Omitted Memories And Grim Nights

     As I was flipping through the first volume of my journal, the back side of an entry caught my eye. It was something I withheld from putting into my blog and I later forgot about it. However, I can remember everything about it clear as day now. On April 10th, 2011 I was in the process of brainstorming and writing various methods on how I would kill myself. I will not be posting a copy because the details are graphic and gruesome; Not to mention painful. Let me first explain the circumstances surrounding this event. I was still in Front Range Community College and I was actually in class as I was writing this. My friend sat next to me and I suspect that she had no idea what I was writing. I hate crying in front of people but I couldn't hold the tears back. I did not sob but tears silently rolled down my cheeks as I wrote and splashed onto my page. I hid my face from her. I like to think that God can use even the tiniest things in our day to cheer us up. I remember her turning to me and she gave me a big smile. She has one of those smiles that is so infectious that I couldn't help but smile back. That moment, I stopped writing in mid-sentence and it remains incomplete to this day. If that smile hadn't happened, then I would have gone through with a lot more planned and structured suicide attempt. It's the little moments in life that we need to learn to enjoy.
     Depression has been spiking for me lately. It's just a general feeling of being down and sad and then it turns into loneliness. Last night it got so bad that I had to take one of my emergency pills. The feeling of loneliness is so intense and severe that I wonder if I'll feel like this forever. I still feel as if part of me is missing. I know a mate won't solve everything but.... I can't help but have a super strong longing for one. I actually have the ability to shut out my depression because it's too painful to deal with. It makes my depression go dormant for a time. It buys me time try to think of how to cope with the pain but i have found nothing thus far. A thought that scares me to death is what if God's plan for me doesn't include a wife? I cannot tell whether this is an irrational or logical thought and it's put up a roadblock. I've been scared to pray to God about it but I think I should. I've got nothing to lose

Then And Now

     Today, my depression isn't nearly as frequent as it was last year. I remember being suicidal several weeks straight. The feeling was awful and lonely. It was like stumbling through a dark cave by yourself and you couldn't find a light source or a way out. Constant heartache, hopelessness and tears. My mind was never in the present because it was too painful to face reality. Even when I tried to escape to a happy place in my mind, it was nowhere to be found. Just black. Pain. Despair. It's as if my mind was divided into two parts. The past was too painful to dwell on because I regretted so much and I wished that I was never born. The future frightened me to death because all I saw was loneliness and extreme pain. Imagine feeling that constantly for weeks. It's honestly a miracle that I am alive today. Something that kept me alive is that even though I didn't want to live, I didn't have the will to end my life. I was completely spent physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I prayed to God every day but I doubted that he would answer. The following is an excerpt from my journal. I censored the names for the sake of people's anonymity.

06/14/11
     "My heart is broken. I feel emotionally dead. I want to die but I don't have the courage to go through with it.  I have been forsaken by a friend and I just want to end my life. If I don't have a girlfriend by august 15th then I will kill myself. I would rather be dead than remain single. No one understands because they've been in a relationship before. Me... I've never had one in my life. They have no idea how much pain I'm in. I feel extremely lonely,  pathetic, undesirable and deprived of love and affection. I need this otherwise I will die. Why do I have to endure this existence? This entire year has been a mistake. I hate 2011. I hate college and I hate myself. I hate myself for falling in love because it has only caused unbearable pain. That took away all my happiness.... I'm spent and I just want to end my life. I loathe my sin and that should be reason enough to end my life."

        I was crying and shaking when I wrote this last year. I remember writing every single one of my entries and how I felt. Everything I felt was spilled out into my journal. Even now, reading this again disturbs me. It disturbs me how much pain I was in and it really disturbs me to see how irrational my thinking was. Yet, I can see how I was led down that train of though. It was painful experience after painful experience and my way of coping at this point was by wanting to kill myself. That's how bad the pain was.
      Today, I am depressed. It's nothing too specific today but I just feel sad in general. Lonely I guess. I have learned how to control my suicidal thoughts and when a situation overwhelms and upsets me, I pray like crazy and go straight to the bible and friends. I haven't been suicidal since valentine's day and I plan to keep it that way. It's the worst feeling I've ever experienced. I usually react with disbelief that this is happening and then its as if my hope shatters into a million pieces. What happens next is a mix of a severe panic attack and deep hopelessness and depression. I cling to the Lord to overcome those feelings. I will get through this and things will get better

The Affects Of Depression, Suicide, And painful Memories

      I still remember all the key points of my depression as if it were only yesterday. When I started to notice that I was slipping into depression, I got real scared. My heart rate was through the roof and my blood pressure was really high. I was sad all the time and you could see it in my face. I never smiled, I rarely talked, I stopped shaving, I quit eating, and I lost interest in activities that I enjoyed. I stopped watching TV as well. I just sat in my chair in complete silence and cried. I had an overwhelming urge to be away from people and sit alone in my room. I still have that urge but I fight it as much as I can. Sometimes my mom and my sister forced me to stay downstairs with them so I wouldn't be alone. I gotta say, it was extremely hard for me to sit still and I had this inexplicable urge to just run away to a quite place. I constantly held back tears but I lost my ability to do that. I just sat next to them, staring at the wall while tears streamed down my face. This all happened while I still had a job and even that became super hard for me. My motor skills slowed to a crawl because of the constant barrage of negative thoughts, feelings, and emotions. My co-workers noticed a change in me as well. I had lost a ton of weight. I believe I had lost up to 25 to 30 pounds. (Fortunately, I am back to a healthy weight). Everything felt dark. Even my vision seemed darkened.
       I remember being constantly paranoid and irrational about my friends and family not caring. I felt extremely alone and unloved. I can't describe the pain of having felt that for a year. Sometimes I honestly wonder how I made it through. Depression got so bad for me that I would rather have had a broken leg than a broken heart. The pain was excruciating. I went through physical, emotional and spiritual pain. It's safe to say that I was attacked from every angle and in every way.
     I gave myself physical pain because I thought that that would alleviate my emotional pain. It had the opposite effect. I burst into tears when I realized what I was doing to myself. My arms had gashes with crimson blood flowing out of them and in some twisted way I hated myself even more.
     Emotional pain was constantly present. I didn't believe there was a chance of me getting better. I felt a huge gaping hole in my heart and I felt so utterly alone. I still feel that way but I often suppress it because I can't fully confront it yet. Every thought was bitter, sad and even angry. I was angry at myself, angry at the world and tired of living. There came a point where all my emotions were drained and that also drained my energy. I often laid around and slept a lot just to avoid reality. I went on walks to but I felt so heavy-hearted and it was actually hard for me to walk. I cried constantly and I often thought of death.
       The thing about spiritual pain is that when you experience it along with emotional pain, that's when you truly feel alone. I felt cut off from God and I felt that I was doing something wrong. I felt so guilty for being depressed that I was too ashamed to even read the bible. This is what contributed to leading me to suicide. I felt that I had been uprooted. Forsaken. My entire belief system was in jeopardy. It shook me to the core and I felt without purpose and that my existence was nothing but a cruel joke. It was only when I had almost plunged that dagger into my chest that God spoke to me. I was shaking, screaming and crying. My teeth were gritted and I was breathing heavily. That is when a flicker of hope was kindled. That was when I realized that God had not abandoned me. He was right there the whole time carrying me.
     I attempted suicide a few times more in the future but each time those horrible moments passed, I had something to hold onto. Suicide is the absence of hope and love. Christ is just the opposite. Christ is stronger than my problems and I knew he would sustain me so that is why I held on. I still hold on through the grim days. Whenever I feel empty because of heartbreak, I go to Him. My urge and desire to find a wife has never been this strong before. I realize that the only way to beat it and have hope is to hold Christ first in my life because He is everlasting. I still have worries and fears of being alone for the rest of my life and that is something I simply cannot accept. I just can't see me ever having a girlfriend because it's never happened. I try not to think about it because that is when I quickly lose hope. This is something that has humiliated me and made me feel so lonely and pathetic. It makes me feel like that kid who sits by himself at lunch. I'm scared of taking risks because every time I have put myself out there, I've gotten severely hurt. It really makes me retreat from social situations because I feel like I'll make a fool out of myself. I can't confront this part of my depression because all I see is despair and I have no idea how to conquer it. All I can really do is pray

Myths About Depression

   A lot of people experience and view depression in different ways. I've heard people say that depression is for weaklings. This is a lie and something dangerous to believe. If this were true, then nearly everyone in the world would be weak. We all go through depression in our lives. Some experience it more intensely than others
     Another thing I hear people say is that people who have depression should get a hold of themselves and stop feeling sorry for themselves. They view depression as an extreme form of sadness. If this were true, then we would get better over a quicker period of time. But this is not true. Depression doesn't just affect the mind. It also affects the body. Loss of appetite, little to no motivation, extreme difficulty sleeping, and high blood pressure. These are just a few physical symptoms that manifest. People in the midst of depression cannot simply just feel better automatically. This can last up to weeks, months, even years. Now I'm not saying that people in depression shouldn't be trying to get better. They should but they usually need the help of a therapist. People who don't understand depression criticize way too harshly and they are incorrect. People will always judge what they don't understand.
       Now this next myth is something I believed at the beginning of my depression. I thought that all I needed was antidepressants and then I would be as right as rain. I was clearly wrong. Antidepressants help treat the symptoms but not the actual problem itself. It's not a cure-all, as my good friend once told me. I didn't believe her at first but I should have because she's been through depression herself. Dealing with the actual cause of depression is up to you and you alone. Me, I easily get overwhelmed these days because my emotional reservoirs are so quickly drained from depression. I seek help from Jesus and that is the only thing that makes depression bearable for me.
       Many people easily get frustrated dealing with depressed individuals. It takes a ridiculous amount of patience, love, and caring. Clinical depression has changed my life and is making me into a better person. It also takes a ridiculous amount of patience on my part because I want this to end so badly and yet I still don't have all the answers or solutions to resolve what's making me depressed. It's a process and it will take time. The roots go deep. All the way back to age 3 for me. It's like pulling weeds. It's really hard work but once it's done, you feel a lot better and it feels like the world was just lifted from you.

