The hardest thing about being a Christian, at least for me, is having my will clash with God's will. In the past month, I have had the core (and in many cases the cause) of my depression come back to haunt me with a vengeance. I had thought that I dealt with this many years ago but God has made it clear to me that I had just blocked it out and buried it just so I could function. Something that absolutely cripples me is my desire to have a wife. These feelings just started developing and it scared me to death when I felt them for the first time in years. I do not react in a healthy way to these feelings. Suicidal thoughts often accompany these feelings because I feel extremely powerless due to constant rejection over the past 8 years. I have prayed and pleaded with God to take these feelings away but His answer has been no. I think He wants me to deal with these feelings. The problem is I have absolutely no idea how.
I have argued and raged against God because I am frightened that He won't give me what I desire and I would die alone. My dilemma is this: What if God's will for me is down I path I do not wish to go? Why would He give me these desires if He's going to ignore them? I know God wants the best for me. The hardest prayer that I literally have to force myself to pray is this: Your will be done.
I feel like I'm in a fog. I don't know God's will for me concerning this. All I know is that I want God first in my life. I understand I have to deal with these feelings because this is no way to live my life. It will be like poison that devours me if I leave it be. I'm trusting God to take me by the hand and lead me through this because this is too much for me to deal with alone. I often have the temptation to just dive into a relationship but I know this would be foolish. I feel like God is testing me daily to see what I have learned and how I would react in situations. The two responses I get from God are 'Patience. Endure.'
Switching to Orthodoxy is a huge change for me and for those who know me, I do not abide change. When I make a change, it's usually life changing. Pieces of my life are very slowly coming together. Maybe this is how God works with me. It's funny because even thought I despise change, I am extremely impatient for things to get done. If God is really leading me towards married life, I think that Orthodoxy will help teach me the discipline and responsibility necessary for my life. I am slowly learning patience because I am realizing that I don't want to rush things. If and when I get a girlfriend, I realize that it may be many years and I can live with that. When it comes down to it, I have to seek God first. I also know that I cannot do this alone. I have need of those around me and the body of Christ. We are creatures made for community. I learned this when I stopped going to church for a prolonged period in my life. I had the 'Jesus and I' mentality. In my life group, I am continually amazed with the wisdom of my fellow brothers/sisters in Christ. We are all different parts of the body of Christ and we each have something unique to offer. This rings true whether you are Protestant, Catholic or Eastern Orthodox. I have friends and family who belong to each one of these branches. I go to my aunt in particular (she is Roman Catholic) for advice on liturgical practices and the meaning of sacraments. I have a tendency to make things too legalistic. She is extremely wise and knowledgeable and explains certain things with such simplicity in ways that I couldn't dream of.
How do I respond? How do I move forward when I don't know God's ultimate answer to my desires? The simplest words that come to mind just now is what Jesus tells us everyday. 'Follow me'
Friday, September 1, 2017
Saturday, August 26, 2017
Pushing Forward
Depression has been bad lately but I can honestly say I have a solid game plan to meet it head on. The good thing about feeling the same crappy feelings and emotions over and over again is that you learn how to cope with it and even experiment with different coping mechanisms. This is why I am thankful for Eastern Orthodoxy and other liturgical traditions.
A big reason why I am switching traditions is in fact depression. I do not find sufficient answers and practices within Protestantism to address those who are clinically or suicidal depressed. Now this is my own experience. There are plenty of Christians within the Protestant tradition that are able to cope with depression without switching traditions. My experience was constantly being told to 'give it over to God' or 'pray about it'. These are not sufficient answers for me nor are they sufficient answers for anyone suffering from depression. God has given us each other as coping mechanisms and He has also given us the capacity to seek help He has already provided within medicine and psychology. If you were sick then you would go to a doctor. Same for depression. This is one aspect and another aspect is the church interacting with the depressed individual. There is definitely a spiritual aspect to depression that simply must be addressed.
In many ways, depression is a core reason for me rejecting Calvinistic Predestination. For me, just accepting that God controlled my fate no matter what I did was extremely depressing and frustrating. Not only this, but I could never ever reconcile this within the bible. Sure, there are verses supporting predestination but there are many, many verses also blowing it out of the water. C. S. Lewis also influenced my thinking in this. He suggests that Hell is locked from the inside. God does not force you to go to Hell. Rather, You choose to go there based on your life choices and your rejection of God's gift of eternal life with Him. The Priests at my parish also transformed my thinking on the role of the church and God. We get help from God and meet Him in worship by freely cooperating with Him. The Holy Mysteries (Sacraments) are God's gift to the church. They provide us with an encounter with the Holy and God heals us. Based on what sins and/or hardships you are dealing with in life, the Priest gives you advice and certain prayers to meditate on. I read a few interesting articles about depression within various Christian traditions. The articles conclude that liturgical traditions within Protestantism, Catholicism and Orthodoxy are much more effective at dealing with depression and grief than non liturgical traditions. Part of the reason is because since liturgical traditions are more or less set, it forces you to focus on prescribed prayers and turns your attention towards God.
Spontaneity is important as well and this is where Evangelicalism has its strength. Protestants do a very good job of emphasizing sincere and honest prayer towards God and this has had a positive effect within Catholicism and Orthodoxy. I personally mix set prayers as well as spontaneous. Another positive effect I've seen within Evangelicalism is their emphasis of the importance of Scripture. I see this carried over in my parish and it makes sense since 90% of the Parishioners are Protestant converts.
