Sometimes, You have to shut people out of your life in order to truly heal. This is something I had to do yesterday and it was the hardest decision I've ever made. I've never had to resort to this before. It's especially painful because she was my best friend for a couple of years and a big part of my life. I also have feelings for her and that's why I cut her out of my life because it's getting way too dangerous for me. This is the same girl I went to front range with last year. I spent much of last night crying because this is truly the hardest decision. Believe me, I have tried everything. I thought having some distance from her for nearly a year would help dilute my feelings for her but.... When valentines of this year came around, they came back with a vengeance. When I found out she was in a relationship, I immediately burst into tears and my train of thought led to this in less than 10 seconds: 'I want to die'. I knew then that something had to be done but I refused to do it because I loved her way too much.
Something I'm just realizing is that I do really love her. Last year, after it was revealed that a relationship with her wasn't possible, I immediately blocked out my feelings for her so I wouldn't have to face the pain. This is what I told myself over and over: 'You do NOT love her. It's not possible for her to love you.' This realization sent me into shock. Now, most of you know what it's like to have a broken heart but this is especially excruciating for me because I emotionally invested EVERYTHING in her. I saw her as my one shot at true love and happiness, my only chance for a romantic relationship. I was even foolish enough hope that she would be my future wife. I was convinced that she was 'the one'.
Yesterday, I noticed I was texting her more and more and I realized that my feelings for her began to grow once more. I refused to go through that pain all over again so I asked myself some serious questions:
1. Do you love her? I would die for her. (This was a warning bell for me)
2. Can you push your feelings aside and still hang out with her? No
3. Would it be in your best interest to cut her out of your life for your own safety? Yes. ( After this, I burst into tears.)
I really do feel like I'm going through withdrawal. I treat this loss like a death. I feel as if part of myself died when I made this decision. I feel like I am without direction, wandering aimlessly in a storm. I hate having to make this decision. I hate what happened between us. We have so much history together and now it seems like a waste. I bear no hatred nor dislike for her. All I feel is love, longing, extreme pain and heartache. I love her as a person and as my sister in Christ and I truly pray for her. It's very hard to know what to say in my prayer because..... It hurts. Badly. I truly hope we can get to the point where we used to be. Laughing together and having fun. She was a very positive influence on my life but my damn feelings made this influence toxic for me. I can no longer distinguish between my friendship with her and my love for her. I have a constant need to be near her and this separation is what hurts very very much. I feel like one of the best friendships I ever had has been destroyed and it's all because of me. I only hope that she'll understand and not hate me for it. Perhaps, in the future, we can start over. That is what I pray for super hard. If I hadn't made this decision, then I would be endangering myself, and possibly my life. All I desire now is comfort and relief. Relief from the pain and comfort from friends. This is a very dark time in my life.
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