The Many Faces Of Depression

      Depression can come about in a few ways. Either a single event can trigger it or an accumulation of many events over an extended period of time can cause it to go off. My depression has definitely been building for more than a decade. My earliest memory is a bad memory and it goes back to when I was three years old. I will not share it here because it is too personal but if you know me then you may message me about it if you wish to know. It is at the core of my sadness, anger, and resentment. It has pretty much stuck with me my entire life. I have made some progress in healing but it still gnaws at me every day. This is something that I cannot resolve without the Lord's help. I pray every day but unfortunately I'm usually at a loss for words and i burst into tears.I don't believe in luck or coincidence so I must be going through this for a reason. This is my hurdle to overcome. It does help to talk to people about it but it's not something I can just go shout about. It's an extremely sensitive issue and it's my darkest, most shameful secret. Every time I hear the subject come up, my heart skips a beat and I find an excuse to leave the area. When I think of it, I choke back tears and rage starts to build in my chest. I will overcome it. I do not know when. It may be a long time since I've held onto it for so long

Staying Positive

       Don't you hate it when you make so many plans to keep busy that you think that it can't possibly fail and then all your plans fall through? Yep. That happened to me. Now of course it's a bummer to see plans go awry but you gotta stay positive. When plans don't work, then it gets very tempting to sit around and that is something I cannot and will not do because that is just giving my depression an opportunity to sink in. It starts off with boredom, and then the negative feelings come. It starts a one small negative thought and then it quickly snowballs into quite a breakdown if I let it. I fear that there's an uneventful week ahead of me. I'll just use this time to learn patience and wait on the Lord.
       Old grudges and resentments have been boiling up as of late and one in particular is very hard to beat back down because I see it as the biggest insult and hurt I have ever experienced. Something I was helpless to defend against. This particular resentment has affected me my whole life. You may ask me if you're curious but it is too sensitive to put into this blog. This is one of those instances where you really need to pray for the strength to forgive. Forgiveness is a choice and it takes a lot of willpower to forgive a gigantic hurt/insult. I have confidence that I will overcome it eventually with the Lord's help but for now.... It just causes me so much rage and grief. I will continue to fight.

God Can Use Depression For Your Benefit

      I'm a person who hides his emotions and wears a mask to show the world that everything is all right. I lost this ability when clinical depression hit. It shattered my world and tested the limits of my endurance, will, and faith. From trials like this, they either help your faith grow and help you grow as a person, or it utterly destroys your faith and effectively ends your life. I have faced suicide many times and each time, it was Jesus who carried me through it. He showed me that His grace is sufficient for me. When depression came down on me like an avalanche, the only thing I could think of is this: 'my world is falling apart. Where is my God? I know He has the power to take this away but He is ignoring me.' I was wrong. Every time I prayed to God, I was in tears and I begged Him to take this burden from me. Now, He didn't respond to me right away but looking back, I can almost here Him saying one simple word to me: 'Wait.' I had absolutely no patience and I just wanted it to end. I am still learning how to be patient. One thing that helps me is to remember that God has his own timetable and He will do things when He deems it is the right time; He answers to no man.
       There is a very important difference between knowing and understanding. Before all of this happened, I knew depression was a horrible thing to go through but I never really UNDERSTOOD it until I started going through it. Do not judge something until you yourself have gone through it. I can say with confidence that I have gained much wisdom from being depressed and God is using this time to teach me things that I would otherwise not learn if I wouldn't be going through this. I understand more about how God works than any time before my depression. This depression has strengthened my relationship with Jesus and it has helped me realize what I want out of life. God has also taught me what order my priorities should be in. Jesus must always be first. I now consult God in every decision I make. He has softened my heart and made me sensitive to the suffering of others and I have a hunger for His Word.
       God has even used suicide to my benefit. He has used it to make me a lot less materialistic and instead turned my focus to things eternal. I know that all the pleasures the world has to offer are fleeting and they will definitely not sustain me. I could care less about riches. In this world, our job as Christians is to spread the gospel to an unbelieving world. Have mercy and compassion on the afflicted, poor, and broken. Jesus Came to save the lost and the broken. The first step to having Jesus in your heart is to admit and confess that you are broken and in need of a savior. No matter what your status is in this world; rich or poor, free or slave, we all are broken and sinners. Jesus died for us so we don't have to suffer a terrible fate by being thrown into the lake of fire. It is the biggest choice you can make in your life because whatever you choose, it will set your destiny. You either choose to be with God or isolated from him for eternity. Hell was originally intended for Satan and his angels but when man disobeyed God, He had no choice but to punish us. It broke His heart but no sin can exist in His presence. He loves us so much that He came to earth, fully man and fully God and suffered and died for us so we wouldn't have to got to Hell. Jesus offered Himself as the ultimate sacrifice for all of our sins. All you need to do is believe and choose Him

A Closer Look At Suicide

      "Death is God's way of saying you're fired. Suicide is a person's way of telling God 'You can't fire me I quit.'" I stumbled on this quote while researching statistics for rates of suicide in the united states. This quote got me thinking. Although a suicidal person may not realize it themselves, suicide is a very selfish act and it is not in accordance with God's will. I found it interesting that Colorado has one of the highest rates of suicide in the U.S and in 2009, suicide rates were at their highest in twenty years. According to the Denver post, suicide rates go up when the economy goes down so this makes sense. What baffled me is why Colorado has such a high suicide rate. The reasons are quite numerous so I will post a link here: http://www.denverpost.com/opinion/ci_16096291
        Now these are opinions and speculations on why Colorado has such a high suicide rate but some of them do make sense. Part of what contributed to my attempting suicide is that I refused to get help because I always took care of my own emotional problems. What I realized is I never even dealt with my emotional problems because I shoved them deep into my subconscious. The dam was bound to break at some point. Statistics also say that men use more violent means of suicide than do women. However, women attempt suicide twice as much  as men do. I definitely used violent means. I tried stabbing myself and slitting my wrists. I even thought of finding a gun at one point. Do not let this scare you because I have got these feelings quite under control now and I have learned quite a lot. I am merely comparing my experiences to statistics.
     All people who are suicidal usually do not want to die. They just want the pain to stop. For me, it was an impulse to do anything possible to stop the pain. I eventually found that nothing on earth could sustain me. A suicidal person is desperate for hope. The only true hope I have found is Jesus. He has sustained me to this day and he will not abandon me. I felt abandoned by everyone and the entire world looked like a dark and hopeless place to me. I often prayed and screamed out loud while crying for God to kill me. These are very painful memories for me but I must get them out as a warning to other people. Extreme distress and emotional pain will definitely distort one's thinking. It was like every time I tried to have a positive thought, it was slapped a way by ten more negative thoughts. It's extremely frightening because I found that I couldn't stop the negative thoughts from entering my mind. I was deeply conflicted about dying. I was tired of living but scared of dying. I was scared about what God would do to me. Would I go to hell? I still believed back then in Jesus but.... it does trouble me to think about this.
       According to the book 'Happiness Is A Choice" a suicidal death occurs every twenty minutes. In the entire world, suicide rates are increasing. Five hundred thousand deaths from suicide are being reported annually! A suicidal person most likely gives someone else a hint of their intentions. I came right out and said it to my best friend. She was the only one in the world who knew. If it wasn't for her insistence on me telling my family then I would be dead. Of any ten people who have committed suicide, eight have given definite warning. Unfortunately, many people do not know how to handle or approach a suicidal person. Here are some tips. Do NOT belittle their situation. This will definitely make them feel even worse. You must be loving but firm. Get help immediately. Even if you have to take the person to the emergency room. I know I went there. I was looking at all the warning signs that suicidal people give and I was shocked to see that I fit the bill perfectly. The only difference is that I made my intentions clear more secretively. I wrote them all down in my journal. Before one of my attempts. I texted some of my friends to say goodbye. I cringe to think of what they went through and felt after reading those texts. After I sent a text, I got a call literally five seconds later. I'm lucky to have friends like that. After a first suicide attempt, it can get to be somewhat addictive. My desire and determination to die only increased. I t took a huge turnaround in my thinking to change. Depression affects and hurts nearly everyone at some point. Suicide absolutely destroys the people left behind. My whole family was in an uproar. Not just my immediate family, but my extended family as well and I have a huge family. The bottom line is this: Do not stand by while someone is suicidal. Get help immediately. There are alternatives to suicide.