The ultimate deciding factor for me switching to Orthodoxy is my experience of God in my late teens and early 20s. I always felt that God was intangible, distant and that my faith was purely intellectual and in my head. This is not the faith that I want. I want a God that I can interact with and touch in worship. The Mysteries let me do that. I want a God that meets me in my weakness and heals me. I want a life of prayer where I am in constant communion with God. And lastly, I want the discipline in my life to keep working out my salvation with fear and trembling. Orthodoxy is my home. It allows me to connect with the New Testament church and it gives me the Church itself as a support system. I want help in my walk with God and I want to help others with this as well. That is what the church is for. It is a hospital for sick people.
Depression makes me realize how broken and sinful I am. Something I have been taking very seriously is Christ's commands on worry and anxiety. '...Therefore do not worry about your life....Do not worry about your body.' Anxiety and worry are my worst enemies. They eat me alive in the worst times of life. I'm starting to realize what it actually means to lay my worry and anxieties at His feet. I used to think that just praying once was enough but I have to get up and carry my cross daily. This is what it means to cooperate with God. The partnership is not 50/50. God does most of the work. If you want a tan, you need to go outside. The sun does most of the work. I cannot and will not live a life imprisoned to fear and anxiety. I do not expect my fear and anxiety to go away overnight either. I must pray daily and endure.
A big reason why I am switching traditions is in fact depression. I do not find sufficient answers and practices within Protestantism to address those who are clinically or suicidal depressed. Now this is my own experience. There are plenty of Christians within the Protestant tradition that are able to cope with depression without switching traditions. My experience was constantly being told to 'give it over to God' or 'pray about it'. These are not sufficient answers for me nor are they sufficient answers for anyone suffering from depression. God has given us each other as coping mechanisms and He has also given us the capacity to seek help He has already provided within medicine and psychology. If you were sick then you would go to a doctor. Same for depression. This is one aspect and another aspect is the church interacting with the depressed individual. There is definitely a spiritual aspect to depression that simply must be addressed.
In many ways, depression is a core reason for me rejecting Calvinistic Predestination. For me, just accepting that God controlled my fate no matter what I did was extremely depressing and frustrating. Not only this, but I could never ever reconcile this within the bible. Sure, there are verses supporting predestination but there are many, many verses also blowing it out of the water. C. S. Lewis also influenced my thinking in this. He suggests that Hell is locked from the inside. God does not force you to go to Hell. Rather, You choose to go there based on your life choices and your rejection of God's gift of eternal life with Him. The Priests at my parish also transformed my thinking on the role of the church and God. We get help from God and meet Him in worship by freely cooperating with Him. The Holy Mysteries (Sacraments) are God's gift to the church. They provide us with an encounter with the Holy and God heals us. Based on what sins and/or hardships you are dealing with in life, the Priest gives you advice and certain prayers to meditate on. I read a few interesting articles about depression within various Christian traditions. The articles conclude that liturgical traditions within Protestantism, Catholicism and Orthodoxy are much more effective at dealing with depression and grief than non liturgical traditions. Part of the reason is because since liturgical traditions are more or less set, it forces you to focus on prescribed prayers and turns your attention towards God.
Spontaneity is important as well and this is where Evangelicalism has its strength. Protestants do a very good job of emphasizing sincere and honest prayer towards God and this has had a positive effect within Catholicism and Orthodoxy. I personally mix set prayers as well as spontaneous. Another positive effect I've seen within Evangelicalism is their emphasis of the importance of Scripture. I see this carried over in my parish and it makes sense since 90% of the Parishioners are Protestant converts.
The ultimate deciding factor for me switching to Orthodoxy is my experience of God in my late teens and early 20s. I always felt that God was intangible, distant and that my faith was purely intellectual and in my head. This is not the faith that I want. I want a God that I can interact with and touch in worship. The Mysteries let me do that. I want a God that meets me in my weakness and heals me. I want a life of prayer where I am in constant communion with God. And lastly, I want the discipline in my life to keep working out my salvation with fear and trembling. Orthodoxy is my home. It allows me to connect with the New Testament church and it gives me the Church itself as a support system. I want help in my walk with God and I want to help others with this as well. That is what the church is for. It is a hospital for sick people.
Depression makes me realize how broken and sinful I am. Something I have been taking very seriously is Christ's commands on worry and anxiety. '...Therefore do not worry about your life....Do not worry about your body.' Anxiety and worry are my worst enemies. They eat me alive in the worst times of life. I'm starting to realize what it actually means to lay my worry and anxieties at His feet. I used to think that just praying once was enough but I have to get up and carry my cross daily. This is what it means to cooperate with God. The partnership is not 50/50. God does most of the work. If you want a tan, you need to go outside. The sun does most of the work. I cannot and will not live a life imprisoned to fear and anxiety. I do not expect my fear and anxiety to go away overnight either. I must pray daily and endure.
Sunday, August 20, 2017
Disruptions
Something that really tests my faith, routines, hopes and patience is depression. It is not uncommon for me to descend into such a depression that I get suicidal thoughts. This is where my Orthodox prayer book has started to help me. It forces me to focus on Christ and away from my wants. Before I ever thought of scripted prayer, I have always prayed spontaneously. I still do but I temper it with scripted prayers to help me focus. For me, if I always pray spontaneously while in a deep depression, no words come to mind.
