Changing And Looking Forward To A Better Tomorrow

       This weekend has been extremely rough and it's pushed me to the limit. The pain of casting someone important to you out of your life is great. I have been in agony over this decision but I know it's for the best. I have to move on. I can't stay and wonder what could have been. I came to a realization last night. One of my friends has helped me realize that I've been putting a want for a relationship before God. This is a form of idolatry. I will say that this will be extremely hard to overcome because it's one of my ultimate desires to have a meaningful relationship with a girl and eventually get a wife. I'm so scared of being alone. I must learn how to find happiness without having to depend on people. This eludes me as well and I believe that God is the only one who can teach me these things. I am forcing myself to put God first in my life and giving it all over to Him. Each time I complete this prayer, I start shaking and then I cry. It's so unbelievably hard. So many doubts gnaw at me but these doubts are of the flesh and must be suppressed. I am determined to make God first in my life. I can't really accomplish anything until this is done. The girl I love is a huge distraction and dangerous for me so I cast her aside so I can focus on God in my solitude. This will be an extremely challenging few weeks, seeing as I'm still in shock from blocking her out. I will overcome it though. I have to. I have so much to learn.