The Torments Of Depression And Resentment

       My brief respite from depression is over. It's back to the grind again. It's so easy to feel lonely and helpless. It ends up turning into a cycle. I get frustrated being stuck in my house, my frustration turns to anger as I think of past resentments, I feel helpless to resolve it and then I burst into tears. That endlessly fuels my depression. The thing about resentment is that it really is like a poison. You're only hurting yourself and the other party is just fine because they either don't know or don't remember what's going on. It is the biggest offense I have ever suffered and it is extremely hard to let go because I want justice. Even though I forgive the offending party, my blame and rage turns to someone else. Quite honestly, I don't think I'm ready to forgive. Not yet. I shove this resentment to the darkest corner of my mind so I don't have to deal with it all the time. When it does surface, it quickly drains me emotionally and my rage continues to grow. A few of you know what the source of my resentment. If you know me, You may ask.
      It truly is hard to hold onto hope when you're in the midst of depression. It's like a huge vacuum that sucks out every positive thought and feeling. It's like breathing in despair and sorrow and exhaling hope. This is where willpower comes in. I fight with all my might so I don't get suicidal. I have seen how quickly that can happen and it is dangerous. Once a fleeting suicidal thought passes my mind, it sets off a red flag. Luckily, I have trained myself to say, 'stop! Think of something else!' when this happens. I have no doubts that the Lord will continue to sustain me but I also have realistic expectations. I know my suffering is not yet complete. It is impossible to know when it will be over. It is so easy to get exhausted and say, 'I don't want to fight this anymore.' when I get to this point, I get up and do something productive.
      I am fortunate to know that part of the reason I am depressed is because I have the wrong priorities. I acknowledge this and I pray so hard about it. It's super painful for me to pray about it and I almost always burst into tears when I do. I have read many books on depression. I view things from a christian perspective so I have a few self help books by christian psychologists and there is a lot I have learned from their books. For one, They say that to help get through depression, one must 'cleave to the Lord'. This exactly what I've been doing and it definitely helps. Another way in addition to that is to monitor what you are thinking and replace those negative thoughts with biblical knowledge and verses. Truthfully, this is an area I still need work on. You also can't discount the fact that Satan will do everything in his power to bring us down. He is like a 'roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour'. We must always be on guard against Satan because he knows our weaknesses and he will exploit them. We must not underestimate our enemy. He has been on this earth far longer than any of us have lived. Here's the good news: God is stronger. In fact, God has everything under control and Satan actually  has to seek permission from God to tempt us. An example of this can be found in the book of Job when He is before the throne of God. If God allows you to suffer, then He has a good reason for it. The world is not all sunshine and rainbows. This is what people need to realize because all the time I hear them say, 'Why is this happening to me? I don't deserve this!' God does want us to be happy but sometimes we need to suffer to change and grow. I know I was as stubborn as an ox before I went through this and in a lot of ways I still am but I am working on it. Sometimes it takes great suffering before a person is willing to change.Many people reject Christianity because they see God as a crutch. Trust me: it ain't easy being a christian. Jesus never promised us a life of leisure. The truth is, we all have a need of a savior. Many people are to proud and arrogant to see it. I will say that there is truly only one thing that we have absolute control over: Whether we accept God's free gift of salvation, or reject it. C. S. Lewis has said that God doesn't send people to hell. They choose hell for themselves through their life choices and their rejection of Christ. It's very sad but I completely agree with C.S. Lewis. It is so much better to live for Christ than to live without hope. It may be very difficult living in an unbelieving world, but it is worth it in the end.
      I find depression so fascinating. Pinpointing the origins of depression can be difficult but research says contributing roots for depression can be traced as far back as age three or four. I can only think of my deepest root going back to age seven but still, that is pretty far. That is the age where I started suppressing my emotions because I remember finding out something that really shocked and upset me. It affects me to this day and it will have an impact for the rest of my life.  Christian psychiatrists believe that there are three major sources for emotional pain.
1. Lack of self-worth
2. Lack of intimacy with others
3. Lack of intimacy with God
I found this to be extremely interesting because it described me to a t. I believe that everyone in the world will struggle with these at some point in their lives. Some more severely than others. Something I struggle with that has caused me a lot of pain is lack of intimacy with others. Now, it can be argued that there are certain levels or degrees of intimacy; such  as contacts, acquaintances, friends, close friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, and then finally spouse. I get frustrated and cry nearly every day because I want the intimacy of having a girlfriend. I want a real relationship. The problem is, I am super shy and at this point given my past experiences, I am afraid of getting hurt again. I was putting this in my life before God and I realize that was a mistake. As painful as it may be for me, I have to trust God with this. When I start to have doubts, I just remind myself that I couldn't do this on my own and that God is the one who can do anything. I have heartache nearly every day. It stings. I get angry and jealous of other people for being able to make those kind of intimate connections so easily. I have often wondered if there was something wrong with me. I have felt extremely unattractive and undesirable and I hate for people to know that. I also bury this in my mind because it is so very painful to deal with but it always finds a way to bleed through my subconsciousness. When that happens, my heart races, I breathe heavily and I become overwhelmed with tears and despair. It is one of the loneliest feelings in the world. I may be surrounded by people who love me, but I can't connect with them the way I want to. This inability stems from an extremely valuable friendship I lost in the sixth grade. I am actually just realizing this now. She was a friend I had fallen in love with but somehow she became distant and it took me five years to heal. We're friends again and we only talk occasionally but luckily I no longer have those feelings for her. This is not the same girl I went to prom with. What frustrates and angers me so much is that I am so inexperienced with my love life. It's my most shameful secret and I'm actually choking back tears right now. It is the core of my depression and the reason for so many suicidal thoughts and attempts. The only things I have to cope with are prayer and God. Only time will tell. 
         

An 'Aha!' Moment

      Last night, I was texting one of my friends. She was telling me how she felt and how she felt empty and I could tell that she was slipping into depression. She said she was scared of being alone and that she wants a real relationship. That's exactly how I feel and it's at the center of my depression but I realized something as she told me this. I realized that I'm really not ready for a relationship yet. It didn't really upset me. It was just a fact. I'm not ready for a relationship because I know that if I were to go into one now, it would just add more strain and it would destroy me if it didn't work out. I have to be strong to be in a relationship. I am currently weakened by depression and it would be a disservice to her and me if I were to get into a relationship at the state I'm in. God isn't done teaching me. I will wait patiently while He continues to strengthen and teach me.
      I am glad that I saw this with a clear and open mind because if I was upset when I saw this, then this would have been much  harder for me to accept. Yes it is frustrating to me but that's the way it goes. I just have to wait. My time will come. I wish to continue to help her through her depression. Her circumstances may be different from mine but the symptoms are the same. I refuse to stand by and watch depression overtake her. I met her when I worked at Goodwill. She was my fellow coworker and we connected quickly. She seems lost and unsure of her life. I will do my best to show her the way to Christ but the rest is up to the Holy Spirit.

Strength And Peace

     I feel stronger. Stronger in faith and will. God is so gracious. My depression feels suppressed. I do not know how long this respite will last but I'm going to make the best of it. For the first time in a long time, I can feel hope and peace. There are still aspects of my depression that I know are far from resolved but I know God will bring me through it. I don't feel any tension headaches or pressure around my head. I can think clearly for the first time this year. Getting more involved in church has helped immensely and I feel I have purpose. I love telling the kids in youth group of my experience and I love how we are growing as a group. I have made new friendships and rekindled old ones. I've come a long way from suicide. I am not the person I was last year. Church is acting like an anchor for me and I longer feel disconnected from the world.
      I still have much to learn. The longer I am in depression, the stronger I will become and the more wisdom I will gain. Not earthly wisdom, but wisdom from God. That is the best kind of wisdom. Pain is the only way we grow. God knows this is necessary if we are to mature. He says to praise him in your trials and suffering. To the common man, this is unreasonable and the instinct of the flesh is to curse Him. It took me a while to completely understand this. I knew that we should praise God when we are suffering but I never really knew why. To curse and blame God for your suffering is so extremely selfish. You're basically saying, 'I don't deserve this. I deserve better!' The truth is, we don't deserve better. Do you honestly think that we as fallen creatures don't deserve punishment? We deserve worse. We are lucky that God is merciful. We rebel daily against God and yet He chooses to forgive us. We are wretches. You must humble yourself before God. He is the giver of strength and peace. 

Why I Started This Blog

     Where to begin? At first, after my first suicide attempt back in January 2011, my friend suggested that I start journaling to get my feelings out. It seemed to work for a while, but my thoughts were extremely dark. Once my depression is truly over, I plan to burn my journals because they are something I never want to read again. As I wrote each journal entry, my emotions burst out of me like a dam breaking. I was often shaking and crying loudly as I wrote. I almost felt worse because I was buying in to all my dark thoughts and they made sense to me.
      In late 2011, the idea of starting a blog started to pique my interest. My sister is the one who gave me ideas. I initially started this blog for me. I felt it was a better way to get my feelings out and my sister said it would be therapeutic. The purpose of my blog transformed rather quickly. More and more people started to comment about my blog. This was a surprise to me because I didn't expect it to attract so much attention. People began messaging me and these were people who I had not spoken to in years. It touched me that they cared and they said my blog had touched them as well.  More and more of my friends told me that I would have no idea how many people actually read my blog because they told their friends about it and it was exponential from there. This has made me truly humbled and thankful. I think what makes my blog so captivating is that depression is something that so many people can relate to. It shows my good side and my bad side, warts and all. It shows that I am an ordinary person and that I have feelings and emotions just like everyone else.
      After receiving so much feedback, I decided to change the purpose of my blog. It wasn't just about me anymore. What I want people to get from my blog is inspiration, hope (through Christ), and to show people who are going through depression that they are not alone. I am always available to talk, even if we don't know each other that well. I want people to see how Christ is transforming my life and to show them that anything is possible through Christ. I hope people find strength and inspiration and I hope they realize that depression and suicide is nothing to be ashamed of. We all stumble. It's extremely important to get the help you need.

