Today

     Depression's been constant for 4 days now. It feels as if happiness and enthusiasm is slowly leaving my body. It really is quite draining. I guess in hindsight I haven't been fighting depression as much as I have been suppressing it. I am really afraid to confront the last part of my depression because it is very painful and I don't know how to cope or deal with it.
    I feel like I have made significant progress and I am slowly coming to terms with my anger and hurt. It may have taken more than a decade to see this issue finally progress but at least it's slowly moving past me. My energy is focused on just making it through each week. It still takes a lot of effort for me to get up out of bed. I have to keep moving forward. I have been very silent concerning the deep areas of my depression. I don't speak much about it anymore because I feel that if I told people how I really felt, then I would be thrown in a crazy house and people would leave me. I don't think people need or want to hear about my issues so I keep them to myself. I don't really know any other way. It's just how I am and How I've lived most of my life. I'm just trying to push through life, really. I just keep my head down and push through. I do take brief moments to look up and look around but I just see and feel pain all around me. I've even had an especially hard time reconnecting with God. I feel so guilty and filthy all the time and I just feel too scared to talk to Him. I've been having a hard time trusting Him because I've been severely hurt every time I try to resolve the core of my depression. It's really been a trial of patience and endurance. As long as I'm in the game, I haven't lost so I'll keep on fighting