Ready For Life

       Getting a job has changed things. I have structure and a routine in my life now. Depression has been weakened even further but it is not over. Even among all the people around me, I still feel lonely. I anticipated this, however. I need to keep focusing on work and keep up on my devotional and exercising. God will never forsake me. My mind and heart knows this but my emotions do not. My emotions are part of the flesh. This is something I will continue to struggle with until I truly understand and accept that God is really all I need. I still shake and tears still form at the thought of being lonely. I need to concentrate on what I can offer a spouse and not what she can offer me. I realize that I tend to love others but I refuse to let others love me because I truly don't think it's possible for me to be loved. At least not in a way that I desire. This thought gnaws at me daily. I can't even discern if it's an irrational thought or not because it really does seem true to me but I have absolutely no way of knowing for sure. It's uncertain and that's what scares me.
       I've started to lose myself in the word as a way to escape the pain. It calms me down and my mind begins to quiet. The job offer literally came out of nowhere. I was so depressed that I was in tears and then I saw my phone and it had a number I didn't recognize. I answered as clearly as I could and right off the bat was a job offer. My depression disappeared as quickly as vapor. I strongly believe that God did this and it was like someone splashing water on me and saying 'wake up!' I wouldn't qualify it as a miracle but I personally can see how God works in my life. He doesn't need to work miracles to amaze me. He doesn't need to work miracles for me to identify His works. I am so thankful and I have been praising God ceaselessly. I totally don't deserve the job. I have been drowning in my own sorrows for so long that I had started to lose hope and perspective. At least now I can move forward and have the will and power to continue to fight my depression. It's a new day. The past will stay in the past. I will resolve what needs to be resolved and I refuse to back down and cower because God is with me