I'm starting to think it was a mistake cutting off contact with her. I am in constant pain and I break into tears at least three times a day. I thought some time alone to heal would help but..... This is so painful. I feel helpless and unable to do anything to overcome this. How does one mend a broken heart? I wish none of this had happened. But it did. It has paralyzed me and I am lost and directionless. It's so frustrating letting time take it's course. Depression is by far the worst thing I've experienced in this world. I have no appetite and it's so painful to even think. I just want to go into a deep dreamless sleep. All the decisions I made during depression in an attempt to get better seem desperate and futile. I find myself asking this over and over: What do I do? I feel like I've destroyed and lost so much in this dark time. The funny thing is that if I had a chance to do this over, I would never do it. No way. The pain I went through is too much to be replayed. I seriously question if I will ever find happiness or love. Just thinking about it stings my eyes with tears.
This life is truly filled with sadness and it's unfair. I am dealing with it however I can but I honestly hate this world right now. It is unrelentingly cruel and unforgiving. The more pain there is, the more I fight and the more I fight, the more pain there is. I am truly unhappy and far from content. I resist all the suicidal thoughts that come to my mind. I feel spent. Whoever told me that it gets better seems like a liar. Truth be told, I've come close to resigning to the notion that things won't get better. I don't think there is a relationship waiting for me in the future. And who would want me? I am romantically unlovable and all my attempts in the past have failed miserably. The only way for me to keep my head up is by pretending that none of these problems exist. I will block it out because it is way too painful and it slows me down physically and mentally. Time and prayer is my only defense now
No comments:
Post a Comment