Let me make this clear right off the bat: I am NOT suicidal. In this post I will be discussing how I slowly got more and more serious about suicide as my depression dragged on. If I were to go back in time as far as possible to see where I could find the first roots of depression, it would be when I was about seven years old. I will not discuss the circumstances surrounding this vivid memory because it is too personal. Again however, if you are close to me and know me well, you may ask me. It is a memory that is still very strong as if it only happened yesterday. I remember how I felt, I remember what I smelled, and I remember what I saw.
Depression went dormant until about third grade and even though it appeared to be mild depression, it stays with me from now on and it will grow into what my depression is today. That is when I first started feeling lonely. I had just changed schools and I don't make friends easily. I am an overall passive person. As most of you know and have experienced, there is a kind of social hierarchy in school. You have your jock group, nerds, theater people, etc. Back then I would've considered myself at the very bottom. Especially since it was a new school. I spent recesses playing by myself all through elementary and partway through middle school.
When the sixth grade came around, that's when depression really hit and it's also when I had my first experience with suicidal thoughts. See, the year before, I had become great friends with this one girl. Now that I think about it, she's probably the one who influenced me (in a good way) and helped me break out of my shell and talk more to people. This friendship was extremely valuable to me and this is the first incidence where I started to emotionally invest in a person. The friendship dissolved in the second quarter of sixth grade. I can't exactly remember the circumstances surrounding this but I remember that this completely devastated me and plunged me back into depression. I lost interest in school, I withdrew from my social life, and I cried at least once a day. I was twelve years old. I was failing all my classes and this is when I learned that I had ADD. This made me feel inferior to everyone. In late December, I became suicidal. I never told anyone. Not even my parents knew and they still don't know. This is where my ability to hide my emotions and feelings really blossomed. I had suicidal thoughts but not to the point where I wanted to act on them. They eventually faded away but it definitely left a profound impact on me. It took five years for me to get past my feelings for her. (On a side note, I didn't really start to pursue God until after this incident. Before sixth grade, I had absolutely no interest with things to do with God or the bible. I realized my need for a savior after the dust settled from this bout of depression).
My depression went dormant again about halfway through seventh grade. This is where I met one of my best friends in health class. To this day, he is still a very good friend of mine. He is the one who finally cracked my shell and I became more social. A lot more social. However, I still had this void in my heart that I couldn't explain so I made many superficial friends to surround myself with. They were little more than a form of security for me. I admit that I became rather cocky and arrogant at this stage of my life because I felt I had so many friends and I considered myself above some people. I'm definitely far from perfect. This continued until my junior year of high school.
My friend whom I met in my seventh grade health class changed schools once junior year came. Depression was threatening to overtake me once again and I knew I had to make some new friends quick. I refused to sit by and be alone again. Luckily, I made some new friends rather quickly. This is a year where God truly blessed me with some wonderful friends with whom I still keep in touch with. At this point, I had a rather versatile group of friends. I had friends from all over the social hierarchy. I honestly stopped caring about wanting popularity and I was content where I was. God is truly gracious. I met another one of my really close friends (with whom I still talk to today) in my Spanish class. She is a year ahead of me and I had this mindset where upper class men don't mingle with lower class men. Boy, she was definitely not what I expected. I remember that moment perfectly. I was wearing jeans and a sweatshirt and she was wearing flip-flops and shorts. I was assigned to sit next to her. She is quite a pretty lady. She has a great sense of humor and she makes me smile all the time. She turned to face me, smiled, held out her hand and introduced herself. We connected instantly and we became great friends. I'm just amazed because I would have been way too shy to talk to her. If she hadn't initiated the conversation, then we probably wouldn't have become friends! We have a lot in common too. We are both gluten intolerant so we often swap recipes. Another good friend I met was in my chemistry class. I remember this perfectly as well. Again, I was assigned to sit next to her. We were in the back row and on metal stools. She turned to me and asked, 'Do you want to be friends?' I misunderstood her and thought she said, 'Do you have friends?' I said, 'Heck yes!' It was only after I said that that my brain processed what she actually asked. It didn't matter at that point because I was already friends with her. This was also the year I became friends with the girl I took to prom. I knew her from church but we hadn't talked much. I sent a friend request to her on facebook just because she looked familiar to me. She accepted and instantly introduced herself. Again, we really connected and I still cherish her friendship to this day. All three of the important friends I made that year initiated conversation with me and I am still amazed that such a lucky guy like me got to be friends with pretty ladies like them. I think that was the best year of school ever.
