My thinking has been distorted by intense fear, heartbreak, and negative thoughts. They are relentless. This week, I have felt an unprecedented spike in depression. I am struggling to keep my depression suppressed. I am able to put on a mask for the rest of the world to see but the pain has become too much for me to keep this up any longer. Luckily, I know what triggers my breakdowns and my spikes in depression. The root is still there. That emptiness. That hollow feeling. It hurts more than anything I've ever felt. I honestly have trouble breathing by just thinking about it. Going through this world alone is an idea that terrifies me and shakes the very core of my being. I am so scared and I don't know how to cope with it. I want a relationship so so badly. What triggers this is something as simple as learning that one of my friends is in a relationship. It's as if everyone around me is getting married or they already have someone while I am left alone while my greatest fear gnaws at me. I pray so hard that I shake and cry, but I get no response. I bury this part of my depression because it has been the driving force behind my motivations for suicide in the past.
When calamity and sorrow befalls me, I naturally withdraw socially. This is what has happened these past couple weeks. I haven't been going to church because it hurts me to see so many people who have a partner. I wouldn't be able to hold myself together if I went to church. I have been neglecting possible hang out dates with my friends as well because the majority of them have someone and I feel like a third wheel. It makes me feel emotionally cut off from everyone. The pain is so intense. I have not known true peace for a long time. I am constantly at war with myself. I see very little hope for me in the future. I can't see my dreams coming true because they have been shattered multiple times in the past two years. I've kept my feelings of loneliness inside for eight long years and the dam has finally burst.
I am hanging on by a thread. God is the only one who can help me. It feels like no one could possibly understand what I'm going through because they either have someone or have had someone before. I've been alone my entire life and from the multiple rejections I have endured, I can only conclude one thing. It's not possible for another girl to love me romantically. I am kept at arm's length and considered just a 'friend'. All my life, I have greatly feared of being in that position and that nightmare is true and happening right now. People have tried to comfort me by saying that Paul from the bible was single. Well I'm not Paul and I don't want to be single. I despise that state of being. It's a curse.I just want to be healed. I want all my fears to melt away and I want peace. There is constant tension within me and I am broken. I have felt this way constantly for more than a year now and it is one of the worst things I've ever felt.
Luckily, I had my therapist appointment this week and for now, I know of only one way to help myself heal and one way to buy me more time. I must pray multiple times a day. I need more time with God and less time with my fears and depression. Following that up, I must return to my schedule and increase contact with friends and people from church. Fear is what has been keeping me locked up. That's unacceptable. The problem is, I can look at my greatest fear in the face, but I haven't the foggiest idea on how to overcome it. I become overwhelmed with despair and intense, heart-wrenching pain. That is why I hide it. I am ashamed of it and it is a wound that constantly bleeds and slows me down. I need prayers that I will be healed from it. It impedes my spiritual growth and keeps me from thinking clearly
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