When I am at work, it is easy for me to fully commit and concentrate on my tasks. I realize that this is a good and bad thing. It's good because it means that I'm a hard worker but it's also bad because this has turned into something I use to block out depression. I don't feel depressed at all when I am at work but when my shift ends and I go into my car to go home, I immediately feel incredibly lonely. I admit that I don't know how to make t go away. My desire to find a spouse will not go away but I know I don't need a spouse to make me feel complete. At least, my mind and my heart know that but my feelings and emotions scream in protest. It's been causing a lot of pain. I have made new friends at work but now I'm starting to get scared. I don't want to be single. I honestly don't care that people say that being single is a 'blessing'. It's not to me. There are times when I get so angry and upset that I just want to scream at God. I am extremely impatient. I'm pretty much just following Him with blind faith at this point concerning a girlfriend because my line of thought is this: It's never happened before so why would it happen now? I haven't been fighting depression lately because it's been so painful and I get emotionally exhausted when I try to find a way to overcome it. I keep thinking that the only way to get better is to give up on ever finding someone for me but I refuse to do that. If I did that, then that would lead me down an extremely dangerous path. I am being realistic and I know how easy it is for me to become suicidal. This is the issue that triggers it easily. That is why I block it out. I just feel in a rut at this point and I'm so angry, frustrated, and heartbroken. I don't know how to move forward or what to do.Even resentment has been boiling back up.
I am going to continue doing my devotional no matter what. The deeper I get into it, the more painful it gets. I realize how truly stubborn I am because there are some things I just refuse to let go. I don't even know how to turn it over to God because the hurt and the desire always comes back. I just hope to find a solution soon
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