New Perspective

     Depression has been through the roof this past month. I thought the cause was loneliness but a friend of mine helped me realize that it's just a side affect of depression. Maybe I don't know the cause. Maybe God doesn't need me to know. I just have to have faith and endure. If that's the case, then I will happily endure. Depression's always made me feel so helpless because I felt like it's prevented me from doing so many things. I think it's time to move on with my life and learn to cope with it as I move forward. I'm not going to let depression prevent me from achieving what I want out of life and I definitely refuse to let it hinder my relationship with Jesus. If anything, I believe he's using depression for my own good and I will learn everything He wants me to learn. Oh yes, I'm sure there will be times when sadness is so great that it brings me to my knees but that's when Jesus communicates the loudest.
     Over the past 2 years, I have learned what coping mechanisms are the most effective for me. I find that going to church, socializing, and strengthening my faith is the strongest coping mechanism I have. I've been expanding my social circle and stepping out of my comfort zone. I've made a time to go to coffee and enjoy getting to know a new friend which I am quite looking forward to. I am so thankful for Jesus and everything in my life

Medicine

   In my experience, emotional pain is a lot worse than physical pain because you at least can treat most physical pain with medicine or anesthetics. You can't do that with emotional pain. Your choices are to do your best to keep busy and to fight it with sheer willpower. The pain is suffocating and paralyzing at times. It also induces panic attacks and breakdowns. Emotional pain is an inevitable part of clinical depression and past suicidal thoughts/tendencies. The pain is so severe that it distorts my thinking a lot of the time. It forces me to turn to God because it renders all my other options either irrelevant or ineffective. I consider this a good thing because I have a tendency to stray away from the Lord. I see this depression as His way of getting me to run back into His arms. It's made it easy for me to identify where I am extremely stubborn and where I am sinful. It has made me realize that I can't possibly handle all this on my own. For most of my life, I've always handled my emotional issues and kept them to myself. Even traumatic experiences. I hate opening up my emotional side because it makes me feel exposed and weak.
      Lately, depression has been spiking super high. The loneliness is so intense that it's quite hard for me to describe. It makes me feel that I am nothing but an observer. A spectator. I can usually keep these feelings buried but an event triggered them. Last week I was at a party with my coworkers and even though there was much laughter and fun, the first thing I noticed is that all of my coworkers had someone with them. Someone close to them. Either a boyfriend/girlfriend, a fiancee or a spouse. I got real serious and quiet that night. It made me feel like a third wheel and it felt like someone had stabbed me in the chest. I still feel that way now. I can't stop the shaking and the tears. I can't see any hope in my future at all. I want things to happen while I'm young. This pain is unbearable. Even when someone casually slips in their boyfriend/girlfriend into a conversation it still sets me off. I just don't know what to do anymore I am just surrounded by pain. I just want to shut everything out. I need some hope

Paths

     People take many paths to happiness. Or at least, what they believe will make them happy. Everyone's actions are influenced by their desire for happiness. And that's not always a bad thing. Everyone wants to be happy. However, true happiness is not so easily attained. Everyone sins while searching for true happiness. Part of the reason why people sin is because they believe the action they are about to commit will in some way make them happy. Everyone has sinned and everyone will sin in the future.
      In my experience, I found that attempting to find eternal or even temporary happiness in people or things other than Christ only lead to heartbreak, disappointment, and disillusionment. I still struggle to understand how I could possibly be satisfied solely with Christ. I do not believe my depression will end until I learn what God wants me to learn. It's definitely a journey. It has it's 'aha!' moments and it's frustrations. Plenty of tears along the way as well. I still strongly feel the pain of loneliness and I have an extreme desire for a female companion but I haven't been able to move forward at all. I try to block it out because it's the strongest part of my depression and has repeatedly led me to despair and suicidal thoughts. My goal is Christ but I have often veered from that path. I am lucky that He will always welcome me back with open arms. I feel safe when I am near Him. I guess what really baffles me is how can He be all that I need when he isn't physically there with me? I'm an affectionate person and I desire a physical presence. It's extremely frustrating. There are days when I feel so lonely that it becomes hard to breathe and I often burst into tears. I feel lonely even when I'm surrounded by friends because I know that they have someone. It's an issue I've never been able to resolve. The only choice for me is to keep moving forward and see what God has in store for me

Clinging To Christ

      I can say with confidence that without Christ, I would not be alive today to write this post. It is so easy to take a look at the world and get discouraged. Wickedness is everywhere and the pressures within our culture alone are staggering. Our culture always tells us to get the best car, the best woman/man, the best house, the best life. That's just one example of how stressful it can be when this is constantly on your mind. If I was able to re-define the American Dream, I would say that living freely in Christ is the real American dream. So many people are ensnared by the ideology that things, possessions, and people will make you happy. It's only partly true. These things will satisfy you for a time but you will tire of it and you will hunger for more. You will always be fulfilled when seeking Christ because it is the ultimate answer to life. There is always more to learn and there will always be people who are spiritually starving. Don't just preach the change; BE the change. People need to see the change in you and your actions. Actions speak louder than words.
      Depression is by far the most challenging enemy I've ever had to face because it has made me question everything about me and around me. It has shaken me to the core. Depression makes you battle yourself and it can even turn into a fight for your life. For me, it's almost like there's two people inside of me. One is my sinful and negative human nature and the other person is who Christ wants me to be. I battle with thoughts every day such as 'You will never feel fulfilled or happy in this life.' Now at this point I have 2 choices. I can either feed this negative thought or starve it.If I feed it, thoughts become feelings and those feelings constantly drain my willpower and happiness until I am forced into action. Or I can ignore it and tell myself the opposite. 'You don't know that. Only God knows your future and He wants what is best for you.' So I keep pushing forward however painful it may be. If I don't push forward, I can easily be threatened with my past memories and thoughts of suicide. Those will never escape my mind but I'm okay with that because it serves as a reminder as to what I've been through. If I keep clinging to Christ and keep my focus on Him, then I am unstoppable.

Sadness

     Depression has been pressing on my head like a helmet that's too tight. I feel so sad and hopeless. I constantly want to break down into tears because I hurt so much. Loneliness won't leave me. I always feel like a third wheel even when I hang out with friends because I know they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. That's what kills me. Being alone. My heart constantly aches and groans and I'm sick of fighting. I don't know what to do anymore. It just hurts so much. Happiness has eluded me for years. I don't believe in happiness anymore. I'm so used to feeling this way that I feel as if there's no other way I can feel

Abortion

     This is a hot button issue for many people. I would like to share my stance on the topic. I'm just going to go ahead and jump right into it. I am against abortion. However, I am not blind to the issue. I have studied it and I realize their are many moral issues surrounding this. Now many people who are for abortion are quite concerned with women's rights. I share their concerns. However, nobody should have the power to decide whether another person lives or dies; especially if that person is unable to defend or speak for themselves. If men were the ones who gave birth, I would say the exact same thing. This has nothing to do with being sexist. No man or woman should ever have the power to decide whether someone lives or dies. I am all for women's rights and true, it is their body but nobody gets to decide if the baby lives or dies. The baby is innocent. It's just the way it goes. If you don't want the baby, then give it up for adoption.
    Now what if the woman was raped? I sympathize with any women who had to go through such an atrocity. The rapist should definitely be brought to justice but again, you have to start thinking that the baby is an innocent as well. Doesn't the baby deserve to live?
     If you support abortion then let me ask you this. What if you were aborted or what if your mother considered abortion? The baby isn't a thing. It's a human being and that is the most precious thing on earth. I have a few friends who went through with an abortion and they told me that it was the most emotionally traumatic thing that they ever went through. You can tell yourself that it's your right but you are completely disregarding the life of the baby. That is a fact. I am not saying this to try to suppress your rights. I am trying to get you to look at all the ramifications. Women definitely go through some unique challenges. Like many of the decisions we make, they don't just affect us. I have respect for women everywhere for just enduring. I especially have tremendous respect for mothers. There is no love like a mother's love. I believe mothers definitely have a unique perspective on this issue. If you wish to talk to me about this then feel free to do so. I will respect your views. I only ask that you respect mine
    

Today

     Depression's been constant for 4 days now. It feels as if happiness and enthusiasm is slowly leaving my body. It really is quite draining. I guess in hindsight I haven't been fighting depression as much as I have been suppressing it. I am really afraid to confront the last part of my depression because it is very painful and I don't know how to cope or deal with it.
    I feel like I have made significant progress and I am slowly coming to terms with my anger and hurt. It may have taken more than a decade to see this issue finally progress but at least it's slowly moving past me. My energy is focused on just making it through each week. It still takes a lot of effort for me to get up out of bed. I have to keep moving forward. I have been very silent concerning the deep areas of my depression. I don't speak much about it anymore because I feel that if I told people how I really felt, then I would be thrown in a crazy house and people would leave me. I don't think people need or want to hear about my issues so I keep them to myself. I don't really know any other way. It's just how I am and How I've lived most of my life. I'm just trying to push through life, really. I just keep my head down and push through. I do take brief moments to look up and look around but I just see and feel pain all around me. I've even had an especially hard time reconnecting with God. I feel so guilty and filthy all the time and I just feel too scared to talk to Him. I've been having a hard time trusting Him because I've been severely hurt every time I try to resolve the core of my depression. It's really been a trial of patience and endurance. As long as I'm in the game, I haven't lost so I'll keep on fighting

