Heartbreak And Agony

       I pray at least three times a day for my heartbreak and pain to be numbed. It broke my heart to cut off my best friend from my life but it was necessary because I emotionally invested way too much in her and that has led to multiple suicide attempts in the past year. Now, that wasn't the only contributing factor but it was definitely a big part. I hate what happened to us. I hate being away from her. I really do love her. More so than any other woman I have loved. These feelings must be purged because they endanger, distract and cause severe pain for me. I can't have her so I must not dwell on it and I must move on. I pray that God fills the huge hole in my heart. It has made me feel hollow for so long.
       Sleep has been extremely elusive for me this past week. My heart constantly races and when I close my eyes, I see her. It drives me to tears every time. I hear her laughs echoing in my hears and her smile is burned into my mind. I'm in shock and disbelief. How did it come to this? I have been extremely angry at myself for being unable to control my emotions and feelings. They destroyed me. I used to put on a mask in front of others and pretend everything was okay. I was a master at it for as long as I can remember. I believe age seven is when I started stuffing my feelings. I will not go into the reason but if you're a friend of mine, you may ask. I cry nearly every night and scream for God to give me relief. He answers my prayer in unexpected ways. My tears cease and I feel completely drained and exhausted. That is when sleep finally comes to me. In the morning, I feel ready to bear the challenges of a new day. I have noticed that when one part of my depression seems to be resolved, either something happens or a new issue comes into play and then I'm back in the dark gloom of depression. After all this, I still refuse to give up. I trust Jesus and I have been praying for Him to teach me how to make Him my number one priority. I finally see how it is He who has comforted me, it is because of Him that I live to this day, and it is Him who can soothe my pain and heartbreak. A wife can only do that to a degree. I must learn to make Jesus my first priority and then everything else will come in time.