The past two nights have been the most painful I can remember. Luckily, God has made it so I don't feel depressed while I am at my job. I have spent the last two nights literally screaming and crying in pain because of loneliness. I am going to be blunt. I hate being single. It is the thing I despise most about life. It has strained my relationship with God. I am extremely stubborn and I'm praying for God to change my heart. Submitting to God's timing has been one of the most difficult things I've been going through because I don't trust Him. I'm not going to lie. I have this terror gnawing at me and a question that's been gnawing at me. 'What if God calls me to be single for the rest of my life?' In the past, I thought about killing myself if this reality is true because I can't live with that. I won't kill myself. I have been raging against God and arguing with Him. I know what I am doing is wrong. I only pray one word: help. The pain seems to get worse every day. I don't even know how to act if I do get a girlfriend. I'm scared to death that I'm going to be awkward and stiff. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed because I have absolutely no experience whatsoever. This alone has caused a tremendous amount of agony. It's made me feel cut off, unloved, inferior, pathetic, unpopular and a mistake.
My spiritual growth and health has come to a screeching halt and I have absolutely no idea what to do or pray. I am honestly trying my hardest to trust in God. I admit that His timing is a lot better than mine since I have failed every time. I don't know His plan for me. I can't even find an encouraging verse in the bible to give me hope. I'm not giving up but I am stretched to my limit. I need help. That's all I know. I am grateful for God's timing in that I was blessed with a job. Maybe this is the first step in Him directing me to my future spouse. One thing I know (and I'm fighting against my pride and stubbornness to admit this) is that I am not ready for a relationship yet. I am too emotionally unstable and I need to continue to grow under God's authority. I know he has blessed me with wisdom because He has granted that prayer. I don't deserve it because I am a sinner but I accept it because to reject it would be prideful. I read my devotional every day but it hurts so bad because it's like reading my own thoughts and fears. I literally become drenched in tears. I pray so hard for God to change my heart and my stubborn ways. For Him to grant me patience and peace and maturity in preparation for my future
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