Night

     It's been a long time since I've felt this sad. I feel like there's no future or no hope. Everything is just dark and grim. I've never been with anyone and that humiliates me more than anything. I'm just embarrassed to even be myself. I just feel so pathetic. I've had it with being alone. I'm sick of it and something better change soon. It's not like I've been sitting on my hands waiting for something to happen. I've been out there. Seeking a mate for myself but everyone appears to be uninterested or taken. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. It all feels like a terrible nightmare

Preventing Suicide

     What drives people to commit suicide? Well first off, suicide is considered when one has lost all hope. When I was back in high school and learning about depression in class I remember asking myself, 'How could someone even consider such a thing? How can someone lose all hope?' Today, I understand this more than ever before. The answer is simple really, and there can be many factors. Depression is obviously the leading cause of suicide. Usually a series of disastrous events in one's life leads them to this critical point. It's still quite difficult for me to talk about the reasons for my suicide attempts. Again, there were several factors. Not long after I graduated, I started feeling intense loneliness. The most accurate way I can describe it is like looking down into a deep black and bottomless pit. I felt cold and I shuddered at the thought. As a result, I started to depend heavily on my closest friends. I have a tendency to make more girl friends than guy friends. I learned the reason for this not too long ago. My psychologist said it's because I'm closest and most comfortable around my mom. Many people are like that. Anyway, one of my closest friends was a girl and I grew frightened at the thought of losing her. Long story short, I grew irrational and paranoid and I didn't realize I was in deep depression until it was nearly too late. One day, I found myself in the emergency room underweight and dehydrated. I cut on my arms until they were bloody. I wanted to hurt myself. I liked the pain for some reason. Tears were streaming down my face because I felt like I was such a mess and I had no intimacy in my life. I wanted to die. When I looked at my future, I saw a black coffin. I saw no hope and all I saw was my death. Another factor leading to my depression is instability. I had no idea what to do with myself after college so I slowly fell apart. How did I prevent my suicide? I can promise you that it was impossible for me to do it alone. I had and still have an overwhelming amount of support from friends and family. Being a pessimist is no longer an option. It's hard work with all the constant negative thoughts but I have to fight if I am to hold my ground. I refuse to go down that road again. It shook me to my very core. My friend and family gave me reason to live and I had a renewed faith in Christ. He is the only thing that is eternal. Everything was stripped from me. I wasn't able to depend on anything. Especially myself. Jesus carried me and I would be dead for 2 years had it not been for Him.
       So how can friends and family help prevent a loved one from committing suicide? First of all, don't take anything they say that hints of death for granted. Casually ask, 'Are you planning to hurt yourself?' Depressed individuals usually cave in because their feelings build up for so long that they just want to talk. They want help. Suicidal individuals see death as their only option of escape. Always be on watch for signs. Anything from change in behavior and habits to their daily routine. If an individual is determined to end their life, they may not divulge any sort of clue. Sadly, we cannot prevent this kind of thing all the time. When talking to a suicidal individual, be loving but firm. Don't just brush them off and direct them to a psychologist. Go with them. Show them that you care. Listen to their plight. I, for example, was very scared of telling anyone because I thought I would be shipped off to the looney bin and I thought no one wanted to hear about my issues. I was so scared of being left alone. I still am. But these are just a few ways to help you prevent the death of a person close to you. Suicide is hard for a lot of people comprehend, much less understand. I hope this gives you a glimpse into how to deal with it if it ever comes into your life.
       

Issues Within Society And Culture Part 1

     All of us have a world view. My world view is definitely shaped by my faith. As such, I have seen many things within our culture and society that I find disturbing and morally compromising. I will share a few of those issues today and more over time.
      I believe the American Dream has become tainted. True, all men pursue happiness, but at what cost? It really depends on what we pursue to fulfill our happiness. Many people pursue college and career as a way to fulfill happiness. It may satisfy you for a time, but it will not last because it is not eternal. What I am trying to say is if we pursue things in this world as a way to fulfill our happiness, then we will not find true happiness because it will pass away. Christ is the only way to true fulfillment. I admit that I struggle with this every day. I seek a companion to make me happy but I know in my heart that she can't fulfill my every need and want so I get frustrated and upset. It's really all I desire from this world to tell the truth. But enough of that. A solution to this is to sink ourselves into His word and all other things will follow.
    Another thing that is often overlooked in our culture is circumcision. I am a staunch enemy of this procedure. I will be completely honest and say that I hold nothing but hatred and disdain for this procedure. It is a grave injustice that males have no choice upon deciding their genital integrity when entering this world. I have researched this for have my life because it is a hot button issue for me and despite the medical benefits, it doesn't justify subjecting an infant who is days old to this procedure. It's not even integral to the male's health. It affects them for the rest of their life to some degree whether you are willing to admit it or not. I would only consent to this procedure if it was an immediate threat to the child's well being. I strongly believe it is up to the individual and no other person has the right to make such a personal and intimate decision for a male. Many Christians seem to be under the impression that since it's in the bible, then it must be done and it must be good. Keep in mind that the bible makes very clear that circumcision is NOT required of gentiles and has no bearing on their salvation. Salvation is through grace alone and not by hands of man.
      Political correctness is something else that is nothing but a poison to our society. It's intentions may be good but it weakens our morality and compromises our integrity as a nation. All too often have we been afraid of offending others. Something we must learn is that if there is a course of action we must take, then we mustn't worry about hurting another's feelings. There will always be someone who's offended no matter what we do. Do what is right and good in God's eyes. I of course recognize that throughout time, many people of different races and cultures have been subjected to injustices and horrors that white men have inflicted upon them. I am white. I believe what our ancestors have done to these different cultures is wrong and yes, we must make sure that we do not make the same mistake but we mustn't blame ourselves for something our forefathers did. It is within our power to change that. All men are indeed created under God and equal. Political Correctness is nothing more than excessive and unnecessary politeness.
     Well there you have it. I hope you enjoyed learning more about what I believe and I hope it makes you think about what you believe. I do not write this so that you may agree with me, but I write it to point out that there are many views to an issue. Thank you for reading! 
     

Crestfallen

     Depression is like a darkness that won't stop advancing until it has consumed you completely. I often struggle holding onto hope. Rage often flares up over a past hurt. It drains all my energy and I don't know how to let go. I honestly don't see how I can let this pass. And yet I know it is like an anchor that drowns me.
      I hide everything I feel and fear because I have an extremely hard time trusting people. I feel that if I truly aired out everything I felt, I would be thrown in a psych ward. Depression truly is the hardest thing I have ever fought. I feel depressed even when good things happen to me, because I am so used to feeling this way. I often feel guilty for the way I feel because it seems like a christian should never have these kind of thoughts. I just feel so utterly lonely and in despair. I see people younger than me getting married and being happy and it eats me alive. Depression is psychological and emotional torture. Depression is a darkness that presses in all around me and suffocates me. It pushes hope and words out of me. It bleeds and pierces so deep into my being that it leaves me speechless and in tears

This Side Of Heaven

      Confidence is virtually nonexistent during depression. I remember always beating myself down whenever I tried to believe in myself or think positive. I still do that a lot. In depression, negativity has a pretty big advantage over positivity. However, the reality is that there is always something to give thanks for in your life. I for example am finding out my gifts and strengths which God has blessed me with. When I make a friendship, the bond is super strong and they become very important to me in my life. I have more close friends than I have friends, if that makes sense.
     When you put your trust in Christ, even your pains and trials become blessings. For me, it gives me confidence and strength to endure through the sharp pains of depression. Does that mean there aren't tears? Definitely not. It just means that there's a light at the end of the tunnel and that I don't suffer in vain. I grow stronger each day. I don't think that I'll truly know how God uses depression in my life this side of heaven. Yes, I have gained a lot of insight on how God has used it to my benefit but I won't know everything.
      I am currently learning how to give up my dreams to the Lord because it has caused me nonstop pain for most of my life. I withhold them from God because I am afraid that He'll just throw them to the side and they won't come true. That scares me to death. I know the desire of my heart. It's okay to have desires but not when it gets to the point where you put it above God. That is my sin and also my trial. I try to remind myself that life is short but then I start to think, 'exactly. Get a wife while you're young.' It's always been my dream to marry young. I am fully aware that there are steps but I'm so frustrated and angry because no matter what I do, I can't even get to the first step. I've never been able to. All I can think is that my love life is barren and nonexistent. Everything I've done has failed and it drives me to tears. Loneliness is an issue I can't seem to solve. I have absolutely no words when it comes to finding a solution. It has become the driving force behind my depression and what frustrates me is that it's a concept. I can't solve it physically with my own two hands you know?
      Forgiveness is another thing that hasn't come easy for me. Bitterness eats away at me daily. The event crosses my mind every day and I try not to dwell on it because it actually raises my blood pressure. It makes me angry and emotionally drains me. I don't have an answer for that either except to keep reading psalms. It's better than nothing. Both of these issues require a tremendous amount of patience and I think it's part of what God is teaching me. For His sake, I will endure. This is the closest we ever get to hell as Christians on this side of heaven.