Stages Of Suicide, Tendrils Of Depression, And Vivid Memories

        Let me make this clear right off the bat: I am NOT suicidal. In this post I will be discussing how I slowly got more and more serious about suicide as my depression dragged on. If I were to go back in time as far as possible to see where I could find the first roots of depression, it would be when I was about seven years old. I will not discuss the circumstances surrounding this vivid memory because it is too personal. Again however, if you are close to me and know me well, you may ask me. It is a memory that is still very strong as if it only happened yesterday. I remember how I felt, I remember what I smelled, and I remember what I saw.
       Depression went dormant until about third grade and even though it appeared to be mild depression, it stays with me from now on and it will grow into what my depression is today. That is when I first started feeling lonely. I had just changed schools and I don't make friends easily. I am an overall passive person. As most of you know and have experienced, there is a kind of social hierarchy in school. You have your jock group, nerds, theater people, etc. Back then I would've considered myself at the very bottom. Especially since it was a new school. I spent recesses playing by myself all through elementary and partway through middle school.
       When the sixth grade came around, that's when depression really hit and it's also when I had my first experience with suicidal thoughts. See, the year before, I had become great friends with this one girl. Now that I think about it, she's probably the one who influenced me (in a good way) and helped me break out of my shell and talk more to people. This friendship was extremely valuable to me and this is the first incidence where I started to emotionally invest in a person. The friendship dissolved in the second quarter of sixth grade. I can't exactly remember the circumstances surrounding this but I remember that this completely devastated me and plunged me back into depression. I lost interest in school, I withdrew from my social life, and I cried at least once a day. I was twelve years old. I was failing all my classes and this is when I learned that I had ADD. This made me feel inferior to everyone. In late December, I became suicidal. I never told anyone. Not even my parents knew and they still don't know. This is where my ability to hide my emotions and feelings really blossomed. I had suicidal thoughts but not to the point where I wanted to act on them. They eventually faded away but it definitely left a profound impact on me. It took five years for me to get past my feelings for her. (On a side note, I didn't really start to pursue God until after this incident. Before sixth grade, I had absolutely no interest with things to do with God or the bible. I realized my need for a savior after the dust settled from this bout of depression).
      My depression went dormant again about halfway through seventh grade. This is where I met one of my best friends in health class. To this day, he is still a very good friend of mine. He is the one who finally cracked my shell and I became more social. A lot more social. However, I still had this void in my heart that I couldn't explain so I made many superficial friends to surround myself with. They were little more than a form of security for me. I admit that I became rather cocky and arrogant at this stage of my life because I felt I had so many friends and I considered myself above some people. I'm definitely far from perfect. This continued until my junior year of high school.
      My friend whom I met in my seventh grade health class changed schools once junior year came. Depression was threatening to overtake me once again and I knew I had to make some new friends quick. I refused to sit by and be alone again. Luckily, I made some new friends rather quickly. This is a year where God truly blessed me with some wonderful friends with whom I still keep in touch with. At this point, I had a rather versatile group of friends. I had friends from all over the social hierarchy. I honestly stopped caring about wanting popularity and I was content where I was. God is truly gracious. I met another one of my really close friends (with whom I still talk to today) in my Spanish class. She is a year ahead of me and I had this mindset where upper class men don't mingle with lower class men. Boy, she was definitely not what I expected. I remember that moment perfectly. I was wearing jeans and a sweatshirt and she was wearing flip-flops and shorts. I was assigned to sit next to her. She is quite a pretty lady. She has a great sense of humor and she makes me smile all the time. She turned to face me, smiled, held out her hand and introduced herself. We connected instantly and we became great friends. I'm just amazed because I would have been way too shy to talk to her. If she hadn't initiated the conversation, then we probably wouldn't have become friends! We have a lot in common too. We are both gluten intolerant so we often swap recipes. Another good friend I met was in my chemistry class. I remember this perfectly as well. Again, I was assigned to sit next to her. We were in the back row and on metal stools. She turned to me and asked, 'Do you want to be friends?' I misunderstood her and thought she said, 'Do you have friends?' I said, 'Heck yes!' It was only after I said that that my brain processed what she actually asked. It didn't matter at that point because I was already friends with her. This was also the year I became friends with the girl I took to prom. I knew her from church but we hadn't talked much. I sent a friend request to her on facebook just because she looked familiar to me. She accepted and instantly introduced herself. Again, we really connected and I still cherish her friendship to this day. All three of the important friends I made that year initiated conversation with me and I am still amazed that such a lucky guy like me got to be friends with pretty ladies like them. I think that was the best year of school ever.
       Senior year came by and I thought of this as my slack off year. sixth grade really influenced my view on education as well. I came to hate it and I still do to this day. I really couldn't have cared less about college and college prep. In fact, my counselor forced me to at least apply for front range. Depression re-emerged and this time, it was here to stay. I began having breakdowns and panic attacks over the future. I was scared to death of losing contact with all of my friends once high school ended. I also felt enormous pressure to go to prom but I didn't have the courage to ask anyone. I know who I wanted to ask but my legs quaked at the thought of asking her. I was such a chicken that one of my friends pretty much made me ask! I remember this day well. We were filming a project in my neighborhood and I was going to use this as an opportunity to ask her to the prom. I chickened out. The film was for math and it was called The Dreadnut. Those were great times. So after we filmed, We were going into our cars and preparing to leave when my friend turned to me, looked me straight in the eye and said loudly, 'Ask her!!!' My heart stopped and I completely froze. She took my phone texted a sample message, and then told me to press send. I did. I am smiling right now because I remember how much of a wuss I was. I went home and anxiously awaited her reply. I threw up from being so nervous. She said yes! Prom was great. I'll never forget it and I still have the corsage she gave me. After all the fun was over, my panic attacks increased.
       High school was over. I had no desire to go to school. My only option was to find a job. I found one. I was employed at goodwill industries. I was really nervous and uncomfortable for the first couple weeks but I got used to it. i really enjoyed making money. Money was freedom to me. At this point, I had Jesus in my heart but I didn't really have any experience with the 'rogue winds of life' so looking back, I would have considered myself spiritually immature. This takes place during the last three months of 2010. My friend whom I took to prom began hanging out a lot more. She suggested that I take a class with her at front range. I thought it would be nice to get some college experience and I wanted to be near her so I said yes. Now, I don't have much world experience and I had never applied to college before so I was extremely nervous and I had no idea how to drive there or what to do when I got there. She pretty much held my hand through the whole process. The school counselor I had was an old lady and I must say, she vexes me so. She took forever to talk and she screwed up my graduating year. She put 2099 as my graduating year. This was now January 2011 and I can say with complete honesty that this was the darkest year of my life.
     Even though front range was small, I still found it extremely intimidating. I pretty much kept my mouth shut the whole semester and almost never participated in class because i was so shy. This is where depression got progressively worse. I mid-January, I started texting my friend a lot and telling her that I was feeling depressed. She did everything she could to help me and thought it was just mild depression at first. She gave me encouraging bible verses when hanging out at her place. I burst into tears while reading them because I felt like happiness was so far away and I felt extremely disconnected with God. I found work to be monotonous and I felt sluggish and sad. I was seized by an intense desire to be into a relationship. It was suppressed before because it first started to appear in freshman year. I had never had a girlfriend and i longed for that intimacy and I realized that that was the void I was feeling in my heart. Looking back, I think I fell in love with the girl I took to prom because one, she was my closest friend at this point and two, I wasn't thinking straight and I was looking for any opportunity to jump into a relationship. This has definitely left it's mark on me and I believe this could have been prevented if I never had the habit of suppressing all my feelings and emotions. We bring depression upon ourselves.
      Near the end of January, I finished work early and I felt awful. I was driving home and the first suicidal thought since seven years ago popped into my mind. 'I'm tired and I want to die.' I shared nearly everything with my friend and when I told her this, she said I needed professional help. This blew my mind because I thought at this point I was going to be put into an asylum. She's the one who convinced me to tell my family and if she hadn't, I would be dead. (This is one of the reasons why her friendship is so extremely valuable to me. It's not everyday that your life gets saved.)
     I've covered the details of what happened in my earlier posts. I will now discuss how suicidal thoughts and attempts intensified. The first time I attempted suicide was the scariest moment of my life. I was in shock that I was about to do this.I couldn't believe it had come to this. I was only stopped by a friend calling me on my phone. My first attempt was a sort of heat-of-the-moment type. I wrote no suicide note. All I knew was that I wanted out. I thought it was the only logical option. When someone attempts suicide for the first time, it's not because they want to die. It's because they see no other way to escape their pain. My first attempt left me extremely drained and sapped my will. Here is my first journal entry from that night. (I had to censor the names mentioned)

        January 30th, 2011
     Today I had a suicide attempt. It's my first one. I'd be dead right now if the girl I befriended in sophomore year hadn't called me. I thought she was mad at me so I'm surprised she called. She told me that she loved me. Huh, that's funny cuz I always though that none of my friends really cared. I feel like I've been a burden. Especially to my closest friend. Her friendship is something I never want to lose. That thought scares the hell outta me. Never in my life have I felt this terrible. Support from friends has comforted me. A small part of me still wants to die but I don't think I'm gonna try committing suicide again. I'm so sick of being single. Mom thinks there's someone for everyone but I don't believe that. I think it's up to chance. I have to go to the hospital tomorrow. I'm scared. It's so hard for me to stop the negative thoughts. I think about being single and then it starts.... I'm so exhausted. I can't believe how blind I've been to all the blessings in my life. I'm mad at myself for feeling like this. My closest friend's been a blessing. My life feels so dark. I'm going to bed cuz this tylenol pm is starting to kick in.