I've never been a patient person. I struggle a lot with self hate; particularly with parts of my personality. It helps me to realize and see what a broken person I am and my need for a savior. A savior who meets me in worship and heals me.
A life of prayer and communion with God is my answer to depression. There will be pain. There is always pain. God never promises us an easy life. He does promise to always be with us and never forsake us. This is very comforting especially in times of intense depression and loneliness. Another comfort is that the church is there to comfort us as well. This is something that is sorely needed in my life because I tend isolate myself and hide everything about myself. I do not like expressing emotions nor do I like losing control of my emotions in front of others. My goal moving forward is to be more open to my close friends and family. Not open to the point where I'm careless or share too much but enough to let them know what's going on. Whenever someone asks me what's wrong I usually lie and say everything's fine or tell them I don't want to talk about it. Things have come up in the past few days that have been eating me alive and shaking me to my core. I intend to tell my therapist these things immediately because I cannot continue to hide constantly like this. In the meantime I will continue to pray. This is the one habit I am determined not to break.
I've never been a patient person. I struggle a lot with self hate; particularly with parts of my personality. It helps me to realize and see what a broken person I am and my need for a savior. A savior who meets me in worship and heals me.
A life of prayer and communion with God is my answer to depression. There will be pain. There is always pain. God never promises us an easy life. He does promise to always be with us and never forsake us. This is very comforting especially in times of intense depression and loneliness. Another comfort is that the church is there to comfort us as well. This is something that is sorely needed in my life because I tend isolate myself and hide everything about myself. I do not like expressing emotions nor do I like losing control of my emotions in front of others. My goal moving forward is to be more open to my close friends and family. Not open to the point where I'm careless or share too much but enough to let them know what's going on. Whenever someone asks me what's wrong I usually lie and say everything's fine or tell them I don't want to talk about it. Things have come up in the past few days that have been eating me alive and shaking me to my core. I intend to tell my therapist these things immediately because I cannot continue to hide constantly like this. In the meantime I will continue to pray. This is the one habit I am determined not to break.
Thursday, August 10, 2017
Becoming Orthodox
I have begun the process of becoming Orthodox. The classes begin September 23rd and run for nine weeks. Then there is a break and then I am to be christened and take my first Eucharist on Pascha (Easter) next year. It does seem like a lot involved but it makes sense. Being educated in the theology and ceremonies is definitely something I applaud and something I am looking forward to.
I have hungered for a deeper and more meaningful relationship with Christ and I simply wasn't finding within the Protestant tradition. Protestants have their strength in spreading the gospel but I find the care for the individual believer within the church to be lacking. I need spiritual guidance and discipline. Many protestants get this guidance through someone who brought them to the faith or through a fellow believer. This by God's grace is sufficient. However, I am very attracted to the idea of confession because the priest gives you guidance. Yes, many people feel uncomfortable confessing their sins to another person in the sight of God but is this not what the bible commands us to do? Confessing before God alone is a legitimate practice as well but I feel like this is half of the commandment. I need to know why what I am confessing is sin, how to identify these areas in my life, and, with the help of the Holy Spirit, correct them.
Ever since I left high school 8 years ago, I lost my routine, my discipline and my church. For a very long time, my faith was based on reason and intellect. I knew what I believed and how to defend it but it wasn't deepening my relationship with God. There was no mystery or sacramental experience and I had a very individualistic faith. It was 'Jesus and I'. I thought I didn't need a church. Because if it's all about you and God then what need is there for the body of Christ? My heavy research into the early church shocked me and challenged my traditionally held views. I was shocked to learn that the Eucharist was always celebrated as a central part of worship. Not only that, but it was always viewed as, in a mystery, becoming the body and blood of Christ. I was always taught that it was merely symbolic and a memorial. Another thing I was shocked to learn is that the church was always liturgical. Even the Old Testament Jews were liturgical so since Christianity came out of Judaism, should this really have surprised me? The last thing that baffled me was Holy Tradition. It was spoken of universally in the early church. I in good conscience can't ignore this. Tradition is frowned upon in Evangelicalism.
I am convinced that Depression is what kept me from falling away from the Faith because I was forced to choose between depending on myself and abiding in Christ. All I know is that I cannot live my life with Christ. There are still so many things I must learn. I can be very stubborn and prideful and anxiety is a huge issue in my life. Almost to the point where it takes over. This is the current focus for me right now. My favorite Orthodox prayer is the Jesus Prayer: 'Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner and save me.' It is a very powerful and biblical prayer. One that has become the first thing I say in every prayer. I will continue to work out my salvation with fear and trembling as best as I can
I have hungered for a deeper and more meaningful relationship with Christ and I simply wasn't finding within the Protestant tradition. Protestants have their strength in spreading the gospel but I find the care for the individual believer within the church to be lacking. I need spiritual guidance and discipline. Many protestants get this guidance through someone who brought them to the faith or through a fellow believer. This by God's grace is sufficient. However, I am very attracted to the idea of confession because the priest gives you guidance. Yes, many people feel uncomfortable confessing their sins to another person in the sight of God but is this not what the bible commands us to do? Confessing before God alone is a legitimate practice as well but I feel like this is half of the commandment. I need to know why what I am confessing is sin, how to identify these areas in my life, and, with the help of the Holy Spirit, correct them.