Endurance And The Danger Of Negative Thoughts

      When I'm busy or working, depression doesn't impede me physically. Sometimes I'll go into a sort of stupor and it'll feel like my surroundings don't exist. Pain enters my mind and my heart rate rises. Anger over what has been done in the past will make me grip tightly whatever is in my hand at that moment. When I snap back to reality, I have to take a deep breath to calm down. Then I despair. I start to wonder when my life will actually move forward. When will I get married? Will I even get married while I'm still young? That's the most painful question I ask myself. It's extremely painful for me to see so many young people I knew in high school to be married and already having children. It immediately causes extreme anger and I think, 'this isn't the life I wanted. I was supposed to be married 3 years ago. The one thing I truly desire in life is a dead and crushed dream.' I don't allow myself to hope because I have no luck or experience whatsoever in this area of my life. It's a barren desert and it fills me with pain, shame and embarrassment. If I allow it to overtake me, It could once again lead me down the path to suicide. I never want to trod that road again. It's dark, cold, and lonely and it sucks away any happiness and hope I feel. It's dangerously persuasive.
       It is so easy to underestimate the power of negative thoughts. You can have them even if you aren't depressed. However, depression gives negative thoughts an unimaginable amount of power. Your strength and will to fight back is sapped thanks to depression and your negative thoughts are always ready for a counter argument for your positive thoughts. I remember the days when negative thoughts ruled my mind. Saying positive things to myself felt so useless that they felt robotic, alien. It felt like false hope. I don't fight the battle anymore. That doesn't mean I've given up, however. It just means that I lock both positive and negative thoughts deep within my mind. If I think either way then I will have resistance so I try to keep my mind conflict and thought-free believe it or not. I usually end up feeling like a zombie because of this though. I learned that that's a common attribute of depression so I was just relieved that I'm not insane haha.
     Negative thoughts can talk you into really irrational ways of thinking. It puts your mind in a fog and compromises your judgment. The way you must start to see depression is God's boot camp for life. He's preparing you for the future and he's shaping and molding you like clay. Even if I'm depressed for many more years, I take solace in the truth that I will never stop growing stronger while I am in the midst of depression. It takes endurance to get through depression. Suicide doesn't make me weak. It makes me strong because I've survived and overcome it. That is fuel and motivation I can use to make it through anything else life throws my way.

What Fuels Depression?

    So what does fuel depression? It greatly varies from person to person. Other things may come up as a result of depression. A lot of times, pinpointing your own personal issues can be hard because there are layers upon layers of complicated feelings and emotions. Something as simple as the loss of a job can serve for fueling depression. Or it can be something extremely personal from your past. A past event of my life is one of the big things that keeps fueling my depression. It has caused extreme emotional trauma and anger. I realize that my anger has been warped into hatred. I hold an extreme and personal hatred for something that our culture is responsible for. I will not state specifically what it is on here because it's too personal and difficult for me. If you are curious then you may message me. It's been hounding me for eleven years and I pray to God for peace but I have found none. It makes me extremely anxious and uncomfortable when the subject comes up. As a result, I have formed a deep mistrust of those responsible. It is physically and emotionally draining. It's as if my mind is hooked on it. I hate thinking about it but I can't escape it. It disgusts me. I am actively working on resolving this so I can find peace. My mind has been in endless turmoil for eleven years.
    Loneliness is another big thing that fuels my depression. I have attempted to end my life multiple times in the past because of it. I try not to think about it because it brings me to my knees and I know that Satan can easily use this against me. My mindset has been something like this for a very long time: 'I would rather die than be single'. I don't have an answer for this statement so I bury it deep within my subconscious. I gave up hope in this area early this year. I let hope die because nothing has happened to indicate that I do have hope. I have stopped looking for a possible mate because I no longer believe there is anyone for me. I'm just speechless when it comes to this area of my life. It's barren and dead and that has a huge affect on my outlook on life. I often avoid dissecting this area of my life because I am afraid what I will find but I must let it out because if I hold it in, then it will make me sick. It's an absence of intimacy and it feels like.... It's hard to describe. Just a deadness in my heart. I simply haven't been able to find happiness. Sure there's occasional satisfaction but in my mind, I know it will not last. I have no further words 

Motivations Of The Heart

       Motivations of the heart. It's a concept we understand and yet many of us don't know the motivations inside our own hearts. It is quite difficult to pinpoint due to the fact that many of us have a hard time searching our hearts. It can be done, however. I asked myself a series of simple questions. What do you want out of life? Are you hopeless? Do you question God's forgiveness? The list goes on. I answered these questions with painfully honest responses. There is no doubt in my mind that I am a sinner and I am very selfish. Even if I don't project it outwards. However, I am very thankful that the Lord has revealed these things to me. It reaffirms to me that I am saved and God does care. I had tried to search my heart before but it was without the help of scripture. It was on my own discretion. I don't feel bad or ashamed at all for revealing this because as you are reading this, I can guarantee that you have sin in your life. It's up to you to pinpoint it and resolve it. I am going to take action and do my best to remove these thorns. They hurt and cause me severe emotional pain.
    In my mind, I often jump to conclusions too quickly. I try to predetermine how a person will react if I said something to them. If it turns out bad in my mind, then I keep it to myself. The plain truth is, I cannot predict how one will react until I play out the actual scenario in reality. I could have saved myself a lot of pain if I had just taken risks. Sure, I took risks in the past. But that was while I was depressed and my attempts to get a girlfriend have been rather clumsy. I currently am speechless from pain when I confront that subject. My hope has been dashed against the rocks repeatedly so I decided to kill it. I am scared to hope. It has paralyzed me. This root of depression pierces so deep that I have created an emotional wall around it to protect myself from pain. I have tried to uproot it in the past but the pain becomes so severe that my heart pounds and I burst into tears, unable to breathe. I have often hesitated to share this with anybody because it is a source of deep shame, pain, and embarrassment for me. When somebody tells me, 'All you need is Christ', I know that is true in my heart of hearts but my flesh denies it adamantly. It's my greatest struggle. The good thing is that I have more insight into my own sins. Do you have the courage to examine your own heart? 

Why Is There Suffering? Is God There During Pain?

         When we get depressed, we always question the reason for our suffering. We ask age-old questions such as 'Is there a God? Why is this happening to me?' I actually resisted asking questions about God's existence. Mine were centered more around, 'How long must I endure this? Why me?' I still struggle with these questions at times but I am somewhat relieved when I remember what the bible says about suffering. We are commanded to rejoice when affliction come upon us because this means that God is testing us and shaping us to become more like Him! Now, for those of you still suffering, you may scoff at this statement but do not take it lightly. People yearn for a cause for their suffering. Many people see suffering as needless and cruel. It may seem cruel to our human point of view but God knows what He's doing. He has not forgotten about you. Jesus is referred as a 'man of sorrows' He suffered things many of us can only imagine. Severe pain unto death, betrayal, persecution, isolation for 40 days, temptation, loneliness. Those are but a few examples. I can't imagine suffering that much but it is a comfort to know that Jesus knows what I am going through. It's hard to be positive when you are filled with so much sadness and heartbreak. Just know that God is in control and He is fully capable of turning suffering and tragedies into something wonderful. I f we had no trials, then we wouldn't grow and we'd be without hope. Suffering is present for many reasons, We live in a fallen world but God is at work daily.
        I have often tried to pinpoint the reasons/causes for my depression. I came up with more byproducts than reasons. Depression slowly tightened it's grip on me over time. I would say that loneliness and lack of intimacy with others and God are the top causes of my depression. I must confess that there are things that perplex me. As I deal with depression, I find more and more hurt and conflict bubbling up from my past. I have many spiritual conflicts within myself. It is safe to say that I am in the grip of resentment and bitterness. I have been extremely stubborn and unforgiving. I acknowledge my sins and I endeavor to resolve these conflicts. A past event in my life has cut me so deep that I have had emotional and psychological problems for more than half of my life. That is the root of my unforgiveness. I have buried it for too long. It is clear to me that God wants this resolved. I've often prayed why this ever happened to me because it was so personal and it shattered my heart and my self confidence as well as how I see myself. I have to have faith in the lord and I do have hope. One day, I will get a new body. One that is holy and free from the clutches of sin and sorrow. Until that day comes, I will accept whatever trials the lord puts me through. It just means that he loves me and has special plans for me.
      More and more, I feel fulfilled by helping others who are suffering. Sharing the gospel to the broken is awesome. It gives people hope; a true and tangible hope.God is definitely there during times of suffering. God speaks loudest when our suffering is at it's greatest. You must push past the pain and be willing to listen. Passivity is something you cannot afford when it comes to your soul. Jesus urges immediate action when it comes to conflicts. I have failed many times in heeding his advice and I have paid dearly. The costs include bitterness, envy, anger..... and those are just the emotional consequences. Suffering can be a result of sin. Is it always sin? I think not. If you look in the book of Job, it says that God allowed Satan to cause great suffering for Job. Pinpointing Satan as responsible for suffering is very tricky business. I believe God only put that in His word to show us that Satan is very real and he constantly tries to bring us down. We may learn some reasons for our suffering but God often doesn't reveal everything to us. I look forward to asking Him when I get to heaven. Train yourself to rejoice and praise God during trials and tribulation. It's his way of teaching us to become more like Him. You have two choices: You can either learn from your pain or you can succumb to it. What will you choose?