Senior year came by and I thought of this as my slack off year. sixth grade really influenced my view on education as well. I came to hate it and I still do to this day. I really couldn't have cared less about college and college prep. In fact, my counselor forced me to at least apply for front range. Depression re-emerged and this time, it was here to stay. I began having breakdowns and panic attacks over the future. I was scared to death of losing contact with all of my friends once high school ended. I also felt enormous pressure to go to prom but I didn't have the courage to ask anyone. I know who I wanted to ask but my legs quaked at the thought of asking her. I was such a chicken that one of my friends pretty much made me ask! I remember this day well. We were filming a project in my neighborhood and I was going to use this as an opportunity to ask her to the prom. I chickened out. The film was for math and it was called The Dreadnut. Those were great times. So after we filmed, We were going into our cars and preparing to leave when my friend turned to me, looked me straight in the eye and said loudly, 'Ask her!!!' My heart stopped and I completely froze. She took my phone texted a sample message, and then told me to press send. I did. I am smiling right now because I remember how much of a wuss I was. I went home and anxiously awaited her reply. I threw up from being so nervous. She said yes! Prom was great. I'll never forget it and I still have the corsage she gave me. After all the fun was over, my panic attacks increased.
High school was over. I had no desire to go to school. My only option was to find a job. I found one. I was employed at goodwill industries. I was really nervous and uncomfortable for the first couple weeks but I got used to it. i really enjoyed making money. Money was freedom to me. At this point, I had Jesus in my heart but I didn't really have any experience with the 'rogue winds of life' so looking back, I would have considered myself spiritually immature. This takes place during the last three months of 2010. My friend whom I took to prom began hanging out a lot more. She suggested that I take a class with her at front range. I thought it would be nice to get some college experience and I wanted to be near her so I said yes. Now, I don't have much world experience and I had never applied to college before so I was extremely nervous and I had no idea how to drive there or what to do when I got there. She pretty much held my hand through the whole process. The school counselor I had was an old lady and I must say, she vexes me so. She took forever to talk and she screwed up my graduating year. She put 2099 as my graduating year. This was now January 2011 and I can say with complete honesty that this was the darkest year of my life.
Even though front range was small, I still found it extremely intimidating. I pretty much kept my mouth shut the whole semester and almost never participated in class because i was so shy. This is where depression got progressively worse. I mid-January, I started texting my friend a lot and telling her that I was feeling depressed. She did everything she could to help me and thought it was just mild depression at first. She gave me encouraging bible verses when hanging out at her place. I burst into tears while reading them because I felt like happiness was so far away and I felt extremely disconnected with God. I found work to be monotonous and I felt sluggish and sad. I was seized by an intense desire to be into a relationship. It was suppressed before because it first started to appear in freshman year. I had never had a girlfriend and i longed for that intimacy and I realized that that was the void I was feeling in my heart. Looking back, I think I fell in love with the girl I took to prom because one, she was my closest friend at this point and two, I wasn't thinking straight and I was looking for any opportunity to jump into a relationship. This has definitely left it's mark on me and I believe this could have been prevented if I never had the habit of suppressing all my feelings and emotions. We bring depression upon ourselves.
Near the end of January, I finished work early and I felt awful. I was driving home and the first suicidal thought since seven years ago popped into my mind. 'I'm tired and I want to die.' I shared nearly everything with my friend and when I told her this, she said I needed professional help. This blew my mind because I thought at this point I was going to be put into an asylum. She's the one who convinced me to tell my family and if she hadn't, I would be dead. (This is one of the reasons why her friendship is so extremely valuable to me. It's not everyday that your life gets saved.)