       My first suicide attempt led to self loathing. I began to cut. A lot. I liked the pain and I felt that I deserved it. 32 crimson red gashes marred both of my arms. I still have all the scars. On February 15th, 2011 I attempted suicide once more but the big difference was this: I wanted to die. One of my close friends who lives in my neighborhood texted me and wanted to hang out. That's what stopped me. Long story short, he took me to the emergency room once he saw my arms. Each suicide attempt only increased the hatred I had for myself. It is an extremely deadly cycle and it's something you never want to get stuck in. I prayed daily for God to snuff me out and take my life. I stopped eating, stopped drinking, lost a ton of weight and went pale. I just stopped taking care of myself altogether. Each day I woke up to find myself alive. I flew into a rage and argued with God about why I was still alive. I gave an ultimatum. If things didn't improve by my birthday in in august, then I would kill myself. I began to plan in earnest. I brainstormed methods and ways to kill myself. I also started to write my will. I wanted my body to be cremated and my ashes to be cast in the wind. I wanted no memorial or a tombstone. I hated myself so much that I didn't want any evidence that I ever existed. It's painful to even recall how much pain I was in. I prayed that my family and friends would let me go so I could die.
      In conclusion, my first stages of suicide revolved around pain and extreme sorrow and then it moved into rage and hatred. In early 2012, it involved extremely painful heartache, hopelessness, and detachment. I cannot even put into adequate words the pain I was in. It was unlike anything I ever felt. After my near suicide attempt on valentines day, I made a pledge to myself, my therapist, and my friends and family. I promised to fight this with everything I got and to NEVER suppress my emotions again. It is a pledge I wrote down and one I uphold to this day. My faith and trust in Christ is stronger than it has ever been at any time in my life. It is He who sustains me. Repent, refocus, replace. This is the method I will use to keep the focus on Christ and to have Him as number one in my life. I trust Christ to lead me to my future wife. I must pray with confidence and not be meek. I no longer have superficial friends, but real, true friends. My bonds with them are stronger than ever. With their support, I will make it through this dark time. Only through pain and suffering do we grow. Depression focuses solely on the self. Even though I may be going through a rough time, I never forget about my friends or others who are suffering. I pray for my friends everyday and if I notice anyone who's in pain, I do my best to help them. I am even trying to spread the gospel to some of my friends. I pray for them everyday and I find this fulfilling. I feel like I am accomplishing something and contributing to God's kingdom. Who knew that God could turn such  a terrible thing like suicide into something that ultimately benefits me? God has revealed Himself to me throughout my depression and there are no longer severe doubts in my mind. I know He is there. He has a plan for EVERYONE. What I love about Jesus is that He's already won the war. All that's left is to wait for Satan's doom. In this fallen world, there is sadness and despair but It won't be this way forever. God promises to make the world anew. God keeps His promises.
    
      
        
       

Repent, Refocus, Replace

        Yesterday was quite a grim day for me. Depression and hopelessness was pressing n from all sides. I had a big breakdown last night and... everything felt so dark and hopeless. I felt so alone and distant from all my friends. It just occurred to me today the system that my pastor taught me. Repent, refocus, replace. Repent of all your dark, sinful, and idolatrous thoughts. Refocus on the lord Jesus Christ. And lastly, replace all those thoughts with heavenly thoughts. Replace your dark thoughts with the light and strength of the Lord. I believe this is the key to getting past my romantic feelings for my friend and it will definitely weaken my depression. Now of course, finding a job is necessary too but this is the key to true happiness. Happiness I have not felt in such a long time. I must learn to be content with my present situation. The Lord has plans for me and I must trust Him. I have confidence that He will grant me what I so desperately wish for and desire but I must make Him first in my life. It will be a challenge, but it is not impossible. I am making a commitment as of this moment to focus on the Lord. Cutting people out of my life was not necessary. Although it may have helped, I believe this formula will help me to focus. Anything is possible with Jesus. It will be a very difficult road ahead but I will make it.

Lost And Paralyzed

       I'm starting to think it was a mistake cutting off contact with her. I am in constant pain and I break into tears at least three times a day. I thought some time alone to heal would help but..... This is so painful. I feel helpless and unable to do anything to overcome this. How does one mend a broken heart? I wish none of this had happened. But it did. It has paralyzed me and I am lost and directionless. It's so frustrating letting time take it's course. Depression is by far the worst thing I've experienced in this world. I have no appetite and it's so painful to even think. I just want to go into a deep dreamless sleep. All the decisions I made during depression in an attempt to get better seem desperate and futile. I find myself asking this over and over: What do I do? I feel like I've destroyed and lost so much in this dark time. The funny thing is that if I had a chance to do this over, I would never do it. No way. The pain I went through is too much to be replayed. I seriously question if I will ever find happiness or love. Just thinking about it stings my eyes with tears.
       This life is truly filled with sadness and it's unfair. I am dealing with it however I can but I honestly hate this world right now. It is unrelentingly cruel and unforgiving. The more pain there is, the more I fight and the more I fight, the more pain there is. I am truly unhappy and far from content. I resist all the suicidal thoughts that come to my mind. I feel spent. Whoever told me that it gets better seems like a liar. Truth be told, I've come close to resigning to the notion that things won't get better. I don't think there is a relationship waiting for me in the future. And who would want me? I am romantically unlovable and all my attempts in the past have failed miserably. The only way for me to keep my head up is by pretending that none of these problems exist. I will block it out because it is way too painful and it slows me down physically and mentally. Time and prayer is my only defense now

Fear And Questions

      Sometimes it frightens me how quickly my mood changes. I was in a relatively good mood yesterday but now my heart races and it feels as if all the issues I thought were resolved are bombarding me. I feel fear, frustration, deep sorrow, and anger. I want this to pass more than anything. I want to be happy again. It seems like when I almost have the answer, the question changes. It's maddening. I am glad that I've been able to sort out my romantic feelings from my other feelings for her. Such as friendship, a sister, a fellow christian. The thing that frustrates me the most is I have no idea how to rid myself of these romantic feelings. They flare up every time I think I am close to a solution. It seems the harder I fight, the more painful it gets and the lonelier and more cut off I feel.
      I've asked myself questions. Questions that I fear have no answer. Will I have these feelings forever? Will I ever get better? Will I ever see her again? Is something wrong with me? Truthfully, I am ashamed of what I feel. I am angered by it too because it has separated me from people I deeply care about. I feel alienated and stuck. I have nightmares about the future. In every dream, It's always dark and overcast. Two feelings are always consistent: Anger and agony.  When bouts of depression come,  I feel like all I can do is brace for the pain. When the worst is over, I'm left with a hollow, empty feeling. It feels like the whole world darkened and everything happy is gone. I can't remember what I felt like before depression. It's become my routine. It's the only thing that's familiar.
      Support from friends, family, and my readers is one of the things that keeps me going. It is exhausting to push forward, but I must do it. There's no choice but to keep walking forward. Even if I'm unable to see what's ahead of me. I must get out of this dark cave. It feels like all the walls are pressing against me. A broken heart is really discouraging. And by far, it's the most painful part of my depression. It feels like I'm dust in the wind, at the mercy of the currents and whichever way the wind chooses to blow. I no longer let myself love romantically nor do I let myself have hope in that area because it's too painful and I've failed too many times. I bury it deep in my subconscious so it can't hurt me. I can't face it nor fight it because I do not know how. Until I learn and have the strength to face it, I pray. At least 5 times a day, I pray. For now, I do not know what to do nor where to turn.

