Dak Thoughts Part 3

    08/08/11
    I am in agony and tears right now. I hate my life. I am so lonely! Sometimes I wish I could just take a gun to my head and end it all. I'm constantly craving a relationship. Why am I barred from relationships?? I've never been in one in my life and it makes me feel so pathetic and ashamed. It doesn't even make me feel like a person. More like a lonely hermit who's ugly and small. If this is to be my life, then I don't want to live it.  Lord please let this pass or kill me. I've never been in this much agony. I feel as if no one understands what I'm going through cuz they've all been in relationships before. I'm so exhausted and weary of this life. I want to end my life and go home. I failed miserably with my last attempt to get into a relationship and that was nearly 6 months ago. I am still reeling from it. I failed with her. Is this my fate?

        This was written just two days after my birthday. I remember exactly how I felt. I wrote this on my bed crying, and in the dark of night. It pains me to think of how suicidal I was. I am very fortunate that the Lord has given me the strength and will to live and to fight these thoughts with every fiber of my being. Suicide is not the Lord's will. Your life is his to take at the appointed time. This was an extremely difficult lesson for me because I had no desire to live and I saw no hope for the future. I saw the world and this life as cruel and unforgiving and I regretted ever being born. I felt like a stain and a disgrace upon humanity. I still feel incomplete and brokenhearted today because of loneliness. This is something I will struggle with until I find someone right for me. I will not take my life however because the Lord still has work for me to do on this earth. I have three desires and three only: 1. To serve the lord. 2. To get a wife 3. Have kids. I lost my desire for anything material in this world once my depression came upon me. They only serve to fill the time and I have no strong attachments to them.


        " My life is spent. I wasn't very happy in this life. My happiness faded from my life after senior year. I refuse to spend another day in this life unloved by a girl and without hope. Goodbye."

       This suicide note was written the next day after my journal entry. It breaks my heart and makes me cry to read this. I never want to feel like that again. This isn't the whole note, actually. I was so upset and shaky that my handwriting was absolutely atrocious. After this post is finished, I am going to rip up this suicide note and flush it down the toilet. I never want to see this again. It is time to look forward and to find hope and love of my own.