Ever since I left high school 8 years ago, I lost my routine, my discipline and my church. For a very long time, my faith was based on reason and intellect. I knew what I believed and how to defend it but it wasn't deepening my relationship with God. There was no mystery or sacramental experience and I had a very individualistic faith. It was 'Jesus and I'. I thought I didn't need a church. Because if it's all about you and God then what need is there for the body of Christ? My heavy research into the early church shocked me and challenged my traditionally held views. I was shocked to learn that the Eucharist was always celebrated as a central part of worship. Not only that, but it was always viewed as, in a mystery, becoming the body and blood of Christ. I was always taught that it was merely symbolic and a memorial. Another thing I was shocked to learn is that the church was always liturgical. Even the Old Testament Jews were liturgical so since Christianity came out of Judaism, should this really have surprised me? The last thing that baffled me was Holy Tradition. It was spoken of universally in the early church. I in good conscience can't ignore this. Tradition is frowned upon in Evangelicalism.
I am convinced that Depression is what kept me from falling away from the Faith because I was forced to choose between depending on myself and abiding in Christ. All I know is that I cannot live my life with Christ. There are still so many things I must learn. I can be very stubborn and prideful and anxiety is a huge issue in my life. Almost to the point where it takes over. This is the current focus for me right now. My favorite Orthodox prayer is the Jesus Prayer: 'Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner and save me.' It is a very powerful and biblical prayer. One that has become the first thing I say in every prayer. I will continue to work out my salvation with fear and trembling as best as I can
Saturday, August 5, 2017
A Fork In The Road
It has become clear to me in the past week that It is no longer an option for me to stay in the Evangelical tradition. I have been doing extensive research for the past few years and it has only intensified in the past few months. I feel God pulling me in the direction of Eastern Orthodoxy. As I have been talking with Fathers Stephan and David, they pointed out to me that I am already Orthodox in my theology and heart. I have not made a final decision as of yet but I am real close. I know that I want a sacramental and liturgical worship. The only question is which tradition?
I have considered multiple traditions inside Protestantism and tradition outside Protestantism. First was Episcopalian. I rejected this because Episcopalians have largely liberalized, change their theology and introduced teachings contrary to Christianity. Next I considered Anglicanism. I rejected this as well because one, there are no Anglican churches in my area and two, because they don't have a clear line of apostolic succession. Next, I considered Roman Catholicism. I rejected this for a few reasons. First and foremost before I say anything, this is not meant as bashing of traditions. A lot of my family on my mom's side are Italian Roman Catholic and I do not doubt their sincerity nor their faith and there are actually some doctrines that I share with Roman Catholics. This is simply what I have found in my research and what I have been convicted by. The first reason I rejected Catholicism as a possibility is first and foremost the authority of the Pope. I disagree with the Pope for different reasons than Protestants do. While I acknowledge the Pope as a bishop in succession of Saint Peter and as a leader of the Roman Church, I do not recognize his universal claim over all the sees of all of the other apostles. I consider him the first among equals among the other bishops but this is a moot point since the Roman Church split from communion with Eastern Orthodoxy a thousand years ago. I also rejected Catholicism due to the rising corruption of the church in the high medieval ages. Now this does not fully represent Catholicism today but it was a factor in my decision. And finally, I rejected Catholicism due to it's innovations in it's theology such as the Immaculate Conception, Infallibility of the Pope, Assumption of Mary, etc. I do not think that Roman Catholics are heretics as many protestants do. I see hope for the future and pray for the unity of the church. Pope Francis and Ecumenical Patriarch Bartholomew 1 are in dialogue for the first time in nearly one thousand years. This is a positive step. I admire Pope Francis' Ecumenism across denominations.
A dilemma I had coming out of high school and into my twenties was seeing the how many Protestant denominations there are and why. It ultimately comes down to a disdain and rejection of authority. I understand the protestant position because I grew up in it and I believed it. The abuses from medieval Catholicism left a bad taste in many reformers' mouths and they had legitimate grievances. However, if Catholicism is charged with adding to the faith, then Protestantism can be accused of taking away from the faith. I find the doctrine of Sola Scriptura (Scripture alone) to be untenable. In an old catholic adage, 'Every man becomes his own pope'. I will not go in to detail here because this post is not meant to be a theological debate. Suffice it to say that holy Tradition has always been a part of the church from it's beginning. Sola Scriptura is the reason why we see such disunity with the Protestant movement. 30,000 denominations and counting! If each believer truly has the authority to interpret scripture how he may, then why don't two people ever agree? 'Truth divides' is not an efficient answer for me. Jesus prays for the unity of ALL believers. Paul also says that the church is the pillar of truth; something that I see many protestants not putting in to effect. You can't have the Bible without Holy Tradition. Saints Paul and Jude make liberal use of rabbinical tradition and Paul exhorts us multiple times in his letters to 'hold fast to the tradition handed down to you; whether by epistle or word of mouth.'
As I tried attending different Protestant churches, I noticed a pattern. They seem to hold the bible up almost as an idol and claim that God only saves through the bible. If this is true, then what of those without the bible in the world? what of the church before our modern bible was compiled and ratified by the ecumenical councils? (which is also tradition by the way). God is not confined to the bible. The bible is a centerpiece to our faith, absolutely. I have heard it taught that it was through the Holy Spirit that our modern new testament came to be as it is today. I agree with this teaching but it is important to remember that it was the Holy Spirit working through the CHURCH. The interpretation of scripture is not to be decided by one man, but by the consensus of the church. In these points I have a lot in common with the Catholic Church. We are to trust Christ because the scriptures wrote about Christ. They point to him and tell us about him.
