I can't help but wonder if depression could've been avoided if I never had feelings for her. But then again, How does one control their feelings? It's like they have a mind of their own. It's like an untamed beast. The only conclusion I can come to is that depression could've been avoided if I had never met her. But, I am glad I met her. I am glad we got close. It's tearing me apart inside how my feelings got in the way and nearly destroyed everything we once had. I say this again: I have never had such strong feelings for a girl in my whole life. I am very angry at myself. It feels like a part of me died and that I'm not whole. I feel like half a person. I hold in my feelings so I don't cry because I know that if I cry, I won't stop. This isn't the correct solution. The dam will break.
I miss her so much. My heart aches for her and yet I know that I cannot let her back into my life until I get my feelings under control. As well as my rage and jealousy. It burns me up that she chose someone else over me. I feel ugly, undesirable, and rejected. I do not know yet if she knows that I'm keeping my distance from her. If she asks me what's going on, then I'm telling her the whole truth. It's making me sick holding all of this in and it's what my therapist would want me to do. I may feel excruciating pain but I know that God sustains me. I won't give up. I will make things right. That is a promise.
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