I still remember all the key points of my depression as if it were only yesterday. When I started to notice that I was slipping into depression, I got real scared. My heart rate was through the roof and my blood pressure was really high. I was sad all the time and you could see it in my face. I never smiled, I rarely talked, I stopped shaving, I quit eating, and I lost interest in activities that I enjoyed. I stopped watching TV as well. I just sat in my chair in complete silence and cried. I had an overwhelming urge to be away from people and sit alone in my room. I still have that urge but I fight it as much as I can. Sometimes my mom and my sister forced me to stay downstairs with them so I wouldn't be alone. I gotta say, it was extremely hard for me to sit still and I had this inexplicable urge to just run away to a quite place. I constantly held back tears but I lost my ability to do that. I just sat next to them, staring at the wall while tears streamed down my face. This all happened while I still had a job and even that became super hard for me. My motor skills slowed to a crawl because of the constant barrage of negative thoughts, feelings, and emotions. My co-workers noticed a change in me as well. I had lost a ton of weight. I believe I had lost up to 25 to 30 pounds. (Fortunately, I am back to a healthy weight). Everything felt dark. Even my vision seemed darkened.
I remember being constantly paranoid and irrational about my friends and family not caring. I felt extremely alone and unloved. I can't describe the pain of having felt that for a year. Sometimes I honestly wonder how I made it through. Depression got so bad for me that I would rather have had a broken leg than a broken heart. The pain was excruciating. I went through physical, emotional and spiritual pain. It's safe to say that I was attacked from every angle and in every way.
I gave myself physical pain because I thought that that would alleviate my emotional pain. It had the opposite effect. I burst into tears when I realized what I was doing to myself. My arms had gashes with crimson blood flowing out of them and in some twisted way I hated myself even more.
Emotional pain was constantly present. I didn't believe there was a chance of me getting better. I felt a huge gaping hole in my heart and I felt so utterly alone. I still feel that way but I often suppress it because I can't fully confront it yet. Every thought was bitter, sad and even angry. I was angry at myself, angry at the world and tired of living. There came a point where all my emotions were drained and that also drained my energy. I often laid around and slept a lot just to avoid reality. I went on walks to but I felt so heavy-hearted and it was actually hard for me to walk. I cried constantly and I often thought of death.
The thing about spiritual pain is that when you experience it along with emotional pain, that's when you truly feel alone. I felt cut off from God and I felt that I was doing something wrong. I felt so guilty for being depressed that I was too ashamed to even read the bible. This is what contributed to leading me to suicide. I felt that I had been uprooted. Forsaken. My entire belief system was in jeopardy. It shook me to the core and I felt without purpose and that my existence was nothing but a cruel joke. It was only when I had almost plunged that dagger into my chest that God spoke to me. I was shaking, screaming and crying. My teeth were gritted and I was breathing heavily. That is when a flicker of hope was kindled. That was when I realized that God had not abandoned me. He was right there the whole time carrying me.
I attempted suicide a few times more in the future but each time those horrible moments passed, I had something to hold onto. Suicide is the absence of hope and love. Christ is just the opposite. Christ is stronger than my problems and I knew he would sustain me so that is why I held on. I still hold on through the grim days. Whenever I feel empty because of heartbreak, I go to Him. My urge and desire to find a wife has never been this strong before. I realize that the only way to beat it and have hope is to hold Christ first in my life because He is everlasting. I still have worries and fears of being alone for the rest of my life and that is something I simply cannot accept. I just can't see me ever having a girlfriend because it's never happened. I try not to think about it because that is when I quickly lose hope. This is something that has humiliated me and made me feel so lonely and pathetic. It makes me feel like that kid who sits by himself at lunch. I'm scared of taking risks because every time I have put myself out there, I've gotten severely hurt. It really makes me retreat from social situations because I feel like I'll make a fool out of myself. I can't confront this part of my depression because all I see is despair and I have no idea how to conquer it. All I can really do is pray
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