Medicine

   In my experience, emotional pain is a lot worse than physical pain because you at least can treat most physical pain with medicine or anesthetics. You can't do that with emotional pain. Your choices are to do your best to keep busy and to fight it with sheer willpower. The pain is suffocating and paralyzing at times. It also induces panic attacks and breakdowns. Emotional pain is an inevitable part of clinical depression and past suicidal thoughts/tendencies. The pain is so severe that it distorts my thinking a lot of the time. It forces me to turn to God because it renders all my other options either irrelevant or ineffective. I consider this a good thing because I have a tendency to stray away from the Lord. I see this depression as His way of getting me to run back into His arms. It's made it easy for me to identify where I am extremely stubborn and where I am sinful. It has made me realize that I can't possibly handle all this on my own. For most of my life, I've always handled my emotional issues and kept them to myself. Even traumatic experiences. I hate opening up my emotional side because it makes me feel exposed and weak.
      Lately, depression has been spiking super high. The loneliness is so intense that it's quite hard for me to describe. It makes me feel that I am nothing but an observer. A spectator. I can usually keep these feelings buried but an event triggered them. Last week I was at a party with my coworkers and even though there was much laughter and fun, the first thing I noticed is that all of my coworkers had someone with them. Someone close to them. Either a boyfriend/girlfriend, a fiancee or a spouse. I got real serious and quiet that night. It made me feel like a third wheel and it felt like someone had stabbed me in the chest. I still feel that way now. I can't stop the shaking and the tears. I can't see any hope in my future at all. I want things to happen while I'm young. This pain is unbearable. Even when someone casually slips in their boyfriend/girlfriend into a conversation it still sets me off. I just don't know what to do anymore I am just surrounded by pain. I just want to shut everything out. I need some hope