One thing I will say about Protestants is that they do an excellent job of boiling down the essentials of the faith. The reformation also carried the printing press forward with translations of the bible we can all read and enjoy. I probably never would've had an interest in the faith if it weren't for my dad. He is the spiritual head of my family. He is very wise and educated. We disagree a lot on certain points of theology but I will always give respect and weight to his opinions. He actually had a starting influence on my theology. He was the one who taught me to consider all the angles before making a decision and that is exactly what I practice. For those who remain in the evangelical tradition I again say I still and always will consider you my brothers and sisters in Christ. I do not believe you are heretics. Liturgy suits me because I do not like change and I need discipline. Spontaneity suits some people better because they get more meaning out of it. Liturgy is what I have always been looking for. I have found Orthodoxy as a tradition that is much better suited to meet my spiritual and emotional needs. I crave the mystical supper of our Lord. I seek a deeper connection to Christ and I believe I have found that in Orthodoxy. Our faith may take us across traditions. Some will be led to the Reformation, some to Rome and others to Constantinople. God knows each of us is different and we all come from different walks of life and struggles. His Grace is bigger than any single denomination. Orthodoxy is not perfect. Like any denomination it has its fights and bitter quarrels. I am continually amazed with God's mercy, love and care. God may not always have given me what I wanted but He does provide for my needs. I had been feeling the intense pain of suicidal depression and I constantly worry about the future such as how am I going to provide for myself? Will I ever find someone to love and take care of me? Am I always alone? The biggest question for me was this: How will I physically survive my next intense suicidal depression? God points me to the liturgy and answers my fears of change. "I am Unchanging. Do not be afraid."
I have considered multiple traditions inside Protestantism and tradition outside Protestantism. First was Episcopalian. I rejected this because Episcopalians have largely liberalized, change their theology and introduced teachings contrary to Christianity. Next I considered Anglicanism. I rejected this as well because one, there are no Anglican churches in my area and two, because they don't have a clear line of apostolic succession. Next, I considered Roman Catholicism. I rejected this for a few reasons. First and foremost before I say anything, this is not meant as bashing of traditions. A lot of my family on my mom's side are Italian Roman Catholic and I do not doubt their sincerity nor their faith and there are actually some doctrines that I share with Roman Catholics. This is simply what I have found in my research and what I have been convicted by. The first reason I rejected Catholicism as a possibility is first and foremost the authority of the Pope. I disagree with the Pope for different reasons than Protestants do. While I acknowledge the Pope as a bishop in succession of Saint Peter and as a leader of the Roman Church, I do not recognize his universal claim over all the sees of all of the other apostles. I consider him the first among equals among the other bishops but this is a moot point since the Roman Church split from communion with Eastern Orthodoxy a thousand years ago. I also rejected Catholicism due to the rising corruption of the church in the high medieval ages. Now this does not fully represent Catholicism today but it was a factor in my decision. And finally, I rejected Catholicism due to it's innovations in it's theology such as the Immaculate Conception, Infallibility of the Pope, Assumption of Mary, etc. I do not think that Roman Catholics are heretics as many protestants do. I see hope for the future and pray for the unity of the church. Pope Francis and Ecumenical Patriarch Bartholomew 1 are in dialogue for the first time in nearly one thousand years. This is a positive step. I admire Pope Francis' Ecumenism across denominations.
A dilemma I had coming out of high school and into my twenties was seeing the how many Protestant denominations there are and why. It ultimately comes down to a disdain and rejection of authority. I understand the protestant position because I grew up in it and I believed it. The abuses from medieval Catholicism left a bad taste in many reformers' mouths and they had legitimate grievances. However, if Catholicism is charged with adding to the faith, then Protestantism can be accused of taking away from the faith. I find the doctrine of Sola Scriptura (Scripture alone) to be untenable. In an old catholic adage, 'Every man becomes his own pope'. I will not go in to detail here because this post is not meant to be a theological debate. Suffice it to say that holy Tradition has always been a part of the church from it's beginning. Sola Scriptura is the reason why we see such disunity with the Protestant movement. 30,000 denominations and counting! If each believer truly has the authority to interpret scripture how he may, then why don't two people ever agree? 'Truth divides' is not an efficient answer for me. Jesus prays for the unity of ALL believers. Paul also says that the church is the pillar of truth; something that I see many protestants not putting in to effect. You can't have the Bible without Holy Tradition. Saints Paul and Jude make liberal use of rabbinical tradition and Paul exhorts us multiple times in his letters to 'hold fast to the tradition handed down to you; whether by epistle or word of mouth.'
As I tried attending different Protestant churches, I noticed a pattern. They seem to hold the bible up almost as an idol and claim that God only saves through the bible. If this is true, then what of those without the bible in the world? what of the church before our modern bible was compiled and ratified by the ecumenical councils? (which is also tradition by the way). God is not confined to the bible. The bible is a centerpiece to our faith, absolutely. I have heard it taught that it was through the Holy Spirit that our modern new testament came to be as it is today. I agree with this teaching but it is important to remember that it was the Holy Spirit working through the CHURCH. The interpretation of scripture is not to be decided by one man, but by the consensus of the church. In these points I have a lot in common with the Catholic Church. We are to trust Christ because the scriptures wrote about Christ. They point to him and tell us about him.
