Ruminations

     I am  a man of little patience. That is one of my weaknesses. I've also been told that one of my strengths is that I have a big heart. This seems to be my downfall because I feel nothing but pain and hurt. I have started to think earlier today that maybe God is letting me go through this because it's His way of preparing me for a relationship in the near future. It's something that I hadn't dared to even consider but it seems to make sense. I hate to admit it but I'm not prepared for a relationship in my current state. If I got into one now and it didn't work out, I know it would destroy me. It's super frustrating because I want one NOW. There was a time when I would've dove into a relationship just to stop being alone but that's not what I want. I want a relationship with someone I love. I don't want a relationship just for security. This is definitely the darkest time of my life but I'm still here. I'm still alive. There is going to be a lot more pain ahead but I have to put my head down and plow through it. I remember times when I was suicidal and I thought that this was impossible to overcome. I lost all hope of getting better. And the biggest thing that broke my heart is I felt nobody could truly love me in a romantic way. That was the constant tone of things every time I became suicidal. Suicide is a path I never wish to go down again. That path leads to hopelessness, despair, and feelings so painful that I cannot truly describe them. I still remember how painful it was and always choke back tears when I look back. It's been imprinted on my mind and I will never forget it. But that is in the past. The more time that passes, the more the pain will be numbed.
          It's funny. Two years ago, I would've refused to make this blog because I feared how people would react. I no longer care what other people think. I have to do what's best for me now. For most of my life, I subconsciously never really cared for my well being because I was always thinking about others. (Like what they're doing right now, who is available to hang out, etc). I internalize all my feelings and emotions as a way to protect myself from feeling pain and to avoid embarrassment. I realize now that this is what made me sick and depressed. I'm training myself to get out of that habit. Holding in everything will cause the dam to explode and then, you're in for a LOT of pain. Feelings are nothing to be ashamed of. It doesn't matter if you're a guy or girl. Everyone has feelings. It's what makes us human. Without emotions or feelings, we'd be a lot like machines or zombies. That's what I was like for most of my life. I was an expert at hiding my feelings. No one knew what I was thinking or feeling. Even when I'm angry, I don't show it but those of you who know me really well, you know when I get angry. I purse my lips and I don't say a word. Not a single word. I am now learning how to let out my emotions in a healthy way and I know how to filter them. I am changing every day. I am amazed by the power depression has to change people. I promise you, it does change people. Either in a good way or a bad way. I know I am being changed in a good way. I have a hunger to help people in pain. When I help people, I can sympathize with them and sometimes it moves me to tears. Just this past week, I was moved to tears while praying for a few of my friends. Helping people helps alleviate my own pain. Life is a waste if you just keep to yourself all the time. I reject the idea of living life to it's fullest. It's extremely selfish and it's a way of saying that you're going to get all the pleasure this world has to offer. I can tell you from experience that the pleasures of this life are temporary and fleeting. Focus your energy on things eternal. By helping others and spreading the gospel, you gain treasures in heaven. Remember, your life is not your own. God created you and it is His to take when the time comes.