Then And Now

     Today, my depression isn't nearly as frequent as it was last year. I remember being suicidal several weeks straight. The feeling was awful and lonely. It was like stumbling through a dark cave by yourself and you couldn't find a light source or a way out. Constant heartache, hopelessness and tears. My mind was never in the present because it was too painful to face reality. Even when I tried to escape to a happy place in my mind, it was nowhere to be found. Just black. Pain. Despair. It's as if my mind was divided into two parts. The past was too painful to dwell on because I regretted so much and I wished that I was never born. The future frightened me to death because all I saw was loneliness and extreme pain. Imagine feeling that constantly for weeks. It's honestly a miracle that I am alive today. Something that kept me alive is that even though I didn't want to live, I didn't have the will to end my life. I was completely spent physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I prayed to God every day but I doubted that he would answer. The following is an excerpt from my journal. I censored the names for the sake of people's anonymity.

06/14/11
     "My heart is broken. I feel emotionally dead. I want to die but I don't have the courage to go through with it.  I have been forsaken by a friend and I just want to end my life. If I don't have a girlfriend by august 15th then I will kill myself. I would rather be dead than remain single. No one understands because they've been in a relationship before. Me... I've never had one in my life. They have no idea how much pain I'm in. I feel extremely lonely,  pathetic, undesirable and deprived of love and affection. I need this otherwise I will die. Why do I have to endure this existence? This entire year has been a mistake. I hate 2011. I hate college and I hate myself. I hate myself for falling in love because it has only caused unbearable pain. That took away all my happiness.... I'm spent and I just want to end my life. I loathe my sin and that should be reason enough to end my life."

        I was crying and shaking when I wrote this last year. I remember writing every single one of my entries and how I felt. Everything I felt was spilled out into my journal. Even now, reading this again disturbs me. It disturbs me how much pain I was in and it really disturbs me to see how irrational my thinking was. Yet, I can see how I was led down that train of though. It was painful experience after painful experience and my way of coping at this point was by wanting to kill myself. That's how bad the pain was.
      Today, I am depressed. It's nothing too specific today but I just feel sad in general. Lonely I guess. I have learned how to control my suicidal thoughts and when a situation overwhelms and upsets me, I pray like crazy and go straight to the bible and friends. I haven't been suicidal since valentine's day and I plan to keep it that way. It's the worst feeling I've ever experienced. I usually react with disbelief that this is happening and then its as if my hope shatters into a million pieces. What happens next is a mix of a severe panic attack and deep hopelessness and depression. I cling to the Lord to overcome those feelings. I will get through this and things will get better