This past year and a half have been hell. I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty pissed off at God right now. I know I shouldn't be but that's how I feel. I seriously don't know a time where I've felt this hopeless and miserable. The pain is so bad that I feel paralyzed. I'm speechless and I have absolutely no interest in doing anything whatsoever. I don't care about eating, drinking, taking walks, or hobbies I used to be interested in. I'm so angry at God because He wants me to wait. I just really need to vent right now. I don't want to wait. I should've had a girlfriend two years ago. I'll be damned if I have to wait ten or fifteen years just to find, 'the right person.' I would rather die than be single. I've wanted this since I was twelve. I am well aware that a girl won't cure everything but I refuse to sit by and watch my friends get their own partners with a snap of their fingers. But, it's not like I have a choice so I'm giving in. I no longer believe there is anyone for me. It's time to accept that I came into this world alone and that's how it's going to be. I'm not going to bother to hope and say in my mind, 'Is she the one?' because it's not possible. That's false hope that will only end up hurting me. I can't be loved. I want, I need that intimacy. How the hell am I going to find the right person if I don't have a single iota of experience??? Depression has attacked my deepest and most desperate desires of my heart. I see nothing but darkness ahead. Every attempt I have made to find someone has ended up in colossal failure.
I'll be honest, my faith is hanging by a thread. The pain is so bad that when I get up to walk, sometimes I'll just collapse to the floor on my hands and knees and start sobbing. I can't even pray because I'm so angry with God. I hurt so so bad and I don't know how much more I can take. I no longer believe that there's such a thing as 'living the good life'. That's a lie. I don't know what else to say. I'm lost. I guess all I can do is force myself to go on a walk just to help numb the pain
I wrote the above post in the afternoon and I was in tears while writing it. My mind was so foggy and so much in pain that everything seemed hopeless. I am still severely depressed but I believe I know what to do now. I won't lie, my hope has been dampened. I had a long talk with my mom because she heard me crying while my door was shut and she was all the way downstairs. I have a problem. And this is a problem that only God can solve because I am no longer in control of my feelings and emotions. I have a terrible habit of thinking with every girl I meet, 'Could she be the one?' I am setting myself up for heartbreak and constant pain so I am going to focus on myself for once. I've always been looking for a mate ever since I was twelve. This is super super hard for me to say but I need to stop. I am making myself sick by concentrating on this. My mind is so sick that I believe if I stop looking, that I'll be pathetic and everyone will look at me with a poor, pitiful look. I just want to be healthy and okay again. This is such a huge burden. I have no choice but to trust God and give it to him. That doesn't mean that I'm not scared. I am scared to death. I feel like I'm forfeiting my chances of ever being happy again. I just have to pray that I can get through this. I was extremely angry with God because I felt that he was denying me the desires of my heart. I can be extremely impatient and stubborn. I had no right to be angry with Him. He had to of withheld it for good reason. I thought I was prepared for a relationship but it is shockingly clear that I am not ready. If God had allowed me to get into a relationship and it didn't work out, I would have ended my life. He most likely just saved my life. I still hurt so bad. I am just concentrating on getting my head together and getting back on my feet financially. I need all the prayers I can get.
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