Confidence is virtually nonexistent during depression. I remember always beating myself down whenever I tried to believe in myself or think positive. I still do that a lot. In depression, negativity has a pretty big advantage over positivity. However, the reality is that there is always something to give thanks for in your life. I for example am finding out my gifts and strengths which God has blessed me with. When I make a friendship, the bond is super strong and they become very important to me in my life. I have more close friends than I have friends, if that makes sense.
When you put your trust in Christ, even your pains and trials become blessings. For me, it gives me confidence and strength to endure through the sharp pains of depression. Does that mean there aren't tears? Definitely not. It just means that there's a light at the end of the tunnel and that I don't suffer in vain. I grow stronger each day. I don't think that I'll truly know how God uses depression in my life this side of heaven. Yes, I have gained a lot of insight on how God has used it to my benefit but I won't know everything.
I am currently learning how to give up my dreams to the Lord because it has caused me nonstop pain for most of my life. I withhold them from God because I am afraid that He'll just throw them to the side and they won't come true. That scares me to death. I know the desire of my heart. It's okay to have desires but not when it gets to the point where you put it above God. That is my sin and also my trial. I try to remind myself that life is short but then I start to think, 'exactly. Get a wife while you're young.' It's always been my dream to marry young. I am fully aware that there are steps but I'm so frustrated and angry because no matter what I do, I can't even get to the first step. I've never been able to. All I can think is that my love life is barren and nonexistent. Everything I've done has failed and it drives me to tears. Loneliness is an issue I can't seem to solve. I have absolutely no words when it comes to finding a solution. It has become the driving force behind my depression and what frustrates me is that it's a concept. I can't solve it physically with my own two hands you know?
Forgiveness is another thing that hasn't come easy for me. Bitterness eats away at me daily. The event crosses my mind every day and I try not to dwell on it because it actually raises my blood pressure. It makes me angry and emotionally drains me. I don't have an answer for that either except to keep reading psalms. It's better than nothing. Both of these issues require a tremendous amount of patience and I think it's part of what God is teaching me. For His sake, I will endure. This is the closest we ever get to hell as Christians on this side of heaven.
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