Searching For Hope

       Depression has shaken met o the core. Is trusting God supposed to be this hard? This has been the most trying time for my faith in my entire life. This week I have been so close to completely losing my faith. Everything I have tried to find myself a mate has failed or backfired on me. I struggle with anger towards God because I felt that He has stopped me and that he wants me to be alone. I honestly don't think I can handle that. I'm actually fearful of God's plan for me because what if it doesn't include a wife? I have never felt more alone or more of a pathetic failure than I do now. I am trying to keep an open mind but it's hard. I constantly wrestle with anger. Anger at God and anger at myself. I know I shouldn't be angry with God. I am trying my best to see this rationally and clearly. I am always in severe emotional pain. I've actually resisted praying because I'm so angry and upset. I hate being alone. I feel like I could scream. I know I'm not ready for a relationship but I should be and that's why I'm angry at myself. I'm too frail and emotionally fragile.
      I feel that I want to cast my burdens to God because it feels unbearable. But I'm having some big trust issues. I have to go against every bone in my body and trust Him. Is this normal? Does trusting God come so easily to others? It feels like my faith is being put through fire and being stripped down to it's very core. I don't even know how to be patient. I honestly don't see a happy future for myself. I can't see it. What I so desperately desire has been denied to me at every turn. It's as if hope has been snuffed out. What is God's purpose for me? What if I don't like it?  I want to be content with what I have but when I think about what I really want out of life, I start boiling over with anger and severe despair. It's like I'm hanging on a cliff and there's no more handholds. Do I just wait here or do I let go? Clearly, I can't let go. I keep remembering how the bible says to rejoice in your pain. This is interesting because one's instinct is to whine and gripe about their circumstances. I can be comforted by knowing that God hasn't forgot about me because I'm in so much pain. When troubles befall you, that's when Gods work can be seen through you