Nearly one and a half years have elapsed since my first suicide attempt. Back then, I didn't know what hope was. I didn't know how to heal and I thought I had come to the end of my time. Depression has tested and shaken the foundations of my will and faith. I have endured. Suicide has left both physical and emotional scars on me but I am stronger for it. Suicide didn't harden my heart. It softened my heart. My faith and love for my savior has increased a hundredfold. God has been so patient with me. Even in those darkest moments where I contemplated suicide, I knew in my mind and heart that he was there with me. I do not yet understand the entire purpose for me going through depression but I definitely know the causes. I had a lack of intimacy with others and a lack of intimacy with God. Pain truly is God's megaphone. I understand so much more about myself, sin, and God. If I study my motives and impulses close enough, I am able to identify which belongs to the spirit and which belongs to the flesh. I consider this discernment a gift from God. Depression is still strong but I am learning patience and discipline. Things I never had before. I have a desire to help people going through pain. If I can't help them physically, then I can at least share the grief with them. No one should go through depression alone. If it gets to the point where it becomes clinical depression, then you absolutely have to get help. If you don't, you will only get worse and it quickly becomes life threatening. Depression clouds your judgement. When you become suicidal, you are no longer thinking clearly. The part of your brain that controls emotion becomes completely over active and enlarged. A person who contemplates suicide does this because they see no other way out of their situation. There have been so many times when I contemplated suicide that I can't even count. If someone succeeds in committing suicide, the effects are devastating. It sends huge ripples throughout the community. Friends and family are left speechless and baffled. They will often either blame the person who committed suicide or blame themselves. This leads them into depression. Depression, like laughter, can be contagious. It's one of the many sad consequences of a fallen world. We do not have to live without hope, however. Jesus can provide healing. The key is to depend on him completely. This is something I am working on to this day. The road has been long but I am well on my way to healing and becoming a better, stronger person. Depression is for but a season. God is in control and nothing is unknown to him.
'God sets the lonely in families' -Psalm 68:6. This was the topic of a passage from my devotional and this is very true. God didn't make us to be alone. We need community. In the past year, I have found a new church home and I have many christian friends whom I consider family. The feelings of loneliness and the want of a spouse are so unbelievably intense that it often brings me to tears. When that point comes, hope grows dim but I know Jesus is still with me. I am in the process of learning how to unload this burden onto the Lord and let Him handle this. He knows who he has chosen for me. I am really scared but I am trusting Him to strengthen and discipline me so I can be ready for a relationship. It is quite hard to think clearly and logically in this state of mind. Whenever I pray, I no longer pray for just myself, but those around me as well. Some of my close friends are hurting and my heart honestly hurts with them. I hate seeing people in pain. Praying for others and just being unfailingly kind has increased fellowship among my friends and I. I find this devotional quite enlightening. It has lessons that are very painful but ultimately necessary for me to learn. No pain, no gain. I am willing to go through pain to learn what God has to teach me. His wisdom is truly more valuable than the combined knowledge of this world.
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