I had always seen my suicide attempts as a mark of shame. I felt that people all around me looked down on me because of it. I always had the sense that Christians shouldn't feel like this. They shouldn't attempt to take their lives. Suicide is a very controversial subject. I didn't attempt it because I was angry at God or anything like that. Those moments are the darkest moments of my life and I can clearly recall how I felt. It was as if I lost my reason for living. I saw no hope for the future and I saw my greatest hopes and desires shattered before me. It was as if every good thing and every happy thought had left my body and deserted me. I felt that a dark veil had been pulled over my eyes and what I saw scared me to death. I felt like I was frozen in place while everyone had forsaken me, laughing and moving on with their lives. Silence. The silence was deafening. The gnawing pain of loneliness prevented me from having any clear, lucid thoughts. That to me was the death of hope.
It is now more than a year and a half into depression, I feel better equipped and God has used this trying time to allow me to mature spiritually and emotionally. I must admit, had I not gone through depression, I would be a very different person and my faith would have slowly died out. Sometimes God withholds blessings and allows pain into our lives. He doesn't do this to be cruel. He does it so we will run to Him and depend on Him. He does this so that we learn to love Him more than His blessings. Jesus is the one clear and tangible hope that I have been able to hang onto. I know that depression won't be forever. True, I have no way of knowing when or if depression will be over soon. Our lives are so short and it won't matter once we pass from this world. All bad things will pass away. While I live, I will continue to use every opportunity the Lord gives me to reach out to others and tell them about Christ. I am finding more and more that I am able to help people who are hurting because I am acquainted with sorrow and I can relate to some degree what they're going through.
When I think of depression, I think of William Cowper. A christian poet and hymnodist. He lived in the 1700s and he suffered depression for most of his life. He also had multiple suicide attempts. He suffered much more than I ever have and He still kept his eyes on God. I can relate to him because he had a few close friends whom he poured his heart out to. For him, things were always brighter when they were around. That's how I feel about my friends as well. A person who attempts suicide is a person who is broken. A person who has lost hope and has their mind filled with darkness and despair. It's left it's mark on me physically and emotionally. Yet, God has turned these horrible events into something that ultimately reshaped my views on life and let my relationship with God flourish a hundredfold.
The fight is not over. I have the root of my sadness which has been weighing me down for years. I keep it buried because it brings unimaginable pain and sorrow when I think about it. Lately, I have been trying to hide from God and my responsibilities. I often drown out the silence with media such as television and music. I have been so angry at myself because I keep stumbling. I had been too ashamed to ask God for His help because I had been feeling like I don't even deserve to be looked upon. But refusing to accept God's forgiveness is a form of pride and self pity. I just look at what the bible has to say and I think, 'God already knew I would do this. It really isn't possible to surprise or disappoint him.' I confess and ask for His forgiveness. We just gotta pick ourselves up and keep walking. Keep focusing on the Lord.
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