I've covered the details of what happened in my earlier posts. I will now discuss how suicidal thoughts and attempts intensified. The first time I attempted suicide was the scariest moment of my life. I was in shock that I was about to do this.I couldn't believe it had come to this. I was only stopped by a friend calling me on my phone. My first attempt was a sort of heat-of-the-moment type. I wrote no suicide note. All I knew was that I wanted out. I thought it was the only logical option. When someone attempts suicide for the first time, it's not because they want to die. It's because they see no other way to escape their pain. My first attempt left me extremely drained and sapped my will. Here is my first journal entry from that night. (I had to censor the names mentioned)
January 30th, 2011
Today I had a suicide attempt. It's my first one. I'd be dead right now if the girl I befriended in sophomore year hadn't called me. I thought she was mad at me so I'm surprised she called. She told me that she loved me. Huh, that's funny cuz I always though that none of my friends really cared. I feel like I've been a burden. Especially to my closest friend. Her friendship is something I never want to lose. That thought scares the hell outta me. Never in my life have I felt this terrible. Support from friends has comforted me. A small part of me still wants to die but I don't think I'm gonna try committing suicide again. I'm so sick of being single. Mom thinks there's someone for everyone but I don't believe that. I think it's up to chance. I have to go to the hospital tomorrow. I'm scared. It's so hard for me to stop the negative thoughts. I think about being single and then it starts.... I'm so exhausted. I can't believe how blind I've been to all the blessings in my life. I'm mad at myself for feeling like this. My closest friend's been a blessing. My life feels so dark. I'm going to bed cuz this tylenol pm is starting to kick in.
My first suicide attempt led to self loathing. I began to cut. A lot. I liked the pain and I felt that I deserved it. 32 crimson red gashes marred both of my arms. I still have all the scars. On February 15th, 2011 I attempted suicide once more but the big difference was this: I wanted to die. One of my close friends who lives in my neighborhood texted me and wanted to hang out. That's what stopped me. Long story short, he took me to the emergency room once he saw my arms. Each suicide attempt only increased the hatred I had for myself. It is an extremely deadly cycle and it's something you never want to get stuck in. I prayed daily for God to snuff me out and take my life. I stopped eating, stopped drinking, lost a ton of weight and went pale. I just stopped taking care of myself altogether. Each day I woke up to find myself alive. I flew into a rage and argued with God about why I was still alive. I gave an ultimatum. If things didn't improve by my birthday in in august, then I would kill myself. I began to plan in earnest. I brainstormed methods and ways to kill myself. I also started to write my will. I wanted my body to be cremated and my ashes to be cast in the wind. I wanted no memorial or a tombstone. I hated myself so much that I didn't want any evidence that I ever existed. It's painful to even recall how much pain I was in. I prayed that my family and friends would let me go so I could die.
In conclusion, my first stages of suicide revolved around pain and extreme sorrow and then it moved into rage and hatred. In early 2012, it involved extremely painful heartache, hopelessness, and detachment. I cannot even put into adequate words the pain I was in. It was unlike anything I ever felt. After my near suicide attempt on valentines day, I made a pledge to myself, my therapist, and my friends and family. I promised to fight this with everything I got and to NEVER suppress my emotions again. It is a pledge I wrote down and one I uphold to this day. My faith and trust in Christ is stronger than it has ever been at any time in my life. It is He who sustains me. Repent, refocus, replace. This is the method I will use to keep the focus on Christ and to have Him as number one in my life. I trust Christ to lead me to my future wife. I must pray with confidence and not be meek. I no longer have superficial friends, but real, true friends. My bonds with them are stronger than ever. With their support, I will make it through this dark time. Only through pain and suffering do we grow. Depression focuses solely on the self. Even though I may be going through a rough time, I never forget about my friends or others who are suffering. I pray for my friends everyday and if I notice anyone who's in pain, I do my best to help them. I am even trying to spread the gospel to some of my friends. I pray for them everyday and I find this fulfilling. I feel like I am accomplishing something and contributing to God's kingdom. Who knew that God could turn such a terrible thing like suicide into something that ultimately benefits me? God has revealed Himself to me throughout my depression and there are no longer severe doubts in my mind. I know He is there. He has a plan for EVERYONE. What I love about Jesus is that He's already won the war. All that's left is to wait for Satan's doom. In this fallen world, there is sadness and despair but It won't be this way forever. God promises to make the world anew. God keeps His promises.
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