Setting The Record Straight

     I may need time alone to get my head straight about my feelings for my friend, but I want to make this crystal clear. I do NOT hate or dislike her. In fact, I have no intention of blocking her out forever. She is a super important part of my life and she has been  a positive influence. If it wasn't for her near the beginning of my depression, I would have forsaken everything I ever believed in. She is NOT the cause of my depression. She is merely a symptom and it is my fault. The true cause of my depression is loneliness and ambiguity about my future. She is in no way to blame for anything happening to me and I pray that she doesn't feel that anything is her fault. She has been one of the best friends I ever had and I will always treasure her advice, her compassion, and her company. I am working on sorting out my feelings for her and this is what I've come up with. I love her as a fellow christian, I love her as a friend, and I love her like a sister. I pray for her every day and I love her family as well. They have supported me unconditionally and I see them as part of my own family. I sometimes feel helpless because they have done so much for me that I'm willing to help them with anything but I don't know how. I care for them so much and I wish the best for all of them.
        I've started to pray for all of my friends and family because depression has taught me how to love. Sure, I knew how to love before but I had trouble sympathizing with other people because I couldn't relate to their sorrows. I am ashamed of how I acted earlier in my depression and all my friends were trying to do was to help me. I will not give up on my friendship with the girl I went to front range with. She helped me learn that to give up is a form of cowardice. These feelings I have, they will be tamed. I am praying so hard for them to get under control because truthfully, I don't know how to deal with them. My way of dealing with strong feelings is to either block it out, or cut off contact with the person. I am still on the fence whether I made the right decision or not. I know she cares about me and loves me as a friend. When she told me this, I broke into tears and I honestly didn't know how to respond. My mind has been marred with so many irrational thoughts such as that she stopped caring or that nobody else really cares. When she told me those words, it made me all the more determined to get better. Just knowing she cares about me is a comfort and I will not forsake our friendship. I have to get better. I feel like I owe her. Not just her, but her family and everyone who has supported me. This isn't just about me. That's why suicide is ultimately so selfish. I feel like the only thing of value that I can offer to everyone who has supported me is my unconditional support for whenever they go through troubles. I feel that another reason God is allowing this to happen to me is so I can gain perspective on suffering and to give me a servant's heart. I just have this inexplicable desire to help people and this is a feeling I never had before my depression.
       In conclusion, I will not stop fighting and if her or any of her family is reading this, I want to say thank you and you all will be in my heart always. Words typed on this page cannot express the love and gratitude I feel for all of you. She will not be out of my life forever. That's a promise. It wasn't fair to me and it wasn't fair for her for me to continue having these feelings. I mean, I don't know what else to say. Once these feelings are resolved, I do know this: I will never stop caring for her and everyone else who has supported me.

Seting The Record Straight

       I may need time alone to get my head straight about my feelings for my friend, but I want to make this crystal clear. I do NOT hate or dislike her. In fact, I have no intention of blocking her out forever. Not by a long shot. As soon as I can eliminate these romantic feelings, I intend to mend a lot of broken bridges. I must eliminate these feelings because I am convinced they serve no purpose other then to hurt and hinder me. She is a super important part of my life and she has been  a positive influence. If it wasn't for her near the beginning of my depression, I would have forsaken everything I ever believed in. She is NOT the cause of my depression. She is merely a symptom and it is my fault. The true cause of my depression is loneliness and ambiguity about my future. She is in no way to blame for anything happening to me and I pray that she doesn't feel that anything is her fault. She has been one of the best friends I ever had and I will always treasure her advice, her compassion, and her company. I am working on sorting out my feelings for her and this is what I've come up with. I love her as a fellow christian, I love her as a friend, and I love her like a sister. I pray for her every day and I love her family as well. They have supported me unconditionally and I see them as part of my own family. I sometimes feel helpless because they have done so much for me that I'm willing to help them with anything but I don't know how. I care for them so much and I wish the best for all of them.
        I've started to pray for all of my friends and family because depression has taught me how to love. Sure, I knew how to love before but I had trouble sympathizing with other people because I couldn't relate to their sorrows. I am ashamed of how I acted earlier in my depression and all my friends were trying to do was to help me. I will not give up on my friendship with the girl I went to front range with. She helped me learn that to give up is a form of cowardice. These feelings I have, they will be tamed. I am praying so hard for them to get under control because truthfully, I don't know how to deal with them. My way of dealing with strong feelings is to either block it out, or cut off contact with the person. I am still on the fence whether I made the right decision or not. I know she cares about me and loves me as a friend. When she told me this, I broke into tears and I honestly didn't know how to respond. My mind has been marred with so many irrational thoughts such as that she stopped caring or that nobody else really cares. When she told me those words, it made me all the more determined to get better. Just knowing she cares about me is a comfort and I will not forsake our friendship. I have to get better. I feel like I owe her. Not just her, but her family and everyone who has supported me. This isn't just about me. That's why suicide is ultimately so selfish. I feel like the only thing of value that I can offer to everyone who has supported me is my unconditional support for whenever they go through troubles. I feel that another reason God is allowing this to happen to me is so I can gain perspective on suffering and to give me a servant's heart. I just have this inexplicable desire to help people and this is a feeling I never had before my depression. When will I be able to get past these feelings I have for her? I don't know. I must be having them for a reason. I do not believe in coincidence. All I know right now is that I ache and long to be past this. I want our friendship to be the way it was before my depression. I must work on other areas of my life too. I believe God may be using my depression to teach me and emotionally prepare me for a relationship. That is why I must overcome these feelings. I'm sure most of you know that it is highly inadvisable to carry baggage into a relationship.
       In conclusion, I will not stop fighting and if her or any of her family is reading this, I want to say thank you and you all will be in my heart always. Words typed on this page cannot express the love and gratitude I feel for all of you. She will not be out of my life forever. That's a promise. It wasn't fair to me and it wasn't fair for her for me to continue having these feelings. I mean, I don't know what else to say. Once these feelings are resolved, I do know this: I will never stop caring for her and everyone else who has supported me.

The Reason Fo rSuffering And Psych Therapy

    I used to always think that I would never need a 'shrink', as society puts it so stereotypically. I thought Therapists were for people who were crazy and needy. I was too quick to judge. My thinking couldn't have been more wrong. Life will always throw you curve-balls and you're bound to fall down sometime. It is true that life is 90% of how you react to situations. But the flaw in this saying is that it is suggesting that you should always be happy. That is not the reality of the world. No one can be happy ALL the time. Yes, we should do our very best to keep our heads up but in this life, it is often necessary that you go through sorrow and pain because it is the only way you can grow and learn. Why is there sorrow and pain in life? How can a loving God put us through this? These questions have been asked since the dawn of mankind. The answer to me is quite simple and I accept it. We live in a fallen and depraved world. It has been tainted and marred by sin. God hates to see us go through pain but He knows it is necessary if we are to survive in this world. He has the power to stop all the suffering but.... we are sinful and it is part of our punishment. He offers us a way out through His son Jesus Christ and that is how much he loves us. No sin can exist in the presence of God. Now a lot of people will say 'hey, I'm not that bad. I'm better than that guy over there'. Well let me ask you this: have you ever lied? Have you ever looked at a woman or man and had lustful thoughts? Have you ever stolen anything, even if it was something little? My guess is you said yes to most of these. Then by definition, you are a lying thief and an adulterer at heart. Now yes, this may seem very accusatory but don't you think it's wrong? A lot of people reject Christ because they think that once they accept him, that there will be too many rules to follow. This is not true. Accepting Christ gives you freedom from the condemnation of the law (ten commandments) and He will testify on your behalf. Will you still sin? yes of course but the amazing thing is that Jesus will forgive you every single time. That is grace. You cannot get into heaven by your own deeds. It is given freely as a gift by Jesus Christ and this keeps any man from boasting of his own works because they ultimately count for nothing.
         There will be pain in this life and everyone is looking out to be number one. They reject Christ because they want to be their own God. Rejection of God is the source of all suffering. I learned this the hard way.   There's a saying that the only thing we really have control over is our own lives and what we do with it. Trying to control everything in my life has led me to despair and I almost gave up on life multiple times. If you go down the path of trying to control your life and not letting anyone in then that is a sure way to self destruction. There are some hurts so deep that you need help to truly heal. I grew tired of trying to control my life so I finally let Jesus take control of my life because he knows what's best for me. And truly, it is a load off of my mind because when you control your life, you carry the burden of worry and anxiety. You can't control things that happen to you. God will lead you and direct your path.
      Now you may be astounded to hear this, but I think it was a good thing that I became suicidal. Sometimes, a person is only willing to change once they have gone through an enormous amount of pain. When I was at that point, with a knife pressing against my chest and tears streaming down my face, I declared to God that I'm done trying to control my life because truly, I can't control it. That's when I realized that God should be in control because I can't do better. I failed. Therapy definitely helps you see things from a different perspective but I came to that conclusion on my own. It did take lots of therapy to course-correct my train of thought that was always on suicide. I've said before that everyone could use a therapist because everyone's at least a little crazy. I still stand by what I said. I believe that nobody gets by in life without some emotional scars. I used to have a very negative and callous attitude about the mind and psychology. I thought that anyone who complained about emotional pain were babies. God has truly humbled me and I honestly will do anything I can to help alleviate other people's emotional pain. It's amazing how the world itself remains the same while your mind can put you through hell. You don't truly know what people go through until you go through a similar experience yourself. 
      