The State Of Things

      It has been quite a roller coaster this past month. The days leading up to my birthday were not very pleasant at all. My mood took a nose dive and I even had some suicidal thoughts. I often get depressed on holidays because it intensifies my feelings of loneliness. However, when my birthday came, I did have quite a good time. As you get older, you start to appreciate the people in your life more than your gifts.
     After my birthday, depression came back. It hits me with feelings of loneliness, anger, resentment, despair, and heartache. Even worse, I have begun to notice that the roots of my depression have begun to interfere greatly with my relationship with God. Forgiveness hasn't come easy for me. More than ever, I am confused. I start to ask myself, 'am I actually forgiving? Am I doing this right?'. I also have great difficulty with placing my trust in God. Meaning that I've been having trouble trusting Him to take care of things. My desire for a girlfriend is so intense that I shake and burst into tears whenever I think about it so I bury it. I don't want to wait ten years. I am extremely impatient and frustrated. I have also been questioning if I am truly saved or not. Being unsure about my faith scares me to death. I have spent numerous evenings in self reflection. I do acknowledge that I am a sinner. I definitely need a savior and that is Jesus Christ. I guess what frustrates me is when I fall short of my standards and sin. I am really hard on myself when I screw up and I always feel a crushing guilt. I know God will forgive me but I have this idea in my head that He's just disappointed with me. I do try to follow His commandments. Maybe my flaw is following His rules rather than following Him. I have sought out counsel from my pastor. He is truly a blessing because I look up to him as a spiritual mentor. I really have to focus on Christ. I am going to trust Him to do the rest. God knows I'll slip up. I'm human. It's no surprise to Him. I forget that often. I have really cracked down and started focusing on Christ by reading the bible each night, attending church and doing a bible study with my youth pastor. I find it quite enlightening and refreshing to be in God's word. I need to focus on uprooting the roots of my depression. They stubbornly dig deeper. I will never stop fighting

Lost

     Things have been so dark. Every time a special occasion comes around, I have been unable to enjoy it due to the intense feelings of loneliness and hopelessness. Even my own birthday has brought me intense hurt and sadness. It brings of visions and memories of being lonely. Memories of when I had plans to end my life on my birthday last year. I find it so hard to focus on God because I have a super hard time trusting in Him. I worry that the plans He has for my life don't include a wife. That is a thought I cannot bear and it is the reason and the cause for suicidal thoughts. My mind is so heavy with negative thoughts, intense sorrow, and pain. I see so many people around me getting married and it increases my sense of isolation. I can't think straight without great effort. I suppress these fears and sorrows so that I can function daily but it keeps coming back. If it doesn't come to my conscious mind then it plagues me with nightmares each and every night. I don't often talk about this because it hurts so bad that it's become a direct path to deep depression. I hide behind a mask I present to the world and pretend daily that everything's okay. It's not.
       I judge and criticize myself a lot. It makes me feel guilty but I feel that I deserve it. Every time I stumble in path toward God, I berate myself for it. Even over little things. I fear this may be a side effect of depression. I have never had depression that has lasted this long. It doesn't really frighten me because I've become accustomed to it. Yet, my emotional reserves become immediately drained when depression attacks. I am at a point where I surrender. I need God and I can't do this on my own. I am in constant turmoil and I am lost in darkness. I want peace. Real peace and I want to move forward with life.

Hope In The Depths Of Depression

      I had always seen my suicide attempts as a mark of shame. I felt that people all around me looked down on me because of it. I always had the sense that Christians shouldn't feel like this. They shouldn't attempt to take their lives. Suicide is a very controversial subject. I didn't attempt it because I was angry at God or anything like that. Those moments are the darkest moments of my life and I can clearly recall how I felt. It was as if I lost my reason for living. I saw no hope for the future and I saw my greatest hopes and desires shattered before me. It was as if every good thing and every happy thought had left my body and deserted me.  I felt that a dark veil had been pulled over my eyes and what I saw scared me to death. I felt like I was frozen in place while everyone had forsaken me, laughing and moving on with their lives. Silence. The silence was deafening. The gnawing pain of loneliness prevented me from having any clear, lucid thoughts. That to me was the death of hope.
        It is now more than a year and a half into depression, I feel better equipped and God has used this trying time to allow me to mature spiritually and emotionally. I must admit, had I not gone through depression, I would be a very different person and my faith would have slowly died out. Sometimes God withholds blessings and allows pain into our lives. He doesn't do this to be cruel. He does it so we will run to Him and depend on Him. He does this so that we learn to love Him more than His blessings. Jesus is the one clear and tangible hope that I have been able to hang onto. I know that depression won't be forever. True, I have no way of knowing when or if depression will be over soon. Our lives are so short and it won't matter once we pass from this world. All bad things will pass away. While I live, I will continue to use every opportunity the Lord gives me to reach out to others and tell them about Christ. I am finding more and more that I am able to help people who are hurting because I am acquainted with sorrow and I can relate to some degree what they're going through.
       When I think of depression, I think of William Cowper. A christian poet and hymnodist. He lived in the 1700s and he suffered depression for most of his life. He also had multiple suicide attempts. He suffered much more than I ever have and He still kept his eyes on God. I can relate to him because he had a few close friends whom he poured his heart out to. For him, things were always brighter when they were around. That's how I feel about my friends as well. A person who attempts suicide is a person who is broken. A person who has lost hope and has their mind filled with darkness and despair. It's left it's mark on me physically and emotionally. Yet, God has turned these horrible events into something that ultimately reshaped my views on life and let my relationship with God flourish a hundredfold.
     The fight is not over. I have the root of my sadness which has been weighing me down for years. I keep it buried because it brings unimaginable pain and sorrow when I think about it. Lately, I have been trying to hide from God and my responsibilities. I often drown out the silence with media such as television and music. I have been so angry at myself because I keep stumbling. I had been too ashamed to ask God for His help because I had been feeling like I don't even deserve to be looked upon. But refusing to accept God's forgiveness is a form of pride and self pity. I just look at what the bible has to say and I think, 'God already knew I would do this. It really isn't possible to surprise or disappoint him.' I confess and ask for His forgiveness. We just gotta pick ourselves up and keep walking. Keep focusing on the Lord.
      

Hope For The Hurting

       Pain and suffering are unavoidable in this life. The good thing is that God uses these terrible things for our own good. He uses it as an opportunity to shape and strengthen us. If He did not, then we would be weak and unprepared for what life throws our way. People find ways to escape their suffering and circumstances all too often. Why wouldn't they try to escape their pain? It's in our nature to want to run away from anything that would cause us to become uncomfortable. I am definitely guilty of fleeing from trials and suffering. I have thought about and attempted suicide on numerous occasions in my past. Pain can easily overwhelm us if we let it. I am not capable of putting in to words of how hopeless and alone I have felt. The bible tells us to rejoice in our suffering. Most people would scoff at this statement because it goes against our nature as human beings. Yet, by obeying this command I have managed to make it through my worst days and nights. Yes, the pain can be overwhelming but when you have someone like Jesus to comfort you, you have hope. Suffering is not forever. This life is but a short prelude to eternity. You can still find hope in this life if you truly seek it.Cast all your cares and worries at the feet of God and take one day at a time. Do not worry about tomorrow. God already knows what's going to happen and He will not give you more than you can handle. Now, all this is easier said than done. It takes a lot of training, faith, and prayer. I am still learning this myself and there are things that I still need help with.
     You cannot escape suffering and heartbreak in this life but Jesus makes it bearable. He can carry you through those times of extreme hurt and sorrow. In His mercy, He also provides us with practical resources. Talk to people you trust. Never hold your pain inside you. It will eat you alive. Help other people too. This is a great coping mechanism because you will be too focused on others to worry about your pain. Some of us carry wounds unnecessarily for months. Even years. I am guilty of this as well. Pain like this can weigh heavily on a person and even paralyze their spiritual growth. It will hurt a lot but you must take the offensive and resolve whatever it is that may weigh heavily on you. It will come sooner or later. Pray about it and God will give you an answer.
      Dealing with suffering takes an immense amount of willpower but it makes us stronger when we overcome those trials. There is no hurt that Jesus doesn't understand. He is acquainted with sorrows and took all our sins upon Him as He died on the cross. However, you must make the choice if you want to be healed. You must take the initiative. God won't make us do anything against our will. It may be hard but believe me, it is worth it!

Living With Fear

      I have not known peace or joy for a very long time. My mind is constantly under siege from great fears to negative thoughts. Fighting back has become quite difficult. My greatest fear has turned into a terror and I break out into cold sweats at the thought of being alone. I go into a zone where I see nothing and hear nothing but that gnawing terror of being alone. I block it out for as long as I can each day because I have no means to combat such a monster and it consumes me when I look at it straight in the face. I am very scared. I am not free. This is the core of my depression and yet I am so scared of it and I can't bear to dwell on it because it's what led me to attempt suicide as many times as I did in the past. It has been the motive for every single suicidal thought I've ever had. It hurts a lot. The pain I feel is indescribable when I am alone with my thoughts. I have trouble breathing and and I cry. A lot.
      Ever since I was little, I assumed that one day I would get a girlfriend, get engaged, and then get married. As I became a teenager, this grew into a hope. A dream. When high school came around and I was still alone, I began to question my self-worth. That is when my hope turned into a fear that I would always be alone. When I graduated, my fear became a terror, a nightmare. It's worse than it's ever been today. I have no hope, no shelter but Jesus. When you do everything that is within your power to achieve your dream and you fail, you lose your purpose and hope. It crushed me and broke my heart. I don't smile anymore. Smiles have been replaced by fear and tears. I feel that I have nothing tangible to hope for and hold onto in this world so I have been forced to depend on God. He has provided but I still feel empty and broken, as if everything that made me happy and hopeful has been cast out of me. My only hope is in Christ

