Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Empty
I am very glad to have a job. However, my feelings of loneliness have intensified. I know in my mind and in my heart that only Christ can satisfy that need but my emotions protest and even reject this. It's such a painful struggle. I am so clueless and confused that I don't know what to pray for anymore. It feels like a giant void that gets bigger every day. Seeing couples makes me feel alienated from everyone. I have stopped searching for someone and I'm trying to let it happen 'organically' whatever that means. I just don't see any hope whatsoever. I've felt so lonely for eight years and I feel trapped. I feel like only part of me is there. I have been having severe trust issues with God lately. I'm just super scared that I'll never get anyone. That my destiny is to be alone. I steadfastly refuse this. I won't let it happen. And I realize that that's part of a vicious cycle that I'm stuck in. I try to see God as my spouse but....I just can't see it and I don't understand it. How can He possibly make me feel loved if I feel so lonely?
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Hey man. I don't read your blog that often, but this one caught my eye. I really can relate when it comes to romance. Most girls ignore or avoid me very shortly after meeting me. Of all the girls I've tried to ask on a date, all but one have rejected me, and that one made it clear she wasn't interested during that first date.
ReplyDeleteI don't think God wants to be seen as a spouse. God very deliberately gave Adam a spouse even though Adam already had God. I think, rather, God wants to be worshiped as such and awesome God that we can do without a spouse even if we were designed to have one.
While some guys can practically get a girlfriend by snapping there fingers, I've come to accept that I'm gonna have to work at it. There are other things in my life that I want really bad too: financial independence, a meaningful career, success in business. But all those things require a great deal of effort and patience and discipline not to mention skill and courage. I see no reason marriage shouldn't be the same way.
My point is this: "Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it." The builders, however, are still responsible to do the building.
-Timothy Mitchell
Hey Tim I should've clarified what I meant by 'spouse'. I only meant that to mean that He can meet my every emotional need and feelings of loneliness and incompleteness. I definitely agree with you that He should be worshiped but it's also important to develop a relationship with Him. I'm just having a hard time actually conceiving that He can provide for my emotional needs because I'm feeling that I want someone who's physically there. This has been a huge problem for me because it keeps fueling my depression and I can't seem to find a resolution.
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