Lost

     Things have been so dark. Every time a special occasion comes around, I have been unable to enjoy it due to the intense feelings of loneliness and hopelessness. Even my own birthday has brought me intense hurt and sadness. It brings of visions and memories of being lonely. Memories of when I had plans to end my life on my birthday last year. I find it so hard to focus on God because I have a super hard time trusting in Him. I worry that the plans He has for my life don't include a wife. That is a thought I cannot bear and it is the reason and the cause for suicidal thoughts. My mind is so heavy with negative thoughts, intense sorrow, and pain. I see so many people around me getting married and it increases my sense of isolation. I can't think straight without great effort. I suppress these fears and sorrows so that I can function daily but it keeps coming back. If it doesn't come to my conscious mind then it plagues me with nightmares each and every night. I don't often talk about this because it hurts so bad that it's become a direct path to deep depression. I hide behind a mask I present to the world and pretend daily that everything's okay. It's not.
       I judge and criticize myself a lot. It makes me feel guilty but I feel that I deserve it. Every time I stumble in path toward God, I berate myself for it. Even over little things. I fear this may be a side effect of depression. I have never had depression that has lasted this long. It doesn't really frighten me because I've become accustomed to it. Yet, my emotional reserves become immediately drained when depression attacks. I am at a point where I surrender. I need God and I can't do this on my own. I am in constant turmoil and I am lost in darkness. I want peace. Real peace and I want to move forward with life.