Defeat

    Depression has crept into my work. I struggle to hold in tears while I am at work. I had a major problem with this during my last job but I have an advantage here because I am prepared and I am sad to say that I am used to this sort of pain. I dreamed about my suicide attempts last night and I woke up with a cold sweat and heavy breathing. I have been struggling with a lot of anger and I am ashamed to say that I have taken much of it out on God. I just feel so defeated and beaten down. My heart is broken and it aches for a companion. My desire has become an obsession and it's making me sick. I cannot think clearly. I am glad to have Jesus because he forgives. I am praying for guidance, patience and a clear head to think things through because my thinking has been really irrational. I can't comprehend how I can be satisfied with Christ only. I come close to relationships only to force myself to withdraw because I am not ready. I know that but my emotions say otherwise and sadly, they have come close to ruling my life so I am attempting to keep them pinned down. I want the pain and heartache to stop. I just need to submit to God's timing and not mine. I don't know how to make the loneliness go away and it hurts me so bad. When I see couples, I come close to thinking extremely dark thoughts that lead me down the path I am all too familiar with.I am doing everything I can to fight my depression but I am running out of energy. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I just want to be happy again