When I'm busy or working, depression doesn't impede me physically. Sometimes I'll go into a sort of stupor and it'll feel like my surroundings don't exist. Pain enters my mind and my heart rate rises. Anger over what has been done in the past will make me grip tightly whatever is in my hand at that moment. When I snap back to reality, I have to take a deep breath to calm down. Then I despair. I start to wonder when my life will actually move forward. When will I get married? Will I even get married while I'm still young? That's the most painful question I ask myself. It's extremely painful for me to see so many young people I knew in high school to be married and already having children. It immediately causes extreme anger and I think, 'this isn't the life I wanted. I was supposed to be married 3 years ago. The one thing I truly desire in life is a dead and crushed dream.' I don't allow myself to hope because I have no luck or experience whatsoever in this area of my life. It's a barren desert and it fills me with pain, shame and embarrassment. If I allow it to overtake me, It could once again lead me down the path to suicide. I never want to trod that road again. It's dark, cold, and lonely and it sucks away any happiness and hope I feel. It's dangerously persuasive.
It is so easy to underestimate the power of negative thoughts. You can have them even if you aren't depressed. However, depression gives negative thoughts an unimaginable amount of power. Your strength and will to fight back is sapped thanks to depression and your negative thoughts are always ready for a counter argument for your positive thoughts. I remember the days when negative thoughts ruled my mind. Saying positive things to myself felt so useless that they felt robotic, alien. It felt like false hope. I don't fight the battle anymore. That doesn't mean I've given up, however. It just means that I lock both positive and negative thoughts deep within my mind. If I think either way then I will have resistance so I try to keep my mind conflict and thought-free believe it or not. I usually end up feeling like a zombie because of this though. I learned that that's a common attribute of depression so I was just relieved that I'm not insane haha.
Negative thoughts can talk you into really irrational ways of thinking. It puts your mind in a fog and compromises your judgment. The way you must start to see depression is God's boot camp for life. He's preparing you for the future and he's shaping and molding you like clay. Even if I'm depressed for many more years, I take solace in the truth that I will never stop growing stronger while I am in the midst of depression. It takes endurance to get through depression. Suicide doesn't make me weak. It makes me strong because I've survived and overcome it. That is fuel and motivation I can use to make it through anything else life throws my way.
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