Scars

    It's hard to think positively and it's even hard to think straight when your mind is filled with so much hurt and pain. Some days I'll be in shock and I'll be thinking: 'I can't believe how much this hurts.' I haven't felt this bad since valentine's day when I nearly attempted suicide. I hate valentine's day. It's nothing but an excuse for couples to flaunt that they have someone. It shouldn't be a holiday. I pretend it doesn't exist because every year, it's brought me nothing but extreme pain and heartbreak.
     Depression is so exhausting and it just completely deflates me and sucks out all my hope and good feelings. I feel so lonely and Isolated from reality. I can't seem to find happiness. Everyone has dreams. My dream is to find a wife. It's also my deepest and greatest pain and sorrow. I block it out because it hurts so bad and it can lead me down the road to suicide because my desire for a companion is so intense. I also block it out because I don't know how to deal with it. If I confront it, negative voices in my head bombard me one after another and they all sound cruel and cold. But the scariest thing is that they sound logical to me. If I try to think positively, it feels like I'm lying to myself. I am at a loss as what to do. My past emotional scars still haunt me. Rejections, broken friendships, suicide attempts.... The pain isn't sharp but it's dull and numbing. It makes me feel dead sometimes. I want to be healed. Sometimes I wish I could start life over. To me, life seems to have a lot more bad things than good. I've generally accepted that the majority of life is pain. The only thing I truly look forward to is the day when God calls me home. I don't dare to hope to get married because I'm scared that if I hope, I will ultimately be crushed by despair. I choose to block it out. I can't fight this anymore. I choose to retreat and block it all out. I need time away from the pain, tears, and sorrow so that my mind and emotions can heal.