It has been quite a roller coaster this past month. The days leading up to my birthday were not very pleasant at all. My mood took a nose dive and I even had some suicidal thoughts. I often get depressed on holidays because it intensifies my feelings of loneliness. However, when my birthday came, I did have quite a good time. As you get older, you start to appreciate the people in your life more than your gifts.
After my birthday, depression came back. It hits me with feelings of loneliness, anger, resentment, despair, and heartache. Even worse, I have begun to notice that the roots of my depression have begun to interfere greatly with my relationship with God. Forgiveness hasn't come easy for me. More than ever, I am confused. I start to ask myself, 'am I actually forgiving? Am I doing this right?'. I also have great difficulty with placing my trust in God. Meaning that I've been having trouble trusting Him to take care of things. My desire for a girlfriend is so intense that I shake and burst into tears whenever I think about it so I bury it. I don't want to wait ten years. I am extremely impatient and frustrated. I have also been questioning if I am truly saved or not. Being unsure about my faith scares me to death. I have spent numerous evenings in self reflection. I do acknowledge that I am a sinner. I definitely need a savior and that is Jesus Christ. I guess what frustrates me is when I fall short of my standards and sin. I am really hard on myself when I screw up and I always feel a crushing guilt. I know God will forgive me but I have this idea in my head that He's just disappointed with me. I do try to follow His commandments. Maybe my flaw is following His rules rather than following Him. I have sought out counsel from my pastor. He is truly a blessing because I look up to him as a spiritual mentor. I really have to focus on Christ. I am going to trust Him to do the rest. God knows I'll slip up. I'm human. It's no surprise to Him. I forget that often. I have really cracked down and started focusing on Christ by reading the bible each night, attending church and doing a bible study with my youth pastor. I find it quite enlightening and refreshing to be in God's word. I need to focus on uprooting the roots of my depression. They stubbornly dig deeper. I will never stop fighting
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