Amidst My Pain, He Is There

     My thinking has been distorted by intense fear, heartbreak, and negative thoughts. They are relentless. This week, I have felt an unprecedented spike in depression. I am struggling to keep my depression suppressed. I am able to put on a mask for the rest of the world to see but the pain has become too much for me to keep this up any longer. Luckily, I know what triggers my breakdowns and my spikes in depression. The root is still there. That emptiness. That hollow feeling. It hurts more than anything I've ever felt. I honestly have trouble breathing by just thinking about it. Going through this world alone is an idea that terrifies me and shakes the very core of my being. I am so scared and I don't know how to cope with it. I want a relationship so so badly. What triggers this is something as simple as learning that one of my friends is in a relationship. It's as if everyone around me is getting married or they already have someone while I am left alone while my greatest fear gnaws at me. I pray so hard that I shake and cry, but I get no response. I bury this part of my depression because it has been the driving force behind my motivations for suicide in the past.
     When calamity and sorrow befalls me, I naturally withdraw socially. This is what has happened these past couple weeks. I haven't been going to church because it hurts me to see so many people who have a partner. I wouldn't be able to hold myself together if I went to church. I have been neglecting possible hang out dates with my friends as well because the majority of them have someone and I feel like a third wheel. It makes me feel emotionally cut off from everyone. The pain is so intense. I have not known true peace for a long time. I am constantly at war with myself. I see very little hope for me in the future. I can't see my dreams coming true because they have been shattered multiple times in the past two years. I've kept my feelings of loneliness inside for eight long years and the dam has finally burst.
      I am hanging on by a thread. God is the only one who can help me. It feels like no one could possibly understand what I'm going through because they either have someone or have had someone before. I've been alone my entire life and from the multiple rejections I have endured, I can only conclude one thing. It's not possible for another girl to love me romantically. I am kept at arm's length and considered just a 'friend'. All my life, I have greatly feared of being in that position and that nightmare is true and happening right now. People have tried to comfort me by saying that Paul from the bible was single. Well I'm not Paul and I don't want to be single. I despise that state of being. It's a curse.I just want to be healed. I want all my fears to melt away and I want peace. There is constant tension within me and I am broken. I have felt this way constantly for more than a year now and it is one of the worst things I've ever felt.
      Luckily, I had my therapist appointment this week and for now, I know of only one way to help myself heal and one way to buy me more time. I must pray multiple times a day. I need more time with God and less time with my fears and depression. Following that up, I must return to my schedule and increase contact with friends and people from church. Fear is what has been keeping me locked up. That's unacceptable. The problem is, I can look at my greatest fear in the face, but I haven't the foggiest idea on how to overcome it. I become overwhelmed with despair and intense, heart-wrenching pain. That is why I hide it. I am ashamed of it and it is a wound that constantly bleeds and slows me down. I need prayers that I will be healed from it. It impedes my spiritual growth and keeps me from thinking clearly

Origins

    Experts say that we have our personalities set by the time we are six or seven years old. Are personality often reflects those of our parents. Through therapy, I have discovered that the development of my personality and behavior has been drastically influenced by a deep-seated grudge. A grudge I held against certain family members. When I discovered what they did, I was very young. I was shocked. I cried and I had a panic attack. Even though it wasn't intentional, I felt like it was a personal attack against me. I still hold some of those bitter feelings today and it hurts. I have talked about this grudge in past posts. When I discovered what had happened, I went into denial. I refused to accept it and that was my mind's way of protecting myself. If I had confronted the family members who did it right there and then, I think things would've been different; better. I admit that that was my failure and mistake.  I buried my feelings and my emotions deep in my subconscious and that is the true beginning of my depression and the shaping of my personality.
         Years passed and I was suddenly in my teen years. Anything buried always gets discovered again. I finally accepted what had happened and what had been done to me but feelings of anger, betrayal, sadness, helplessness and rage plagued me for the next 7 years and continues to this day. What those family members did to me drastically changed my personality and relationship with them. I held them at arms length, I didn't trust them, I did everything in my power to undermine their authority. It was mostly passive-aggressive and I always argued with them on every little thing because I felt that they had hurt me so deeply. I had no idea what to do with all my feelings. I was too ashamed and embarrassed to tell anybody. It was my deepest darkest secret and I trusted nobody with it until last year. I realized that God gave me close friends for a reason. Any kind of relationship can't be formed without trust. I told a few of my close friends about it and it has helped. All my feelings that have been repressed for nearly half of my life are being vented and I still sometimes burst into tears because it hurts so much. And yet, it was the right thing to tell my friends. They can give me perspective that I had previously been unable to see.
      Forgiveness can be extremely difficult. It's not something you do one time and then the anger and want for revenge are just gone. It's a process that can take months or even years but the good news is that because of forgiveness, healing is possible. When you refuse to forgive, you're hurting yourself a lot more because God will not bless you if you do not forgive as He has forgiven you. I believe that God has me going through this for a reason. I definitely see the opportunity for spiritual growth here and with God's help, I can do it. I have learned to depend on God for everything. Not just the big things, but the little things too, whether they be good or bad.

Learning And Discovering

    We grow the most when we are suffering and in deep turmoil. I am finding out more about myself every day and I am finding out who I am. I have discovered that I am an emotionally needy person. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. There are plenty of people out there like that. I am a very affectionate person and once I form a friendship, it's usually for life. If I didn't go through depression, then I would be unprepared for the world and I would be spiritually immature. I have accepted that there's going to be pain and sorrow in life. I am learning not to be scared of it, but rather embrace it; for it is God's way molding and shaping me like clay in His hands. I have realized that I am by no means invulnerable to things I never thought I would or could experience.  It's rather humbling. I may have been unaware of it before depression, but I see now that I was arrogant.
        I see new aspects of God that I was unable to see or understand before. There is a God. And His son Jesus came to this earth to save us from ourselves. I understand this now more than I ever did before. I was still a christian before depression. Even though I hadn't fully understood what Christ's  sacrifice meant for me, I still accepted and believed it. But now, it's like a shroud has been lifted and I see what Christ's sacrifice really means.
     I am still in the midst of depression. I feel that I have a knowledge on how to handle most of the things that have been bothering and upsetting me except for one thing. It's the biggest problem and it's at the core of my depression. Loneliness gnaws at me every day and I cannot describe how much I yearn for someone to love. I pray for God to lead me to the right person but it's hard. I burst into tears every time I pray about it because it's just never happened for me and it really lowers my self image, esteem, and confidence. I block it out when I can because it has been the driving force and the motivation for nearly committing suicide multiple times. It has definitely impacted my spiritual life as well. In the past, I have been very distrustful of God and I was even scared to pray to Him because I was so frightened that I would live my life alone. I still have that fear but I ignore my emotions and pray to God regardless. When my emotions blatantly contradict what I know that the spirit wants, then I already know that that's the flesh talking to me. I am so thankful to God for giving me discernment. It's a vital tool in the fight against the flesh. I will keep praying and see what God has in store for me

The Psychology Behind Suicide

       Suicide is a very grim affair. I never understood how people could want to take their own lives. Now, it is easy for me to understand. Life can bring you to your knees if you let it. The core of my depression has not been extinguished and it can easily lead me down that dark path. I am too scared to face it so I do whatever I can to block it out and ignore it. Thinking of suicide doesn't just affect the mind. It has repercussions for the body as well. Whenever a suicidal thought would enter my mind, I lost touch with reality and I couldn't hear anything else but my own thoughts. I would stand perfectly still, unable to move.Suicidal thoughts open the floodgate for a whole horde of awful memories, feelings, and emotions. Since I've had past experience with suicide, it only makes it all the more painful. I always start to breathe shallow, quick breaths and tears stream down my cheeks. Every other solution appears to be irrational in my eyes. When you can't find a solution to your problem/s, you start to panic and look for a way out. The problems become more and more painful and unbearable over time. Add resentment to the mix and you have a deadly cocktail which if it isn't cured soon, can be deadly. Pride, denial and shame kept me from seeking help as long as I did. It took one of my friends to help me realize that I was simply unable to help or take care of myself.
       Being suicidal is the worst feeling I have ever experienced and I daresay that it is the worst thing that you can feel. When your mind gets hooked on being suicidal, there is no hope. Only death and a strong desire to make the pain stop. No matter the cost. The world appears to be this empty, cruel and hollow place when you are thinking of suicide. There is hope, however. Even if you are too blind from despair to see it. Seek out help and support from friends, family, and God. This trinity is the only thing that has kept me from giving in. God provides for me and subtly gives me hope by having me experience new situations. As long as you're alive, there is always hope.

Scars

    It's hard to think positively and it's even hard to think straight when your mind is filled with so much hurt and pain. Some days I'll be in shock and I'll be thinking: 'I can't believe how much this hurts.' I haven't felt this bad since valentine's day when I nearly attempted suicide. I hate valentine's day. It's nothing but an excuse for couples to flaunt that they have someone. It shouldn't be a holiday. I pretend it doesn't exist because every year, it's brought me nothing but extreme pain and heartbreak.
     Depression is so exhausting and it just completely deflates me and sucks out all my hope and good feelings. I feel so lonely and Isolated from reality. I can't seem to find happiness. Everyone has dreams. My dream is to find a wife. It's also my deepest and greatest pain and sorrow. I block it out because it hurts so bad and it can lead me down the road to suicide because my desire for a companion is so intense. I also block it out because I don't know how to deal with it. If I confront it, negative voices in my head bombard me one after another and they all sound cruel and cold. But the scariest thing is that they sound logical to me. If I try to think positively, it feels like I'm lying to myself. I am at a loss as what to do. My past emotional scars still haunt me. Rejections, broken friendships, suicide attempts.... The pain isn't sharp but it's dull and numbing. It makes me feel dead sometimes. I want to be healed. Sometimes I wish I could start life over. To me, life seems to have a lot more bad things than good. I've generally accepted that the majority of life is pain. The only thing I truly look forward to is the day when God calls me home. I don't dare to hope to get married because I'm scared that if I hope, I will ultimately be crushed by despair. I choose to block it out. I can't fight this anymore. I choose to retreat and block it all out. I need time away from the pain, tears, and sorrow so that my mind and emotions can heal.