One thing I will say about Protestants is that they do an excellent job of boiling down the essentials of the faith. The reformation also carried the printing press forward with translations of the bible we can all read and enjoy. I probably never would've had an interest in the faith if it weren't for my dad. He is the spiritual head of my family. He is very wise and educated. We disagree a lot on certain points of theology but I will always give respect and weight to his opinions. He actually had a starting influence on my theology. He was the one who taught me to consider all the angles before making a decision and that is exactly what I practice. For those who remain in the evangelical tradition I again say I still and always will consider you my brothers and sisters in Christ. I do not believe you are heretics. Liturgy suits me because I do not like change and I need discipline. Spontaneity suits some people better because they get more meaning out of it. Liturgy is what I have always been looking for. I have found Orthodoxy as a tradition that is much better suited to meet my spiritual and emotional needs. I crave the mystical supper of our Lord. I seek a deeper connection to Christ and I believe I have found that in Orthodoxy. Our faith may take us across traditions. Some will be led to the Reformation, some to Rome and others to Constantinople. God knows each of us is different and we all come from different walks of life and struggles. His Grace is bigger than any single denomination. Orthodoxy is not perfect. Like any denomination it has its fights and bitter quarrels. I am continually amazed with God's mercy, love and care. God may not always have given me what I wanted but He does provide for my needs. I had been feeling the intense pain of suicidal depression and I constantly worry about the future such as how am I going to provide for myself? Will I ever find someone to love and take care of me? Am I always alone? The biggest question for me was this: How will I physically survive my next intense suicidal depression? God points me to the liturgy and answers my fears of change. "I am Unchanging. Do not be afraid."
Thursday, July 27, 2017
Faith Through Prayer and Depression
Christ will always be at the center of my faith. A personal relationship with God is imperative but not at the expense of isolating one's self from the community and the body of Christ. We are social creatures and God made us that way for a reason. I knew this intellectually but I never put it into practice until the past few months. When one accepts that worshiping together with other believers is imperative to our spiritual health and walk with God, then one starts to understand the significance of communion and Baptism. I grew up thinking and believing that communion is purely symbolic and that nothing happens. Sure, we still take it because it's a command of Christ, but why does he command us to do so? John 6 is a great explanation for this. Also, what struck me as I studies the sacraments was what Paul warns of in 1 Corinthians 11:29-31. Taking the Eucharist in an unworthy manner led some Corinthians to become sick and die. This to me clearly indicates that the Eucharist is more than merely symbolic. Sacramentum means to make holy. A sacrament is where holiness meets the natural world. Jesus Christ himself is a sacrament and the ultimate sacrament. The Eucharist is God's gift to the church. We partake of an intimate communion with our savior and this is something I crave.
I do not mean to suggest that the Eucharist is the only means of salvation or that the sacraments in and of themselves save us. They do not. Even prayer is a sacrament. Through prayer, we boldly approach the throne of God and make our requests and petitions. I grew up making spontaneous prayers. I looked on scripted prayers with suspicion because I saw them as insincere and ritualistic. Depression blew this concept out of the water. Scripted prayers can become rote but there is a beauty and sincerity to them that can't be ignored. I become so depressed at times that words do not come to my mind. Just tears. This is where prayer books, the Lord's prayer, the Sinner's prayer, the Jesus prayer and the psalms completely changed all that. They spoke what was on my heart and it put a shot in the arm in my prayer life. It gives me discipline and structure, something that is sorely needed in my life. I have Aspergers (although very mild) and ADD and I have come to believe that this is where God has led me. He has provided for my needs and my personality.
I still have not decided if I want to commit to a liturgical church or not. I may decide to stay within Evangelicalism with some major modifications. My prayer life is liturgical and I intend to take communion in a liturgical and sacramental way as well. I have set up an Orthodox prayer corner with visuals, or icons. (side note: icons are NOT prayed to. They are prayer aides). The current church I go to is Calvary. It is a wonderful church with wonderful godly people and I have made many friends there. My small group is very important to me as they are my friends and brothers and sisters in Christ. They are fairly open minded when it comes to other christian traditions. Something that is pleasing for me to see within Evangelicalism is its dialogue with other traditions and its increasing awareness of how extreme individualism is damaging. It isolates us from the other members within the body of Christ. This isn't just Evangelicalism either. Many traditions have been influenced by our culture of individualism. Individualism is a good thing. But extreme individualism does not meet the needs of others in a community. Evangelicalism has it's strength in spreading the gospel and equipping others to spread the gospel. This tradition is also learning to build lasting connections and a strong community; including reaching out to other christian traditions who are also part of the body of Christ. I tend to look at Calvary with respect and praise because of the positive connections it has made with other communities.
I believe that I will be dealing with depression for the rest of my life. Maybe not at the same severity at a constant level, but depression will be there nonetheless. God is slowly but surely equipping me with the tools and habits I need to cope with depression. I still pray spontaneously but I pepper my prayers with scripture and scripted prayers as well. The communion of the saints has been a balm for my wounds. Knowing that the body of Christ encompasses those on heaven and on earth is very comforting. My aunt, whom I have great respect for, has said that we don't pray TO the saints but ask them to pray for us much like we would ask a friend to pray for us. 'The prayer of a righteous person bears much fruit.' Many of my protestant friends wouldn't agree with this but that is okay. If that doesn't help your walk with God then I wouldn't force that on you. Each one of us is different and God brings us through different paths and different trials. Sometimes those paths will take us across denominational lines. I will NEVER abandon Christ nor my faith. This is where God has led me. Where He leads me next is a great adventure. It may be filled with pain and suffering but there will be growth and joy as well. Glory to God in all things!
