I have not known peace or joy for a very long time. My mind is constantly under siege from great fears to negative thoughts. Fighting back has become quite difficult. My greatest fear has turned into a terror and I break out into cold sweats at the thought of being alone. I go into a zone where I see nothing and hear nothing but that gnawing terror of being alone. I block it out for as long as I can each day because I have no means to combat such a monster and it consumes me when I look at it straight in the face. I am very scared. I am not free. This is the core of my depression and yet I am so scared of it and I can't bear to dwell on it because it's what led me to attempt suicide as many times as I did in the past. It has been the motive for every single suicidal thought I've ever had. It hurts a lot. The pain I feel is indescribable when I am alone with my thoughts. I have trouble breathing and and I cry. A lot.
Ever since I was little, I assumed that one day I would get a girlfriend, get engaged, and then get married. As I became a teenager, this grew into a hope. A dream. When high school came around and I was still alone, I began to question my self-worth. That is when my hope turned into a fear that I would always be alone. When I graduated, my fear became a terror, a nightmare. It's worse than it's ever been today. I have no hope, no shelter but Jesus. When you do everything that is within your power to achieve your dream and you fail, you lose your purpose and hope. It crushed me and broke my heart. I don't smile anymore. Smiles have been replaced by fear and tears. I feel that I have nothing tangible to hope for and hold onto in this world so I have been forced to depend on God. He has provided but I still feel empty and broken, as if everything that made me happy and hopeful has been cast out of me. My only hope is in Christ
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