Motivations Of The Heart

       Motivations of the heart. It's a concept we understand and yet many of us don't know the motivations inside our own hearts. It is quite difficult to pinpoint due to the fact that many of us have a hard time searching our hearts. It can be done, however. I asked myself a series of simple questions. What do you want out of life? Are you hopeless? Do you question God's forgiveness? The list goes on. I answered these questions with painfully honest responses. There is no doubt in my mind that I am a sinner and I am very selfish. Even if I don't project it outwards. However, I am very thankful that the Lord has revealed these things to me. It reaffirms to me that I am saved and God does care. I had tried to search my heart before but it was without the help of scripture. It was on my own discretion. I don't feel bad or ashamed at all for revealing this because as you are reading this, I can guarantee that you have sin in your life. It's up to you to pinpoint it and resolve it. I am going to take action and do my best to remove these thorns. They hurt and cause me severe emotional pain.
    In my mind, I often jump to conclusions too quickly. I try to predetermine how a person will react if I said something to them. If it turns out bad in my mind, then I keep it to myself. The plain truth is, I cannot predict how one will react until I play out the actual scenario in reality. I could have saved myself a lot of pain if I had just taken risks. Sure, I took risks in the past. But that was while I was depressed and my attempts to get a girlfriend have been rather clumsy. I currently am speechless from pain when I confront that subject. My hope has been dashed against the rocks repeatedly so I decided to kill it. I am scared to hope. It has paralyzed me. This root of depression pierces so deep that I have created an emotional wall around it to protect myself from pain. I have tried to uproot it in the past but the pain becomes so severe that my heart pounds and I burst into tears, unable to breathe. I have often hesitated to share this with anybody because it is a source of deep shame, pain, and embarrassment for me. When somebody tells me, 'All you need is Christ', I know that is true in my heart of hearts but my flesh denies it adamantly. It's my greatest struggle. The good thing is that I have more insight into my own sins. Do you have the courage to examine your own heart?