        

Ruminations

     I am  a man of little patience. That is one of my weaknesses. I've also been told that one of my strengths is that I have a big heart. This seems to be my downfall because I feel nothing but pain and hurt. I have started to think earlier today that maybe God is letting me go through this because it's His way of preparing me for a relationship in the near future. It's something that I hadn't dared to even consider but it seems to make sense. I hate to admit it but I'm not prepared for a relationship in my current state. If I got into one now and it didn't work out, I know it would destroy me. It's super frustrating because I want one NOW. There was a time when I would've dove into a relationship just to stop being alone but that's not what I want. I want a relationship with someone I love. I don't want a relationship just for security. This is definitely the darkest time of my life but I'm still here. I'm still alive. There is going to be a lot more pain ahead but I have to put my head down and plow through it. I remember times when I was suicidal and I thought that this was impossible to overcome. I lost all hope of getting better. And the biggest thing that broke my heart is I felt nobody could truly love me in a romantic way. That was the constant tone of things every time I became suicidal. Suicide is a path I never wish to go down again. That path leads to hopelessness, despair, and feelings so painful that I cannot truly describe them. I still remember how painful it was and always choke back tears when I look back. It's been imprinted on my mind and I will never forget it. But that is in the past. The more time that passes, the more the pain will be numbed.
          It's funny. Two years ago, I would've refused to make this blog because I feared how people would react. I no longer care what other people think. I have to do what's best for me now. For most of my life, I subconsciously never really cared for my well being because I was always thinking about others. (Like what they're doing right now, who is available to hang out, etc). I internalize all my feelings and emotions as a way to protect myself from feeling pain and to avoid embarrassment. I realize now that this is what made me sick and depressed. I'm training myself to get out of that habit. Holding in everything will cause the dam to explode and then, you're in for a LOT of pain. Feelings are nothing to be ashamed of. It doesn't matter if you're a guy or girl. Everyone has feelings. It's what makes us human. Without emotions or feelings, we'd be a lot like machines or zombies. That's what I was like for most of my life. I was an expert at hiding my feelings. No one knew what I was thinking or feeling. Even when I'm angry, I don't show it but those of you who know me really well, you know when I get angry. I purse my lips and I don't say a word. Not a single word. I am now learning how to let out my emotions in a healthy way and I know how to filter them. I am changing every day. I am amazed by the power depression has to change people. I promise you, it does change people. Either in a good way or a bad way. I know I am being changed in a good way. I have a hunger to help people in pain. When I help people, I can sympathize with them and sometimes it moves me to tears. Just this past week, I was moved to tears while praying for a few of my friends. Helping people helps alleviate my own pain. Life is a waste if you just keep to yourself all the time. I reject the idea of living life to it's fullest. It's extremely selfish and it's a way of saying that you're going to get all the pleasure this world has to offer. I can tell you from experience that the pleasures of this life are temporary and fleeting. Focus your energy on things eternal. By helping others and spreading the gospel, you gain treasures in heaven. Remember, your life is not your own. God created you and it is His to take when the time comes. 
       

Paralyzed By Sorrow And Regrets

    I can't help but wonder if depression could've been avoided if I never had feelings for her. But then again, How does one control their feelings? It's like they have a mind of their own. It's like an untamed beast. The only conclusion I can come to is that depression could've been avoided if I had never met her. But, I am glad I met her. I am glad we got close. It's tearing me apart inside how my feelings got in the way and nearly destroyed everything we once had. I say this again: I have never had such strong feelings for a girl in my whole life. I am very angry at myself. It feels like a part of me died and that I'm not whole. I feel like half a person. I hold in my feelings so I don't cry because I know that if I cry, I won't stop. This isn't the correct solution. The dam will break.
      I miss her so much. My heart aches for her and yet I know that I cannot let her back into my life until I get my feelings under control. As well as my rage and jealousy. It burns me up that she chose someone else over me. I feel ugly, undesirable, and rejected. I do not know yet if she knows that I'm keeping my distance from her. If she asks me what's going on, then I'm telling her the whole truth. It's making me sick holding all of this in and it's what my therapist would want me to do. I may feel excruciating pain but I know that God sustains me. I won't give up. I will make things right. That is a promise.

Will It End?

      This is harder than I thought it would be. Now that I seem to have gotten over the shock of shutting her out, I'm in constant pain. My heart is always racing and it feels like there's a huge knot in my chest. I hate what's happening. I hate what led me to this decision. I get extreme rage over what happened and why I decided to do it. This is officially another root of my depression. I feel like a light went out in my life. It seems so much darker and lonelier. Deep down, I know this is something that I must face alone. I'm scared and exhausted. I don't know if I have the will to confront this. My mind is literally rejecting the hurt and pain caused by this and I think I may be forced to block it out to protect myself. This hole in my heart now is like a vacuum. It's sucking out all the happiness and good feelings I have and it's being replaced with hurt, rage, and despair. I want the pain to stop. Sometimes, I wish that I never met her. Was this worth it? Was it worth all the pain and heartbreak? I have shed countless tears over this. Why am I so attached to her? I don't want to be! Everything I feel for her causes me excruciating pain every day and it holds me back from moving forward and meeting potential new girlfriends. This will become a huge emotional scar. I am sure of that. I see it as evidence of my failure and lack of intimacy. It makes me feel so inferior to everyone else. It's like I'm stuck in a dark pit and I can't get out. I want freedom. Freedom from this pain, heartache, rage, and jealousy. It feels like life is mocking me and spitting in my face. This makes me want to withdraw from the world. I want love. I want someone of my own. I want this to stop

Heartbreak And Agony

       I pray at least three times a day for my heartbreak and pain to be numbed. It broke my heart to cut off my best friend from my life but it was necessary because I emotionally invested way too much in her and that has led to multiple suicide attempts in the past year. Now, that wasn't the only contributing factor but it was definitely a big part. I hate what happened to us. I hate being away from her. I really do love her. More so than any other woman I have loved. These feelings must be purged because they endanger, distract and cause severe pain for me. I can't have her so I must not dwell on it and I must move on. I pray that God fills the huge hole in my heart. It has made me feel hollow for so long.
       Sleep has been extremely elusive for me this past week. My heart constantly races and when I close my eyes, I see her. It drives me to tears every time. I hear her laughs echoing in my hears and her smile is burned into my mind. I'm in shock and disbelief. How did it come to this? I have been extremely angry at myself for being unable to control my emotions and feelings. They destroyed me. I used to put on a mask in front of others and pretend everything was okay. I was a master at it for as long as I can remember. I believe age seven is when I started stuffing my feelings. I will not go into the reason but if you're a friend of mine, you may ask. I cry nearly every night and scream for God to give me relief. He answers my prayer in unexpected ways. My tears cease and I feel completely drained and exhausted. That is when sleep finally comes to me. In the morning, I feel ready to bear the challenges of a new day. I have noticed that when one part of my depression seems to be resolved, either something happens or a new issue comes into play and then I'm back in the dark gloom of depression. After all this, I still refuse to give up. I trust Jesus and I have been praying for Him to teach me how to make Him my number one priority. I finally see how it is He who has comforted me, it is because of Him that I live to this day, and it is Him who can soothe my pain and heartbreak. A wife can only do that to a degree. I must learn to make Jesus my first priority and then everything else will come in time.

Changing And Looking Forward To A Better Tomorrow

       This weekend has been extremely rough and it's pushed me to the limit. The pain of casting someone important to you out of your life is great. I have been in agony over this decision but I know it's for the best. I have to move on. I can't stay and wonder what could have been. I came to a realization last night. One of my friends has helped me realize that I've been putting a want for a relationship before God. This is a form of idolatry. I will say that this will be extremely hard to overcome because it's one of my ultimate desires to have a meaningful relationship with a girl and eventually get a wife. I'm so scared of being alone. I must learn how to find happiness without having to depend on people. This eludes me as well and I believe that God is the only one who can teach me these things. I am forcing myself to put God first in my life and giving it all over to Him. Each time I complete this prayer, I start shaking and then I cry. It's so unbelievably hard. So many doubts gnaw at me but these doubts are of the flesh and must be suppressed. I am determined to make God first in my life. I can't really accomplish anything until this is done. The girl I love is a huge distraction and dangerous for me so I cast her aside so I can focus on God in my solitude. This will be an extremely challenging few weeks, seeing as I'm still in shock from blocking her out. I will overcome it though. I have to. I have so much to learn.

The Ultimate Decision

        Sometimes, You have to shut people out of your life in order to truly heal. This is something I had to do yesterday and it was the hardest decision I've ever made. I've never had to resort to this before. It's especially painful because she was my best friend for a couple of years and a big part of my life. I also have feelings for her and that's why I cut her out of my life because it's getting way too dangerous for me. This is the same girl I went to front range with last year. I spent much of last night crying because this is truly the hardest decision. Believe me, I have tried everything. I thought having some distance from her for nearly a year would help dilute my feelings for her but.... When valentines of this year came around, they came back with a vengeance. When I found out she was in a relationship, I immediately burst into tears and my train of thought led to this in less than 10 seconds: 'I want to die'. I knew then that something had to be done but I refused to do it because I loved her way too much.
      Something I'm just realizing is that I do really love her. Last year, after it was revealed that a relationship with her wasn't possible, I immediately blocked out my feelings for her so I wouldn't have to face the pain. This is what I told myself over and over: 'You do NOT love her. It's not possible for her to love you.' This realization sent me into shock. Now, most of you know what it's like to have a broken heart but this is especially excruciating for me because I emotionally invested EVERYTHING in her. I saw her as my one shot at true love and happiness, my only chance for a romantic relationship. I was even foolish enough hope that she would be my future wife. I was convinced that she was 'the one'.
       Yesterday, I noticed I was texting her more and more and I realized that my feelings for her began to grow once more. I refused to go through that pain all over again so I asked myself some serious questions:
1. Do you love her? I would die for her. (This was a warning bell for me)
2. Can you push your feelings aside and still hang out with her? No
3. Would it be in your best interest to cut her out of your life for your own safety? Yes. ( After this, I burst into tears.)
 I really do feel like I'm going through withdrawal. I treat this loss like a death. I feel as if part of myself died when I made this decision. I feel like I am without direction, wandering aimlessly in a storm. I hate having to make this decision. I hate what happened between us. We have so much history together and now it seems like a waste. I bear no hatred nor dislike for her. All I feel is love, longing, extreme pain and heartache. I love her as a person and as my sister in Christ and I truly pray for her. It's very hard to know what to say in my prayer because..... It hurts. Badly. I truly hope we can get to the point where we used to be. Laughing together and having fun. She was a very positive influence on my life but my damn feelings made this influence toxic for me. I can no longer distinguish between my friendship with her and my love for her. I have a constant need to be near her and this separation is what hurts very very much. I feel like one of the best friendships I ever had has been destroyed and it's all because of me. I only hope that she'll understand and not hate me for it. Perhaps, in the future, we can start over. That is what I pray for super hard. If I hadn't made this decision, then I would be endangering myself, and possibly my life. All I desire now is comfort and relief. Relief from the pain and comfort from friends. This is a very dark time in my life. 

