The event surrounding my resentment and various parts from my depression replay in my head daily. I have extreme anger and sadness that I am unable to tame. I hate reliving all of this and I feel helpless. It wakes me up even when I try to escape by sleeping. My heart races and my breathing gets heavier. My anger grows daily and it feels as if it could burst from my chest. Resentment isn't the only source of my anger. I'm angry at myself for being this way, angry at how I've handled situations in the past, and I'm angry how things are now. I know I can't change it but I can't help but think that some of it is my fault. Mankind does bring depression upon itself and I am no exception.
Patience. One of my weaknesses. Sometimes I worry that if and when the dust settles from my depression, what will be left of me? I feel that my personality, my character, is being attacked on all sides from despair, resentment, and anger. In this life, adversity is a guarantee. We choose whether we learn and grow stronger or fail and diminish from these trials. Maybe I'm not viewing this right. Maybe parts of my character have to be destroyed or modified so Jesus can mold me into a more godly person. I will submit to this, no matter how painful it may be. It will be even more painful if I struggle and fight against His will. He has made plans to prosper me and not to harm me. I have to trust that even amidst all this pain and fog of uncertainty. My desire for a woman I can call my own has not diminished but I will not fight against God on this. I'm just going to stop seeking. Maybe she's closer than I think. She could be my best friend for all I know. This doesn't stop the hurt when I see couples. It reminds me of how lonely I am. I constantly fight negative thoughts daily. If I listen to them, they'll tell me to either go my own way or to give up. They branch off onto so many different tangents that I can't keep track of all them. Sometimes they blur into one big overwhelming negative thought process. That leads to a very dangerous road if I let my guard down even for a few seconds.
For now, I feel like I've lost parts of my life that were important to me. Some of them are people, broken relationships, parts of my personality. Depression has returned in full force. Confidence has left my voice. It's just a bunch of hollow, guttural sequence of sounds and words. It hurts to think and my motor skills have slowed. I am too exhausted to fight for now so I will go on the defensive. I will block out what I can and immerse myself in scripture. Strength and hope stems from there.
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