Paths

     People take many paths to happiness. Or at least, what they believe will make them happy. Everyone's actions are influenced by their desire for happiness. And that's not always a bad thing. Everyone wants to be happy. However, true happiness is not so easily attained. Everyone sins while searching for true happiness. Part of the reason why people sin is because they believe the action they are about to commit will in some way make them happy. Everyone has sinned and everyone will sin in the future.
      In my experience, I found that attempting to find eternal or even temporary happiness in people or things other than Christ only lead to heartbreak, disappointment, and disillusionment. I still struggle to understand how I could possibly be satisfied solely with Christ. I do not believe my depression will end until I learn what God wants me to learn. It's definitely a journey. It has it's 'aha!' moments and it's frustrations. Plenty of tears along the way as well. I still strongly feel the pain of loneliness and I have an extreme desire for a female companion but I haven't been able to move forward at all. I try to block it out because it's the strongest part of my depression and has repeatedly led me to despair and suicidal thoughts. My goal is Christ but I have often veered from that path. I am lucky that He will always welcome me back with open arms. I feel safe when I am near Him. I guess what really baffles me is how can He be all that I need when he isn't physically there with me? I'm an affectionate person and I desire a physical presence. It's extremely frustrating. There are days when I feel so lonely that it becomes hard to breathe and I often burst into tears. I feel lonely even when I'm surrounded by friends because I know that they have someone. It's an issue I've never been able to resolve. The only choice for me is to keep moving forward and see what God has in store for me