God Has A Plan

      I was listening to a sermon earlier today and it made me tear up. The pastor said that God wouldn't let you suffer needlessly. He wouldn't put you through depression and sorrow without there being some kind of benefit for you. It hurts God more than it hurts you to go through this pain. I just totally burst into tears when I heard this because there have been so many times when I couldn't imagine a single benefit to my suffering. But the thing is, our God is sovereign. He isn't limited by our imaginations. For now, I am still very hazy and unsure of what possible great benefits could come out of this but I have to trust God. The pain is so great at times that it literally makes me shake but God won't give you anything that will crush you. There may be many issues in my depression that are extremely difficult to deal with but they have been appointed to me for a reason. I may not ever know what that reason is in this life. Maybe He'll reveal it to me when I get to heaven. Even my anger, jealousy, and resentment has a purpose. Of this I am quite convinced. Every day, resentment comes back to haunt me and sometimes, I'll be seething with rage because of that resentment. When I'm driving, I get so angry that I clench the wheel real tight, I purse my lips and I start breathing heavily. This rage turns into tears and in turn, that becomes fuel for my depression. Every time resentment rears it's head, it's my duty to beat it back down and force myself to forgive the offender/s. Now as I've said before, a few people close to me know what this resentment is. If you know me reasonably well, then don't hesitate to ask me.
     Giving up is not a choice as far as I'm concerned. This is not out of stubbornness that I am saying this, but out of determination and confidence that God won't abandon me. I do not know how much longer my depression will last. It could be a month, a year, or even 10 years. The longer I stay in depression, the more I understand and the stronger I become. There will be rough days ahead, but I have support and people who love me, so for their sake and for mine, I will endure.

Suicide

     What is suicide? Suicide is where hope goes to die. It is the absence of love. It's a place where darkness and loneliness rule. Suicide is like a cancer. It starts as a single, passing thought and before you know it, it dictates how you think, feel, and what you do. Suicide is much like hell except the difference is that God is present in your suffering. He is there to comfort you when all else seems lost. This link touched my heart and is a perfect reflection of what I have been going through: 

                                    http://members.tripod.com/mi_ruka0/id18.html

       I was shocked at how common these feelings are. Yes, the circumstances may be unique to each individual but the feelings and emotions are the same. My heart goes out to this girl. Suicide is the most painful I have ever went through. I cringe to stare at those memories straight in the face. I hide these memories beneath layers and layers of my mind. It is buried in my subconscious but it is there. It is burned into my mind and I shall never forget is as long as I live. The pain was.....  excruciatingly unbearable. I was able to conceive of my life coming to an end. I imagined my life as a long walk down a corridor and there was a door at the end. The worse I got, the closer to this door I came. I was practically sprinting there. It's as if I had slowly cracked the door open and peeked through the other side. What I saw frightened me to death. I saw darkness, uncertainty, loneliness, and pain. All I had to do to pass through was swing the door all the way open and take a step. A voice in my head that was not my own stopped me. It said, 'stop. Wait.' At this point, I knew that if I went through this figurative door, it would effectively end my life and there would be no turning back. I shut the door and walked away. Thus ended my first flirtation with death. I believe that voice to be Jesus. Ever since I heard that voice, whenever I came close to suicide, I heeded those two words. Stop. Wait. Such simple words and yet they have an air of authority.
        Sometimes I wonder if I am getting better or if I am just used to the pain. There are many fears and hurts that I refuse to face head on because I know it would overwhelm me and drag me back down to despair. I imagine my mind like a glass ball and each thing depression throws at it cracks it. How much longer until it shatters? This thought is reflected in the link above. The difference is that I do not need to mourn like those who have no hope. I have Jesus and His grace is sufficient for me. There have been times when I have been short on faith and that I felt like He wasn't doing anything but each time the pain has passed, it's as if Jesus repairs my mind of glass. It has shattered many times but He has repaired it each time. It's funny because I'm only just realizing that as I write this. There are still many pains and sorrows I have yet to face but I am comforted by knowing that Jesus will never leave me nor forsake me. Depression is something that can make or break your faith. My faith has definitely been put to the test. God has used my depression as way to test and refine my faith through the fires and pressures of depression. I have been to the brink. I almost jumped off the edge but Jesus pulled me back. I can say with confidence that these trials have solidified my faith in Christ and I know His words to be true. I have overcome suicide time after time. At first I thought it was just weakening me for the death blow but I now realize that it has made me stronger. I now have the courage to fight and resist and this is a battle I am determined to win.

Staying The Course

     I'm at a point in my depression where I can tell when it starts to act up. My heart starts to race, I break out in cold sweats, and then my mood starts to rapidly drop. This is a warning that I need to get busy fast. Unfortunately, For the past few days, old issues I thought were resolved have come back to haunt me. Old resentment boils back up and then my anger builds and builds until it becomes rage. This is not good at all because this is acting as fuel for the fire. I've had restless nights where I wake up in tears and cold sweats from nightmares. The good thing is that I know what to do now but it's going to take a lot of willpower and strength. Paraphrasing what C. S. Lewis said, 'when resentment rears it's ugly head, we must do everything we can to beat it back down.' I have beat these issues once and I can do it again. I will not give in. This very moment as I'm writing this, I'm working on resolving these issues. It will only make me stronger. It's high time that I get all these emotions and anger that I've held in for most of my life out of my system. I can do anything through Christ.This is a battle I will win. I do not post what my resentment issues are onto this blog because they are way too personal to share with everyone. If you know me well, then you may ask me. I am a pretty open person now thanks to my depression but I know the importance of filtering what I share. I thank you all for your love, prayers and support.

Reasons To Live

       Depression is a frightening thing. It blinds and deafens you to all reason and forces you to feel your way out of the darkness. In depression, there is no light. It is a battle you must fight and there are no rest periods. If you stop trying, it can be deadly. Negative feelings will bombard you constantly and if you don't resist them, you will get worse. I can promise you that. Once suicidal thoughts creep in, it is EXTREMELY difficult to push them back out. I've had suicide attempts and suicidal thoughts for nearly a year. (Although, the suicidal thoughts were much more frequent than the attempts). Each attempt eroded my will and strength to resist. Each time I survived and made it through, my thought was, 'I made it through this time, but next time is no guarantee. My will is completely sapped.' Depression has permanently dimmed my view of the world; which isn't necessarily a bad thing. For the longest time, I saw life as cruel, unforgiving, and tainted with sin and evil. I hated life, and I saw love as a curse because my heart was getting broken repeatedly. I still have a broken heart but I'm fighting and I'm able to cope with the pain for now.
        I still see this world as all those things I mentioned but today, I'm starting to challenge my past views. There are compelling reasons to stay alive. Even though I still have trouble seeing it, I force myself to believe that I will be happy again. I have friends and family who care about me and I care and love them as well. I will not put them through the pain of dealing with my death. My friends have started to make me smile again. God is not done with me so I must remain in this world. I must abide by His will and trust that He knows best. I still have trouble trusting Him but I do believe that He will give me a wife in due time. This depression has made me less attached to this world in a good way. I honestly don't crave belongings and I am no longer as attached to possessions as I once was. Jesus has used my depression to remind me that I may be in the world for now, but I am not apart of it. For the world is currently the Devil's kingdom. Our time on this earth is such a short time when compared to eternity. I may still see this world filled with suffering and pain but while I am here, I will do my best to help alleviate other people's suffering. I believe that is what Jesus wants me to do. How I will do it, I do not yet know. It will be revealed to me in time.
        Suicide is scary and it's sad whenever someone succeeds. I have heard many people say that people who are suicidal are cowards and that they're weak. This is the most insensitive and untrue statement I have ever heard. Most people who make these kind of statements have no idea what they're talking about because they themselves are NOT suicide survivors. People who survive suicide are a lot stronger than they know. Am I a coward? Am I weak? No! Yes, we all slip up at times but I have made it a point to NEVER judge people. Who are you to judge? You're as sinful and wretched as the next person. Leave judgement to God Almighty, for He is the only one with the right to judge. The world would be such a different place if we never judged anyone and just accepted them for who they are. If you are reading this, and are suicidal or clinically depressed and want to talk, feel free to contact me. Seriously, I know what you're going through and I will make no judgements whatsoever. I am here to help. Even if we don't know each other I would be happy to talk with you. Depression is super painful but it's something that you should never go through alone.