The Difference Between Forgiveness And Mercy

     So what is the difference between forgiveness and mercy? A lot of people think that forgiveness is a cancellation of a debt and/or punishment. That is actually the definition of mercy. Forgiveness is when you no longer hold the thing that that the offender did over them. You no longer hold a grudge. But that doesn't necessarily mean that they escape the consequences. Let's apply this in biblical terms. We are all sinners. When we ask for God's forgiveness, He does forgive us but that doesn't mean that we get to escape the consequences of our actions. We are still condemned to a physical death for rebelling against God. However, God grants us mercy from eternal damnation. In other words, He essentially cancels that punishment for us. We don't need to suffer because Jesus already paid the price on our behalf. That is grace. God has a perfect mix of forgiveness, mercy, and grace. That is truly wonderful.
     Resentment is hard to beat. It doesn't go away if you forgive only once. You must repeatedly forgive and pray to God for the strength and wisdom necessary to do so. I forgive the offenders but that doesn't mean I have to agree with what they did. I refuse to hold this over them because by doing that, I am letting this offense control my life and behavior. This grudge has gone on long enough. It has lasted 10 years and that is my fault for letting it affect me the way it has. I in turn pray for forgiveness. Resentment is quite the interesting creature. You don't want to let go of it and yet it continually poisons you. It's quite literally addictive and it takes a lot of willpower to break the cycle. By the goodness of God, He has provided me a way out. I have to work for it but it's worth it and I am just thankful that God answered me. Holding onto a grudge this long has consequences but I am willing to endure them. I honestly love how God teaches us. It's seriously spiritual nourishment for me. It just lets me regain that childlike wonder at how God works and the work I see Him doing in my life and in the lives of others. God is truly great!!! 

Views On Pain And Suffering

      Why must we go through pain and suffering throughout our lives? For the Christian, the answer is quite simple and complex at the same time. The short answer is that there's sin in the world and Jesus never promised us an easy life. God knows that pain and suffering isn't fun to endure but He can use our suffering to further His glory and to help us grow and learn. I have definitely learned from my share of pain and suffering that I've gone through. I am still learning and growing. Yes it is frustrating and even seemingly unbearable at times but I am thankful that the lord uses my pain to help me grow. It gives me a deeper understanding to life and God's purpose for me.
      As fallen creatures, we bring a lot of pain and suffering upon ourselves; whether it be directly or indirectly. I admit that my depression has been caused by me and me alone. When I started to notice that I was getting depressed, I ignored the warning signs and I nearly paid for that with my life multiple times. That was directly my fault. When I was a young child, I had psychological and physical hurts done to me that still affect me to this day. I was unaware of the true impact of these events until my therapist helped me to remove a mental block in my mind. That was indirectly my fault. I cannot always control what happens to me but I can control how I react to it. Now, I do not expect myself to react perfectly to every painful situation nor do I expect anyone else to. This is something that we must train ourselves to do throughout our lives.
       When we are afflicted with pain and suffering, our instinct is to look for relief or to cast the blame on another. To cast the blame on another is part of our sinful nature and we must learn to accept responsibility and to see events for what they are. I often had thoughts/ideas come rapidly to the surface of my mind as who was to blame for my pain and suffering. I fought these thoughts by saying to myself that God is in control and He will use this to teach and bless me. I try my best to be open and listen to what God has to teach me. I won't lie. I constantly looked for relief when my emotional pain brought me to my knees in tears and trembling. Suicide became a crutch for me. Thinking of a way out was comforting to me at the time because I just wanted to be with Jesus. Satan whispers so many lies to us. Lies like 'You're weak. You're not fit to survive. Living only means more pain. Nobody can love you.' My thoughts and emotions were so distorted and irrational at those times that I nearly believed those lies. To escape reality, I would always take a nap because I was so exhausted from fighting.
        Pain and suffering is necessary for us to grow and learn. You can either choose to learn, or succumb to misery. The answer is simple but not always easy. I choose to learn and Grow

My Many Changes Of Perspective On Death

      Everyone's going to die. It's a fact of life and it's a consequence of sin. God is right when He punishes sin with death. But God loves us so much that He sent His beloved son to die for our sins so that we do not have to suffer eternal damnation. I have been a christian all of my life. My earliest thought of death was when I was no more than eleven years old. I knew that I was going to die someday but it just didn't really hit me. It didn't seem real to me because for most of us, when we're kids, we're shielded from those kind of things until we grow older. There's death all the time on television but most of that is acting. It dulls our senses. We are so often distracted with what our culture throws at us so that we don't see reality.
     What is death? As Christians, we are spiritually dead without Christ and we suffer eventual physical death due to sin. Eventually, we will stop breathing and our hearts will stop beating. I am not so fearful of death itself. I am more scared of the pain rather than the actual event. Having tried to take my own life multiple times, I see how fragile our lives really are. I have stared my own  mortality in the face. I have shuddered and cried because I had felt that the pain in this life was too much for me to endure. My thinking became so warped and twisted that I would often go immediately in my mind to suicide whenever something very painful happened. I did this because it was a defense mechanism. A mechanism that I am finally free of. I think it is truly wonderful how God can turn such a horrible and unbelievably painful experience and turn it into something good and valuable. I am no longer materialistic. I realize that I will die someday and it is for God to choose that day and not me. Everything on this earth is temporary. I will wait patiently for the lord. I do still have desires and dreams that I wish to see fulfilled but I realize now that God's timetable is better than my own and He knows what is best for me. He still has things for me to do and learn before I meet 'the one'.
       When I was in the midst of suicidal thoughts and tendencies, I saw life as nothing but humiliating and a curse. I saw death as a welcome friend. I am not going to live my life as if I am in control of it because ultimately, I am not. I feel comfort and relief knowing that God controls my destiny. I will help people in any way I can. Today, I see death as the last obstacle for me to overcome. There are days when I wish I could just be with the lord but it's not my time. Life has it's joys. There is still some measure of happiness to be found. My job and goal for now is to grow in wisdom and favor with the lord. There is always more to learn. I need to build up treasures in heaven. I think everyone should fear death at least to a certain degree. It is a punishment, but if you accept Jesus, it becomes so much more bearable and then you will be in paradise with Him! That always makes me smile. Heaven is fun to think about but the bible only offers us glimpses of what it will be like. Death is just the beginning. Jesus conquered death and He will raise you up into eternal life if you accept Him. I know I did and it's the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

Putting God First

      It is so easy to dwell on your desires and dreams. It is dangerous to do this because they grow into obsessions and they have the power to drive you mad with grief and pain. I have made this mistake before and it nearly cost me my relationship with God. That is something that I truly value above all else. I have learned to let my desires and dreams smolder and wither. A spouse will come when God decides that I am ready. It doesn't mean I have to let my dream go. It just means I have to shift my focus and let God be the master of my dreams and desires. I have struggled so much with allowing God to control my life. As a christian, I am quite sure that many experience and struggle with this and why wouldn't they? They're human and sinners just like me. I have to let go of my pride and stubbornness. Holding onto something and withholding it from God is truly draining. When I think about it logically, surrendering to God isn't slavery. It's freedom and it grants you peace and joy.
     All good deeds mean nothing if you don't do them for the glory of God. Now what does that mean? What I try to do is to praise God in everything I say and do because it is only through His good graces that we can even breathe. This is a great way out of the pits of depression. This is what I strive for

Independence

      The time has come for me to stop reaching out to people and return to being completely self sufficient. People will always let you down and/or anger you. In this world, it's a cycle that has no end. In the end, you can't trust anyone but yourself and God. My feelings are my own and nobody has the right to lecture me or anybody else on whether our feelings are right or wrong. They're just feelings. What truly matters is how you act on them. Are you going to control your feelings or are your feelings going to control you?It's your choice. You cannot dwell on your feelings because if you do, then all you are doing is feeding them.
       I am going to cleanse myself of all my desires and dreams because I do not believe that they will come to pass and they have only served to hurt me. The only way to make it in this world is to push forward. Ignore all hindrances. People have hurt me; much more than I thought was possible. I believe this is because I held in my feelings for so long and I lost the ability to process basic emotions and every single pain was magnified. People don't want to hear about your problems. Why would they? To them, you are just seen as someone who can't take care of themselves and someone who is a wuss.Their answer for you is to suck it up. If you can't accept or process their advice immediately, then they get frustrated and leave you. I see that as the epitome of cowardice, callousness, and abandonment. I pledge that I will never leave my friends in such a way as people have left me. One of my character flaws is that I am too trusting and loyal. I am training myself to filter my feelings and always be on guard. I will be shielding my thoughts and emotions from everyone but my true friends. My priorities Are Jesus and helping people in any way I can.  Those two things are all that matters.