I do not mean to suggest that the Eucharist is the only means of salvation or that the sacraments in and of themselves save us. They do not. Even prayer is a sacrament. Through prayer, we boldly approach the throne of God and make our requests and petitions. I grew up making spontaneous prayers. I looked on scripted prayers with suspicion because I saw them as insincere and ritualistic. Depression blew this concept out of the water. Scripted prayers can become rote but there is a beauty and sincerity to them that can't be ignored. I become so depressed at times that words do not come to my mind. Just tears. This is where prayer books, the Lord's prayer, the Sinner's prayer, the Jesus prayer and the psalms completely changed all that. They spoke what was on my heart and it put a shot in the arm in my prayer life. It gives me discipline and structure, something that is sorely needed in my life. I have Aspergers (although very mild) and ADD and I have come to believe that this is where God has led me. He has provided for my needs and my personality.
I still have not decided if I want to commit to a liturgical church or not. I may decide to stay within Evangelicalism with some major modifications. My prayer life is liturgical and I intend to take communion in a liturgical and sacramental way as well. I have set up an Orthodox prayer corner with visuals, or icons. (side note: icons are NOT prayed to. They are prayer aides). The current church I go to is Calvary. It is a wonderful church with wonderful godly people and I have made many friends there. My small group is very important to me as they are my friends and brothers and sisters in Christ. They are fairly open minded when it comes to other christian traditions. Something that is pleasing for me to see within Evangelicalism is its dialogue with other traditions and its increasing awareness of how extreme individualism is damaging. It isolates us from the other members within the body of Christ. This isn't just Evangelicalism either. Many traditions have been influenced by our culture of individualism. Individualism is a good thing. But extreme individualism does not meet the needs of others in a community. Evangelicalism has it's strength in spreading the gospel and equipping others to spread the gospel. This tradition is also learning to build lasting connections and a strong community; including reaching out to other christian traditions who are also part of the body of Christ. I tend to look at Calvary with respect and praise because of the positive connections it has made with other communities.
I believe that I will be dealing with depression for the rest of my life. Maybe not at the same severity at a constant level, but depression will be there nonetheless. God is slowly but surely equipping me with the tools and habits I need to cope with depression. I still pray spontaneously but I pepper my prayers with scripture and scripted prayers as well. The communion of the saints has been a balm for my wounds. Knowing that the body of Christ encompasses those on heaven and on earth is very comforting. My aunt, whom I have great respect for, has said that we don't pray TO the saints but ask them to pray for us much like we would ask a friend to pray for us. 'The prayer of a righteous person bears much fruit.' Many of my protestant friends wouldn't agree with this but that is okay. If that doesn't help your walk with God then I wouldn't force that on you. Each one of us is different and God brings us through different paths and different trials. Sometimes those paths will take us across denominational lines. I will NEVER abandon Christ nor my faith. This is where God has led me. Where He leads me next is a great adventure. It may be filled with pain and suffering but there will be growth and joy as well. Glory to God in all things!
Sunday, July 16, 2017
Continuing In The Faith
I grew up in Protestantism. It has no doubt influenced me and it is through Protestantism and more specifically in evangelicalism that I came to know Christ. However, since I began researching early church history and church history in general, Eastern Orthodoxy has grabbed my attention and heavily influenced me. When westerners view eastern orthodoxy, they are quick to point out that it is mystical. But otherwise they know little to nothing about it. For example, did you know that for the first 1000 to 1200 years of the church, that eastern orthodoxy and Catholicism were united and in communion with one another? Like Roman Catholicism, they can trace their roots back to the first churches planted by the apostles.
As western Christians and the western world in general, we tend to use rationalism as the final and sole arbiter of truth. I have come to the conclusion that we should use our reason and rationalism, but when we try to search the mysteries of God, we will hit a road block. This is the view of Eastern Orthodoxy. There are doctrines in our faith that we as finite humans will not be able to fully reason out. doctrines such as the trinity and the fact that Christ is 100% God and 100% man. We need to learn to be okay with these unexplained gray areas.
In my journey, I feel God pushing me to liturgical worship. As I examine myself and ask why this is, I come up with a few speculations. For those of you who know me, I am extremely resistant to change and routine. Also, my life is extremely unorganized with no discipline, as my parents can attest to very well. Ever since I've been modeling my prayer life off of the church calendar and have been adopting Eastern Orthodox prayer practices, My life has completely changed. It has put an adrenaline shot into my prayer life. For the first time in my life, I actually feel joy as I feel connected to God and the body of Christ as never before.
For the past few years I have been slowly but surely pulling away from evangelicalism. The reasons for this are many but are way too many for this post so I will list the top 3. The first and foremost is because of my chronic severe depression. As I have talked to a few evangelical pastors and leaders and asked them how they deal with members who have depression, they have either told me that they have no sufficient answers or that their church is not equipped to deal with that. I was rather baffled due to there being statistics of rampant depression and suicide rates in the states and Colorado being among the highest ranked.
Reason number two is because of Tradition. While Tradition isn't as authoritative as the bible and isn't necessary for salvation, I strongly believe it should be given weight and considered. The official general teaching in Protestantism about Tradition is that it is valuable but not on the same level as scripture. This is not what I see in much of evangelicalism. My experience is that I see Tradition laughed off, disregarded and treated as irrelevant. This is a very American and modern view and I think Martin Luther would roll over in his grave at hearing this. Tradition does not take away from Christianity nor does it take away glory from God. It enriches it!
