Origins

    Experts say that we have our personalities set by the time we are six or seven years old. Are personality often reflects those of our parents. Through therapy, I have discovered that the development of my personality and behavior has been drastically influenced by a deep-seated grudge. A grudge I held against certain family members. When I discovered what they did, I was very young. I was shocked. I cried and I had a panic attack. Even though it wasn't intentional, I felt like it was a personal attack against me. I still hold some of those bitter feelings today and it hurts. I have talked about this grudge in past posts. When I discovered what had happened, I went into denial. I refused to accept it and that was my mind's way of protecting myself. If I had confronted the family members who did it right there and then, I think things would've been different; better. I admit that that was my failure and mistake.  I buried my feelings and my emotions deep in my subconscious and that is the true beginning of my depression and the shaping of my personality.
         Years passed and I was suddenly in my teen years. Anything buried always gets discovered again. I finally accepted what had happened and what had been done to me but feelings of anger, betrayal, sadness, helplessness and rage plagued me for the next 7 years and continues to this day. What those family members did to me drastically changed my personality and relationship with them. I held them at arms length, I didn't trust them, I did everything in my power to undermine their authority. It was mostly passive-aggressive and I always argued with them on every little thing because I felt that they had hurt me so deeply. I had no idea what to do with all my feelings. I was too ashamed and embarrassed to tell anybody. It was my deepest darkest secret and I trusted nobody with it until last year. I realized that God gave me close friends for a reason. Any kind of relationship can't be formed without trust. I told a few of my close friends about it and it has helped. All my feelings that have been repressed for nearly half of my life are being vented and I still sometimes burst into tears because it hurts so much. And yet, it was the right thing to tell my friends. They can give me perspective that I had previously been unable to see.
      Forgiveness can be extremely difficult. It's not something you do one time and then the anger and want for revenge are just gone. It's a process that can take months or even years but the good news is that because of forgiveness, healing is possible. When you refuse to forgive, you're hurting yourself a lot more because God will not bless you if you do not forgive as He has forgiven you. I believe that God has me going through this for a reason. I definitely see the opportunity for spiritual growth here and with God's help, I can do it. I have learned to depend on God for everything. Not just the big things, but the little things too, whether they be good or bad.