Lost And Fighting Blindly

    It's impossible to think straight when your mind is flooded with negative thoughts and the painful feeling of resentment. I have wrestled with resentment for nearly 13 years. It has a strong hold on me and it is very painful and it feels like I am being suffocated. I want to forgive but it gets harder each time I do. I have recently asked myself, 'Do they even deserve to be forgiven? The pain they have caused has become a scar.' I fight off that train of thought because it is not from God. It's Satan suggesting things to me to keep me miserable. I am emotionally exhausted and I am very tempted to block out the pain and sorrow. Suicidal thoughts have come back but instead of fighting them head on, I choose to ignore them. I still feel hollow, empty and heartbroken. I am ashamed to talk to God because my thoughts are so dark and I know that I have been self absorbed. I just pray so hard that Jesus will carry me when I collapse from exhaustion and tears.
      I can easily tell that depression is getting worse. I have skipped meals that I shouldn't of. I often go into a stupor and stare at my wall. Crying has become a regular thing for me. I keep remembering Jesus' words. 'Lo, I am with you. Even unto the end of the age.' I cried so hard when I read this because I forgot and my mind has been filled with so many thoughts and feelings of anger, despair and loneliness. Jesus is a light in my world of darkness. I have not smiled for a long time. I hope that day comes again. I want to be happy again

Incomplete And Drained Of Hope

    I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so empty and heartbroken. Every time I see or hear about couples, I have to fight off suicidal thoughts and tears. I thought a job would offer me a way out of depression. It's what my therapist said but it has only intensified my feelings of loneliness and hurt. It's a constant dull ache and it hurts. It acts like a huge drain on my hope and I hold very little of it now. I truly feel dead inside and I feel like I am little more than an echo. A remnant. The effect that depression has on the mind and emotions is devastating. It acts like a parasite. It takes and leaves you feeling weak and hopeless. For me, it often brings me to tears and I am brought to my knees. I want God to make it stop so badly. I don't know how much more I can take. I need to keep fighting until my next therapist appointment. This cannot go on. I must find a way to heal

Defeat

    Depression has crept into my work. I struggle to hold in tears while I am at work. I had a major problem with this during my last job but I have an advantage here because I am prepared and I am sad to say that I am used to this sort of pain. I dreamed about my suicide attempts last night and I woke up with a cold sweat and heavy breathing. I have been struggling with a lot of anger and I am ashamed to say that I have taken much of it out on God. I just feel so defeated and beaten down. My heart is broken and it aches for a companion. My desire has become an obsession and it's making me sick. I cannot think clearly. I am glad to have Jesus because he forgives. I am praying for guidance, patience and a clear head to think things through because my thinking has been really irrational. I can't comprehend how I can be satisfied with Christ only. I come close to relationships only to force myself to withdraw because I am not ready. I know that but my emotions say otherwise and sadly, they have come close to ruling my life so I am attempting to keep them pinned down. I want the pain and heartache to stop. I just need to submit to God's timing and not mine. I don't know how to make the loneliness go away and it hurts me so bad. When I see couples, I come close to thinking extremely dark thoughts that lead me down the path I am all too familiar with.I am doing everything I can to fight my depression but I am running out of energy. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I just want to be happy again

God's Timing: Suffering Through The Wait

      The past two nights have been the most painful I can remember. Luckily, God has made it so I don't feel depressed while I am at my job. I have spent the last two nights literally screaming and crying in pain because of loneliness. I am going to be blunt. I hate being single. It is the thing I despise most about life. It has strained my relationship with God. I am extremely stubborn and I'm praying for God to change my heart. Submitting to God's timing has been one of the most difficult things I've been going through because I don't trust Him. I'm not going to lie. I have this terror gnawing at me and a question that's been gnawing at me. 'What if God calls me to be single for the rest of my life?' In the past, I thought about killing myself if this reality is true because I can't live with that. I won't kill myself. I have been raging against God and arguing with Him. I know what I am doing is wrong. I only pray one word: help. The pain seems to get worse every day. I don't even know how to act if I do get a girlfriend. I'm scared to death that I'm going to be awkward and stiff. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed because I have absolutely no experience whatsoever. This alone has caused a tremendous amount of agony. It's made me feel cut off, unloved, inferior, pathetic, unpopular and a mistake.
       My spiritual growth and health has come to a screeching halt and I have absolutely no idea what to do or pray. I am honestly trying my hardest to trust in God. I admit that His timing is a lot better than mine since I have failed every time. I don't know His plan for me. I can't even find an encouraging verse in the bible to give me hope. I'm not giving up but I am stretched to my limit. I need help. That's all I know. I am grateful for God's timing in that I was blessed with a job. Maybe this is the first step in Him directing me to my future spouse. One thing I know (and I'm fighting against my pride and stubbornness to admit this) is that I am not ready for a relationship yet. I am too emotionally unstable and I need to continue to grow under God's authority. I know he has blessed me with wisdom because He has granted that prayer. I don't deserve it because I am a sinner but I accept it because to reject it would be prideful.  I read my devotional every day but it hurts so bad because it's like reading my own thoughts and fears. I literally become drenched in tears. I pray so hard for God to change my heart and my stubborn ways. For Him to grant me patience and peace and maturity in preparation for my future

Empty

     I am very glad to have a job. However, my feelings of loneliness have intensified. I know in my mind and in my heart that only Christ can satisfy that need but my emotions protest and even reject this. It's such a painful struggle. I am so clueless and confused that I don't know what to pray for anymore. It feels like a giant void that gets bigger every day. Seeing couples makes me feel alienated from everyone. I have stopped searching for someone and I'm trying to let it happen 'organically' whatever that means. I just don't see any hope whatsoever. I've felt so lonely for eight years and I feel trapped. I feel like only part of me is there. I have been having severe trust issues with God lately. I'm just super scared that I'll never get anyone. That my destiny is to be alone. I steadfastly refuse this. I won't let it happen. And I realize that that's part of a vicious cycle that I'm stuck in. I try to see God as my spouse but....I just can't see it and I don't understand it. How can He possibly make me feel loved if I feel so lonely?

Thoughts And Realizations

    When I am at work, it is easy for me to fully commit and concentrate on my tasks. I realize that this is a good and bad thing. It's good because it means that I'm a hard worker but it's also bad because this has turned into something I use to block out depression. I don't feel depressed at all when I am at work but when my shift ends and I go into my car to go home, I immediately feel incredibly lonely. I admit that I don't know how to make t go away. My desire to find a spouse will not go away but I know I don't need a spouse to make me feel complete. At least, my mind and my heart know that but my feelings and emotions scream in protest. It's been causing a lot of pain. I have made new friends at work but now I'm starting to get scared. I don't want to be single. I honestly don't care that people say that being single is a 'blessing'. It's not to me. There are times when I get so angry and upset that I just want to scream at God. I am extremely impatient. I'm pretty much just following Him with blind faith at this point concerning a girlfriend because my line of thought is this: It's never happened before so why would it happen now? I haven't been fighting depression lately because it's been so painful and I get emotionally exhausted when I try to find a way to overcome it. I keep thinking that the only way to get better is to give up on ever finding someone for me but I refuse to do that. If I did that, then that would lead me down an extremely dangerous path. I am being realistic and I know how easy it is for me to become suicidal. This is the issue that triggers it easily. That is why I block it out. I just feel in a rut at this point and I'm so angry, frustrated, and heartbroken. I don't know how to move forward or what to do.Even resentment has been boiling back up.
      I am going to continue doing my devotional no matter what. The deeper I get into it, the more painful it gets. I realize how truly stubborn I am because there are some things I just refuse to let go. I don't even know how to turn it over to God because the hurt and the desire always comes back. I just hope to find a solution soon

Ready For Life

       Getting a job has changed things. I have structure and a routine in my life now. Depression has been weakened even further but it is not over. Even among all the people around me, I still feel lonely. I anticipated this, however. I need to keep focusing on work and keep up on my devotional and exercising. God will never forsake me. My mind and heart knows this but my emotions do not. My emotions are part of the flesh. This is something I will continue to struggle with until I truly understand and accept that God is really all I need. I still shake and tears still form at the thought of being lonely. I need to concentrate on what I can offer a spouse and not what she can offer me. I realize that I tend to love others but I refuse to let others love me because I truly don't think it's possible for me to be loved. At least not in a way that I desire. This thought gnaws at me daily. I can't even discern if it's an irrational thought or not because it really does seem true to me but I have absolutely no way of knowing for sure. It's uncertain and that's what scares me.
       I've started to lose myself in the word as a way to escape the pain. It calms me down and my mind begins to quiet. The job offer literally came out of nowhere. I was so depressed that I was in tears and then I saw my phone and it had a number I didn't recognize. I answered as clearly as I could and right off the bat was a job offer. My depression disappeared as quickly as vapor. I strongly believe that God did this and it was like someone splashing water on me and saying 'wake up!' I wouldn't qualify it as a miracle but I personally can see how God works in my life. He doesn't need to work miracles to amaze me. He doesn't need to work miracles for me to identify His works. I am so thankful and I have been praising God ceaselessly. I totally don't deserve the job. I have been drowning in my own sorrows for so long that I had started to lose hope and perspective. At least now I can move forward and have the will and power to continue to fight my depression. It's a new day. The past will stay in the past. I will resolve what needs to be resolved and I refuse to back down and cower because God is with me

