Learning And Discovering

    We grow the most when we are suffering and in deep turmoil. I am finding out more about myself every day and I am finding out who I am. I have discovered that I am an emotionally needy person. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. There are plenty of people out there like that. I am a very affectionate person and once I form a friendship, it's usually for life. If I didn't go through depression, then I would be unprepared for the world and I would be spiritually immature. I have accepted that there's going to be pain and sorrow in life. I am learning not to be scared of it, but rather embrace it; for it is God's way molding and shaping me like clay in His hands. I have realized that I am by no means invulnerable to things I never thought I would or could experience.  It's rather humbling. I may have been unaware of it before depression, but I see now that I was arrogant.
        I see new aspects of God that I was unable to see or understand before. There is a God. And His son Jesus came to this earth to save us from ourselves. I understand this now more than I ever did before. I was still a christian before depression. Even though I hadn't fully understood what Christ's  sacrifice meant for me, I still accepted and believed it. But now, it's like a shroud has been lifted and I see what Christ's sacrifice really means.
     I am still in the midst of depression. I feel that I have a knowledge on how to handle most of the things that have been bothering and upsetting me except for one thing. It's the biggest problem and it's at the core of my depression. Loneliness gnaws at me every day and I cannot describe how much I yearn for someone to love. I pray for God to lead me to the right person but it's hard. I burst into tears every time I pray about it because it's just never happened for me and it really lowers my self image, esteem, and confidence. I block it out when I can because it has been the driving force and the motivation for nearly committing suicide multiple times. It has definitely impacted my spiritual life as well. In the past, I have been very distrustful of God and I was even scared to pray to Him because I was so frightened that I would live my life alone. I still have that fear but I ignore my emotions and pray to God regardless. When my emotions blatantly contradict what I know that the spirit wants, then I already know that that's the flesh talking to me. I am so thankful to God for giving me discernment. It's a vital tool in the fight against the flesh. I will keep praying and see what God has in store for me