It's impossible to think straight when your mind is flooded with negative thoughts and the painful feeling of resentment. I have wrestled with resentment for nearly 13 years. It has a strong hold on me and it is very painful and it feels like I am being suffocated. I want to forgive but it gets harder each time I do. I have recently asked myself, 'Do they even deserve to be forgiven? The pain they have caused has become a scar.' I fight off that train of thought because it is not from God. It's Satan suggesting things to me to keep me miserable. I am emotionally exhausted and I am very tempted to block out the pain and sorrow. Suicidal thoughts have come back but instead of fighting them head on, I choose to ignore them. I still feel hollow, empty and heartbroken. I am ashamed to talk to God because my thoughts are so dark and I know that I have been self absorbed. I just pray so hard that Jesus will carry me when I collapse from exhaustion and tears.
I can easily tell that depression is getting worse. I have skipped meals that I shouldn't of. I often go into a stupor and stare at my wall. Crying has become a regular thing for me. I keep remembering Jesus' words. 'Lo, I am with you. Even unto the end of the age.' I cried so hard when I read this because I forgot and my mind has been filled with so many thoughts and feelings of anger, despair and loneliness. Jesus is a light in my world of darkness. I have not smiled for a long time. I hope that day comes again. I want to be happy again
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