that Satan will do everything in his power to bring us down. He is like a 'roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour'. We must always be on guard against Satan because he knows our weaknesses and he will exploit them. We must not underestimate our enemy. He has been on this earth far longer than any of us have lived. Here's the good news: God is stronger. In fact, God has everything under control and Satan actually has to seek permission from God to tempt us. An example of this can be found in the book of Job when He is before the throne of God. If God allows you to suffer, then He has a good reason for it. The world is not all sunshine and rainbows. This is what people need to realize because all the time I hear them say, 'Why is this happening to me? I don't deserve this!' God does want us to be happy but sometimes we need to suffer to change and grow. I know I was as stubborn as an ox before I went through this and in a lot of ways I still am but I am working on it. Sometimes it takes great suffering before a person is willing to change.Many people reject Christianity because they see God as a crutch. Trust me: it ain't easy being a christian. Jesus never promised us a life of leisure. The truth is, we all have a need of a savior. Many people are to proud and arrogant to see it. I will say that there is truly only one thing that we have absolute control over: Whether we accept God's free gift of salvation, or reject it. C. S. Lewis has said that God doesn't send people to hell. They choose hell for themselves through their life choices and their rejection of Christ. It's very sad but I completely agree with C.S. Lewis. It is so much better to live for Christ than to live without hope. It may be very difficult living in an unbelieving world, but it is worth it in the end.
I find depression so fascinating. Pinpointing the origins of depression can be difficult but research says contributing roots for depression can be traced as far back as age three or four. I can only think of my deepest root going back to age seven but still, that is pretty far. That is the age where I started suppressing my emotions because I remember finding out something that really shocked and upset me. It affects me to this day and it will have an impact for the rest of my life. Christian psychiatrists believe that there are three major sources for emotional pain.
1. Lack of self-worth
2. Lack of intimacy with others
3. Lack of intimacy with God
I found this to be extremely interesting because it described me to a t. I believe that everyone in the world will struggle with these at some point in their lives. Some more severely than others. Something I struggle with that has caused me a lot of pain is lack of intimacy with others. Now, it can be argued that there are certain levels or degrees of intimacy; such as contacts, acquaintances, friends, close friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, and then finally spouse. I get frustrated and cry nearly every day because I want the intimacy of having a girlfriend. I want a real relationship. The problem is, I am super shy and at this point given my past experiences, I am afraid of getting hurt again. I was putting this in my life before God and I realize that was a mistake. As painful as it may be for me, I have to trust God with this. When I start to have doubts, I just remind myself that I couldn't do this on my own and that God is the one who can do anything. I have heartache nearly every day. It stings. I get angry and jealous of other people for being able to make those kind of intimate connections so easily. I have often wondered if there was something wrong with me. I have felt extremely unattractive and undesirable and I hate for people to know that. I also bury this in my mind because it is so very painful to deal with but it always finds a way to bleed through my subconsciousness. When that happens, my heart races, I breathe heavily and I become overwhelmed with tears and despair. It is one of the loneliest feelings in the world. I may be surrounded by people who love me, but I can't connect with them the way I want to. This inability stems from an extremely valuable friendship I lost in the sixth grade. I am actually just realizing this now. She was a friend I had fallen in love with but somehow she became distant and it took me five years to heal. We're friends again and we only talk occasionally but luckily I no longer have those feelings for her. This is not the same girl I went to prom with. What frustrates and angers me so much is that I am so inexperienced with my love life. It's my most shameful secret and I'm actually choking back tears right now. It is the core of my depression and the reason for so many suicidal thoughts and attempts. The only things I have to cope with are prayer and God. Only time will tell.
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