Hidden Pain

      I now remain silent about pain that rises back up. I woke up completely in pain and shock last night. Loneliness and sadness hits me like a slap on the face. I hesitate to speak about pain now because I feel as if I am a bother to other people. I should be able to handle this myself. I become so overwhelmed with pain and sadness that suicidal thoughts whisper suggestions in my ear. I won't let them in. I cry out in pain to God, begging Him to stop the pain. It sometimes feels like depression has caused me to lose so much of what I once was. Happiness has been very elusive as of late. I wish it wasn't an effort to remain happy. It makes me wonder if happiness comes naturally to some people. My heart aches for someone and it hurts so bad. I am scared of reading my devotional now because it feels like it reads my thoughts. Thoughts and gnawing doubts that I had chosen to ignore. I do feel forgotten but I know that those thoughts are lies. It's astounding how much power those kind of thoughts can have if you listen to them. Lately, when I'm in severe pain, I completely shut down and cut myself off from the world and people. I do this because I feel as if I ask too much of people. I feel as if asking for help or even calling or texting people when I'm hurting is too much of me to ask. My devotional passage for today has helped me realize that there is no shame in asking for help. In fact, it's just another form of stubbornness and pride by refusing to be vulnerable. We all need help sometimes. I have been so busy in loving and trying to be of service to my other friends who are hurting that I don't let anybody in. I don't let anybody love me because I am scared to death of being hurt. Last night was one of those nights where my past hurts felt like they were choking me. I was in tears and I felt so hollow. My instinct now is to cling to the Lord because He's the only one whom I can depend on. I need to stop being so stubborn and prideful so I can let others help me and be open to advice. I am making myself even more lonely by turning away help. I am going to strive to change this

All I Had Was God/ Beginning Of A New Perspective

      My devotional has been most helpful but it also has made me come to some painful realizations. The lesson for today has helped me realize that I have been seeking a woman for the wrong reasons. A huge part of the reason why I have been seeking a relationship is because depression has made me feel increasingly lonely and isolated. Even though my friends and family kept on telling me that a relationship won't solve my problems, I refused to listen to them. I admit that I can be extremely stubborn and proud when it comes to people giving me advice about relationships. I still am. My christian friends would tell me that only a relationship with God will help ease my suffering. I refused to listen to this as well for the sole reason that I felt so pathetic that I only had God to talk to. I have attempted to bring about relationships numerous times and I have failed every single time and I still feel deep humiliation and shame. It's not something I like talking about because it cuts so deep and it's what drove me to attempt suicide numerous times.
      In the bible, God says that He'll never leave nor forsake us. I always dismissed this because I thought it was just a phrase with nice words that we put on plaques and hang up on our walls. Obviously, I have been dead wrong. God wouldn't bother telling us if He didn't mean it. It's true. I remember each time that I was on my knees from so much emotional pain and when my face was swollen from tears, I felt as if Jesus was right beside me the whole time. Even when I was suicidal, Jesus was the only thing that remained constant; someone I can count on. I am slowly starting to see my perspective changing. It's not an easy process. All I had was God. I have been looking for happiness in the wrong place. It still hurts me a lot to admit it. My desire for a spouse has not diminished at all but I am slowly starting to see that Jesus can and will sustain me. I know that what I feel is a very common experience but I always had thought my circumstances were unique. they are not. We naturally desire to seek the company of the opposite sex when we are feeling extremely lonely. This is 100% true for me because I surround myself with friends who are girls. It insulates me against loneliness. In truth though, whether my friends are boys are girls, I value each and every one of their friendships. I am an extremely loyal friend and when I form a friendship, it's a true friendship. It's not something casual. Friendship is a gift from the Lord and it should be something that lifts us up and enriches our lives. As Christians, our personal goal should be to become more Christ-like. That is my personal goal and my ultimate goal is to spread His glory. God is having me go through depression because I need to learn to depend on Him for everything. In the good and bad times. Before depression, I had Jesus in my life but my faith was quite idle. It hadn't been challenged and hadn't been through adversity. I was unable to grow and flourish until I went through an enormous amount of physical and emotional pain that accompanied suicide attempts. I silently thank God for not forgetting about me. I consider this a painful breakthrough but I'm glad it's progress.

Knowing Your Neighbors And Proverbs 27:10

       Do we truly know our neighbors? Today, people tend to rush off to work and many don't even know their neighbor's name. I find that quite sad. 'Do not forsake your friend and the friend of your father, and do not go to your brother's house when disaster strikes you- better a neighbor nearby than a brother far away.' Proverbs 27:10. We can't rely solely on family to comfort us. This is why we should seek out people and kindle friendships so that we are not alone. How great would it be if we were so close to our neighbors that we considered them family? I acknowledge that I should get to know my neighbors better. In fact, I would love to. I know enough about my neighbors to know that they are Christians and I've talked to them before. I feel so blessed and fortunate to have neighbors who care and encourage me through scripture. It honestly makes me want to be there for them when they are in need. Most of us are friends with our co workers and yet we barely even know our neighbors! This was the lesson in my devotional today and I think it's a great idea to get to know our neighbors. The bible does say to love your neighbor. Are we truly following that command? A lot of us tend to avoid neighbors in today's society.  Whether we like it or not, we are a community and we should be friendly and loving to each other. I think this is a great lesson for anyone. I am going to pray on this and devote some of my time to getting to know my neighbors

'Wedding Depression' And 1 John 4:19

        ' We love Him because He first loved us.' 1 John 4:19. This was the topic of my devotional today and it is a very important lesson. Lee Warren describes wedding depression as someone who feels extremely lonely when watching a wedding happen. It's amazing because I'm finding that reading this devotional book is like reading my very own thoughts and fears. But then again, I am sure that there are many people who feel the same way. Nobody wants to be alone. It was really hard for me to continue reading today's devotional because it brought up a lot of buried sadness and loneliness. It's what led me to suicide in the first place. It just goes to show that you have to be so very careful so that you don't put your desire for a spouse above God in your life. That is idolatry and I didn't even realize it was idolatry until one of my friends told me.
        This is one of the questions that the book asked: 'Do you ever minimize God's love for you, thinking that His love can't satisfy your needs? If so, describe your thought process.' This question was like a slap in the face. I have often minimized His love for me and I still struggle with it. I get so frustrated because I want someone who's physically there for me. I honestly just can't wrap my head around how I can possibly be satisfied with God alone. I feel terrible saying it but denying it doesn't make it go away. It's better to just throw the issue out there so I can get help to resolve this. I want someone who's physically there for me and who I can audibly hear talking to me. I know they won't fulfill my EVERY need but I can't think of a resolution. I know God does answer me but.... I desire a physical presence. Someone who's there. This is the issue I need resolved and I feel really guilty for admitting it. I just can't get out of that mindset and I know it's dangerous. It's something that not even my therapist can help me with because he's not a christian counselor. All I know is that I consider being single a curse. It can be a gift sometimes but I'm done being alone. It hurts and I don't know how to make the pain go away. I even feel too guilty to pray because I know I'm doing something wrong.  I'm not going to stop fighting until I overcome this because I have been dragging this around since the sixth grade. I kept it to myself and it only grew worse as the years went by.

The Painful History Of Suicide And Psalm 68:6

      Nearly one and a half years have elapsed since my first suicide attempt. Back then, I didn't know what hope was. I didn't know how to heal and I thought I had come to the end of my time. Depression has tested and shaken the foundations of my will and faith. I have endured. Suicide has left both physical and emotional scars on me but I am stronger for it. Suicide didn't harden my heart. It softened my heart. My faith and love for my savior has increased a hundredfold. God has been so patient with me. Even in those darkest moments where I contemplated suicide, I knew in my mind and heart that he was there with me. I do not yet understand the entire purpose for me going through depression but I definitely know the causes. I had a lack of intimacy with others and a lack of intimacy with God. Pain truly is God's megaphone. I understand so much more about myself, sin, and God. If I study my motives and impulses close enough, I am able to identify which belongs to the spirit and which belongs to the flesh. I consider this discernment a gift from God. Depression is still strong but I am learning patience and discipline. Things I never had before. I have a desire to help people going through pain. If I can't help them physically, then I can at least share the grief with them. No one should go through depression alone. If it gets to the point where it becomes clinical depression, then you absolutely have to get help. If you don't, you will only get worse and it quickly becomes life threatening. Depression clouds your judgement. When you become suicidal, you are no longer thinking clearly. The part of your brain that controls emotion becomes completely over active and enlarged. A person who contemplates suicide does this because they see no other way out of their situation. There have been so many times when I contemplated suicide that I can't even count. If someone succeeds in committing suicide, the effects are devastating. It sends huge ripples throughout the community. Friends and family are left speechless and baffled. They will often either blame the person who committed suicide or blame themselves. This leads them into depression. Depression, like laughter, can be contagious. It's one of the many sad consequences of a fallen world. We do not have to live without hope, however. Jesus can provide healing. The key is to depend on him completely. This is something I am working on to this day. The road has been long but I am well on my way to healing and becoming a better, stronger person. Depression is for but a season. God is in control and nothing is unknown to him.
        'God sets the lonely in families' -Psalm 68:6. This was the topic of a passage from my devotional and this is very true. God didn't make us to be alone. We need community. In the past year, I have found a new church home and I have many christian friends whom I consider family. The feelings of loneliness and the want of a spouse are so unbelievably intense that it often brings me to tears. When that point comes, hope grows dim but I know Jesus is still with me. I am in the process of learning how to unload this burden onto the Lord and let Him handle this. He knows who he has chosen for me. I am really scared but I am trusting Him to strengthen and discipline me so I can be ready for a relationship. It is quite hard to think clearly and logically in this state of mind. Whenever I pray, I no longer pray for just myself, but those around me as well. Some of my close friends are hurting and my heart honestly hurts with them. I hate seeing people in pain. Praying for others and just being unfailingly kind has increased fellowship among my friends and I.  I find this devotional quite enlightening. It has lessons that are very painful but ultimately necessary for me to learn. No pain, no gain. I am willing to go through pain to learn what God has to teach me. His wisdom is truly more valuable than the combined knowledge of this world.