Suicide

     What is suicide? Suicide is where hope goes to die. It is the absence of love. It's a place where darkness and loneliness rule. Suicide is like a cancer. It starts as a single, passing thought and before you know it, it dictates how you think, feel, and what you do. Suicide is much like hell except the difference is that God is present in your suffering. He is there to comfort you when all else seems lost. This link touched my heart and is a perfect reflection of what I have been going through: 

                                    http://members.tripod.com/mi_ruka0/id18.html

       I was shocked at how common these feelings are. Yes, the circumstances may be unique to each individual but the feelings and emotions are the same. My heart goes out to this girl. Suicide is the most painful I have ever went through. I cringe to stare at those memories straight in the face. I hide these memories beneath layers and layers of my mind. It is buried in my subconscious but it is there. It is burned into my mind and I shall never forget is as long as I live. The pain was.....  excruciatingly unbearable. I was able to conceive of my life coming to an end. I imagined my life as a long walk down a corridor and there was a door at the end. The worse I got, the closer to this door I came. I was practically sprinting there. It's as if I had slowly cracked the door open and peeked through the other side. What I saw frightened me to death. I saw darkness, uncertainty, loneliness, and pain. All I had to do to pass through was swing the door all the way open and take a step. A voice in my head that was not my own stopped me. It said, 'stop. Wait.' At this point, I knew that if I went through this figurative door, it would effectively end my life and there would be no turning back. I shut the door and walked away. Thus ended my first flirtation with death. I believe that voice to be Jesus. Ever since I heard that voice, whenever I came close to suicide, I heeded those two words. Stop. Wait. Such simple words and yet they have an air of authority.
        Sometimes I wonder if I am getting better or if I am just used to the pain. There are many fears and hurts that I refuse to face head on because I know it would overwhelm me and drag me back down to despair. I imagine my mind like a glass ball and each thing depression throws at it cracks it. How much longer until it shatters? This thought is reflected in the link above. The difference is that I do not need to mourn like those who have no hope. I have Jesus and His grace is sufficient for me. There have been times when I have been short on faith and that I felt like He wasn't doing anything but each time the pain has passed, it's as if Jesus repairs my mind of glass. It has shattered many times but He has repaired it each time. It's funny because I'm only just realizing that as I write this. There are still many pains and sorrows I have yet to face but I am comforted by knowing that Jesus will never leave me nor forsake me. Depression is something that can make or break your faith. My faith has definitely been put to the test. God has used my depression as way to test and refine my faith through the fires and pressures of depression. I have been to the brink. I almost jumped off the edge but Jesus pulled me back. I can say with confidence that these trials have solidified my faith in Christ and I know His words to be true. I have overcome suicide time after time. At first I thought it was just weakening me for the death blow but I now realize that it has made me stronger. I now have the courage to fight and resist and this is a battle I am determined to win.