' We love Him because He first loved us.' 1 John 4:19. This was the topic of my devotional today and it is a very important lesson. Lee Warren describes wedding depression as someone who feels extremely lonely when watching a wedding happen. It's amazing because I'm finding that reading this devotional book is like reading my very own thoughts and fears. But then again, I am sure that there are many people who feel the same way. Nobody wants to be alone. It was really hard for me to continue reading today's devotional because it brought up a lot of buried sadness and loneliness. It's what led me to suicide in the first place. It just goes to show that you have to be so very careful so that you don't put your desire for a spouse above God in your life. That is idolatry and I didn't even realize it was idolatry until one of my friends told me.
This is one of the questions that the book asked: 'Do you ever minimize God's love for you, thinking that His love can't satisfy your needs? If so, describe your thought process.' This question was like a slap in the face. I have often minimized His love for me and I still struggle with it. I get so frustrated because I want someone who's physically there for me. I honestly just can't wrap my head around how I can possibly be satisfied with God alone. I feel terrible saying it but denying it doesn't make it go away. It's better to just throw the issue out there so I can get help to resolve this. I want someone who's physically there for me and who I can audibly hear talking to me. I know they won't fulfill my EVERY need but I can't think of a resolution. I know God does answer me but.... I desire a physical presence. Someone who's there. This is the issue I need resolved and I feel really guilty for admitting it. I just can't get out of that mindset and I know it's dangerous. It's something that not even my therapist can help me with because he's not a christian counselor. All I know is that I consider being single a curse. It can be a gift sometimes but I'm done being alone. It hurts and I don't know how to make the pain go away. I even feel too guilty to pray because I know I'm doing something wrong. I'm not going to stop fighting until I overcome this because I have been dragging this around since the sixth grade. I kept it to myself and it only grew worse as the years went by.
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