And finally reason number three is the disconnect I see when I compare Jesus and the early church fathers in their context when compared to today. The worship is completely different. Worship has always been liturgical. While I wouldn't be dogmatic and say it's the only way, there is much beauty in liturgical worship and it truly is focused on glorifying God. I attended Divine Liturgy at Saint Luke's today and for the first time ever, I sang. Sang! I never sing! Liturgical worship has directed my ADD mind to praise God.
I have been giving serious thought and prayer to switching traditions. I haven't made a final decision because I want to compare doctrines and continue researching the early church. Don't get me wrong, Evangelicalism has many positive attributes. It is how I came to a saving faith and I will continue to have faith in Christ as my savior all of my days. Whether you are a believer in the Protestant or Catholic tradition, I still consider you a brother/sister in Christ. I am convinced that God is pulling my heart this way. In whatever I decide, I am not deciding without much research and especially prayer. In fact, the vast majority of my free time is currently dedicated to prayer, research and study of whether I want to join the Eastern Orthodox tradition or not. As a lover of history, I feel most connected to the church and God when I am immersed in it. I am fully aware of many of the doctrines and practices that most protestants would object to such as communion of the saints, The sacraments, icons, Apostolic Succession and the ecumenical councils. My challenge to those of you who object to these would be this: Research it. Not just what you are taught but arguments from the other side and the scriptural basis for these doctrines. these doctrines have been around for much longer than Protestantism has even existed. You don't have to believe in these. Just consider both sides of the argument. That goes for any topic really. Not just faith. I would like to close with this verse in favor of ecumenism My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, 21 that all of them may be one,Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. 22 I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— 23 I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.
-John 17:20-23
As western Christians and the western world in general, we tend to use rationalism as the final and sole arbiter of truth. I have come to the conclusion that we should use our reason and rationalism, but when we try to search the mysteries of God, we will hit a road block. This is the view of Eastern Orthodoxy. There are doctrines in our faith that we as finite humans will not be able to fully reason out. doctrines such as the trinity and the fact that Christ is 100% God and 100% man. We need to learn to be okay with these unexplained gray areas.
In my journey, I feel God pushing me to liturgical worship. As I examine myself and ask why this is, I come up with a few speculations. For those of you who know me, I am extremely resistant to change and routine. Also, my life is extremely unorganized with no discipline, as my parents can attest to very well. Ever since I've been modeling my prayer life off of the church calendar and have been adopting Eastern Orthodox prayer practices, My life has completely changed. It has put an adrenaline shot into my prayer life. For the first time in my life, I actually feel joy as I feel connected to God and the body of Christ as never before.
For the past few years I have been slowly but surely pulling away from evangelicalism. The reasons for this are many but are way too many for this post so I will list the top 3. The first and foremost is because of my chronic severe depression. As I have talked to a few evangelical pastors and leaders and asked them how they deal with members who have depression, they have either told me that they have no sufficient answers or that their church is not equipped to deal with that. I was rather baffled due to there being statistics of rampant depression and suicide rates in the states and Colorado being among the highest ranked.
Reason number two is because of Tradition. While Tradition isn't as authoritative as the bible and isn't necessary for salvation, I strongly believe it should be given weight and considered. The official general teaching in Protestantism about Tradition is that it is valuable but not on the same level as scripture. This is not what I see in much of evangelicalism. My experience is that I see Tradition laughed off, disregarded and treated as irrelevant. This is a very American and modern view and I think Martin Luther would roll over in his grave at hearing this. Tradition does not take away from Christianity nor does it take away glory from God. It enriches it!
And finally reason number three is the disconnect I see when I compare Jesus and the early church fathers in their context when compared to today. The worship is completely different. Worship has always been liturgical. While I wouldn't be dogmatic and say it's the only way, there is much beauty in liturgical worship and it truly is focused on glorifying God. I attended Divine Liturgy at Saint Luke's today and for the first time ever, I sang. Sang! I never sing! Liturgical worship has directed my ADD mind to praise God.
I have been giving serious thought and prayer to switching traditions. I haven't made a final decision because I want to compare doctrines and continue researching the early church. Don't get me wrong, Evangelicalism has many positive attributes. It is how I came to a saving faith and I will continue to have faith in Christ as my savior all of my days. Whether you are a believer in the Protestant or Catholic tradition, I still consider you a brother/sister in Christ. I am convinced that God is pulling my heart this way. In whatever I decide, I am not deciding without much research and especially prayer. In fact, the vast majority of my free time is currently dedicated to prayer, research and study of whether I want to join the Eastern Orthodox tradition or not. As a lover of history, I feel most connected to the church and God when I am immersed in it. I am fully aware of many of the doctrines and practices that most protestants would object to such as communion of the saints, The sacraments, icons, Apostolic Succession and the ecumenical councils. My challenge to those of you who object to these would be this: Research it. Not just what you are taught but arguments from the other side and the scriptural basis for these doctrines. these doctrines have been around for much longer than Protestantism has even existed. You don't have to believe in these. Just consider both sides of the argument. That goes for any topic really. Not just faith. I would like to close with this verse in favor of ecumenism My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, 21 that all of them may be one,Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. 22 I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— 23 I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.
-John 17:20-23
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)