I may need time alone to get my head straight about my feelings for my friend, but I want to make this crystal clear. I do NOT hate or dislike her. In fact, I have no intention of blocking her out forever. Not by a long shot. As soon as I can eliminate these romantic feelings, I intend to mend a lot of broken bridges. I must eliminate these feelings because I am convinced they serve no purpose other then to hurt and hinder me. She is a super important part of my life and she has been a positive influence. If it wasn't for her near the beginning of my depression, I would have forsaken everything I ever believed in. She is NOT the cause of my depression. She is merely a symptom and it is my fault. The true cause of my depression is loneliness and ambiguity about my future. She is in no way to blame for anything happening to me and I pray that she doesn't feel that anything is her fault. She has been one of the best friends I ever had and I will always treasure her advice, her compassion, and her company. I am working on sorting out my feelings for her and this is what I've come up with. I love her as a fellow christian, I love her as a friend, and I love her like a sister. I pray for her every day and I love her family as well. They have supported me unconditionally and I see them as part of my own family. I sometimes feel helpless because they have done so much for me that I'm willing to help them with anything but I don't know how. I care for them so much and I wish the best for all of them.
I've started to pray for all of my friends and family because depression has taught me how to love. Sure, I knew how to love before but I had trouble sympathizing with other people because I couldn't relate to their sorrows. I am ashamed of how I acted earlier in my depression and all my friends were trying to do was to help me. I will not give up on my friendship with the girl I went to front range with. She helped me learn that to give up is a form of cowardice. These feelings I have, they will be tamed. I am praying so hard for them to get under control because truthfully, I don't know how to deal with them. My way of dealing with strong feelings is to either block it out, or cut off contact with the person. I am still on the fence whether I made the right decision or not. I know she cares about me and loves me as a friend. When she told me this, I broke into tears and I honestly didn't know how to respond. My mind has been marred with so many irrational thoughts such as that she stopped caring or that nobody else really cares. When she told me those words, it made me all the more determined to get better. Just knowing she cares about me is a comfort and I will not forsake our friendship. I have to get better. I feel like I owe her. Not just her, but her family and everyone who has supported me. This isn't just about me. That's why suicide is ultimately so selfish. I feel like the only thing of value that I can offer to everyone who has supported me is my unconditional support for whenever they go through troubles. I feel that another reason God is allowing this to happen to me is so I can gain perspective on suffering and to give me a servant's heart. I just have this inexplicable desire to help people and this is a feeling I never had before my depression. When will I be able to get past these feelings I have for her? I don't know. I must be having them for a reason. I do not believe in coincidence. All I know right now is that I ache and long to be past this. I want our friendship to be the way it was before my depression. I must work on other areas of my life too. I believe God may be using my depression to teach me and emotionally prepare me for a relationship. That is why I must overcome these feelings. I'm sure most of you know that it is highly inadvisable to carry baggage into a relationship.
In conclusion, I will not stop fighting and if her or any of her family is reading this, I want to say thank you and you all will be in my heart always. Words typed on this page cannot express the love and gratitude I feel for all of you. She will not be out of my life forever. That's a promise. It wasn't fair to me and it wasn't fair for her for me to continue having these feelings. I mean, I don't know what else to say. Once these feelings are resolved, I do know this: I will never stop caring for her and everyone else who has supported me.
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