Hidden Pain

      I now remain silent about pain that rises back up. I woke up completely in pain and shock last night. Loneliness and sadness hits me like a slap on the face. I hesitate to speak about pain now because I feel as if I am a bother to other people. I should be able to handle this myself. I become so overwhelmed with pain and sadness that suicidal thoughts whisper suggestions in my ear. I won't let them in. I cry out in pain to God, begging Him to stop the pain. It sometimes feels like depression has caused me to lose so much of what I once was. Happiness has been very elusive as of late. I wish it wasn't an effort to remain happy. It makes me wonder if happiness comes naturally to some people. My heart aches for someone and it hurts so bad. I am scared of reading my devotional now because it feels like it reads my thoughts. Thoughts and gnawing doubts that I had chosen to ignore. I do feel forgotten but I know that those thoughts are lies. It's astounding how much power those kind of thoughts can have if you listen to them. Lately, when I'm in severe pain, I completely shut down and cut myself off from the world and people. I do this because I feel as if I ask too much of people. I feel as if asking for help or even calling or texting people when I'm hurting is too much of me to ask. My devotional passage for today has helped me realize that there is no shame in asking for help. In fact, it's just another form of stubbornness and pride by refusing to be vulnerable. We all need help sometimes. I have been so busy in loving and trying to be of service to my other friends who are hurting that I don't let anybody in. I don't let anybody love me because I am scared to death of being hurt. Last night was one of those nights where my past hurts felt like they were choking me. I was in tears and I felt so hollow. My instinct now is to cling to the Lord because He's the only one whom I can depend on. I need to stop being so stubborn and prideful so I can let others help me and be open to advice. I am making myself even more lonely by turning away help. I am going to strive to change this